A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 16 and the guy im talking to is 17. he seems really nice and we had a class together when i was a freshman. im a junior now. well he moved last year but is returning to my school this year. ive heard bad things about him tho. he dated a girl in my grade and apparently he was extremely abusive. i remember him fighting another guy at a school football game over her but i didnt think much of it. that stuff happens all the time i suppose. but she went and told people that he locked her in a closet and beat her all the time... one of my best friends confirmed this... but this girl always went back to him ! they just broke up "for good" about a month ago. i find it hard to believe he was thaaaat horrible if she kept going back... am i wrong to think that? like she really told some horror stories... i never witnessed any abuse between them in school.. Does this mean he will abuse me if we start dating? i know he has had a past with drugs but he claims to be clean now. do you think he has rlly changed? and will he still be abusive if he was before? thank you !!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2010):
 I knew someone who didn't listen to stories of abuse about a guy she was interested in. They started dating, and she broke it off 6 months later because, GUESS WHAT? She was abused, physically and mentally. After she broke it off, he was enraged, went to her house, and shot her twice in the chest. She lives with one lung and 2 holes in her chest now.
I understand that The Realist was wrongfully accused, but in this case, abuse stories should be heeded, especially if the guy himself admitted to a past with drugs. The fact that he got into a school fight over her doesn't help paint an image of someone who controls his temper. It makes for a romantic melodrama, but not good for real life.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 Im sorry I misread a part, I thought you write that HE had told stories about how he beat her up, not that this was stories from the ex. I agree with The Realist in this case.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 September 2010):
A feature of abusive relationships is that they last even though one partner is being abused. And the abused often end up going back, simply because they are being controlled in such a way, and loose their strength. It is brainwashing. And it is not easy to leave an abuser. They have their own methods to make sure you stay. They are highly manipulative.
I don't think you should date this man. Trust the stories you have heard, and the fight you have seen with your own eyes. I don't believe in listening to rumors, but this is not even a rumor. He has openly said so himself, and even dared to brag about it.
Abusers are often very charming in public and towards people they have just met. Very charming. Do not be fooled.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 First of all you can't run from everything in your life so don't be too quick to listen to that. Now if you can get someone you can trust to confirm that he is abusive then i wouldn't go out with him.
Now i have a story of an ex of mine who claimed to everyone that I was abusive in our relationship. I have never been abusive to anyone but people spread stupid stuff at the time of the break up. I'm saying this because I would hate to see everyone turn this guy down because of some stupid ex. I'm not saying that he isn't abusive so procede with caution but everyone deserves a chance at a new start. I pity the person who doesn't think people do because they will need to be forgiven some time and it will not come.
Openly ask him if what his ex said is true and then look for any signs of abuse when you are with him, but you have to promise yourself that if anything seems off you know you have to leave. If you can't do that then I would not date him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 September 2010):
Listen really closely:
You have NO IDEA how many girls get caught up in abusive relationships and end up GOING BACK to the guy until they either end up dead, completely broken, and a miserable shell of the girl they once were.
Most abusers have a different persona they display in public vs their abusive private life. Just because YOU haven't seen him abuse someone doesn't mean it didn't happen.
He has a past with drugs and a verified (by your best friend) story of abuse? RUN LIKE BLOODY HELL! Why are you even beginning to entertain dating this guy?! There are a zillion NON-violent guys out there for you to be stepping into hell with this one.
You are playing with fire by talking to this guy, and you don't realize how much impact on your life his abuse will be on you - it could emotionally derail you for life, crushing and violating your dreams and ambitions. You do NOT need him or his baggage. You can't change him, you can't fix him, you can't bargain or reason with him.
The girl he was with before who just broke up with him paid a HORRIBLE and awful price in order for you to have the info you do on him. Most women don't get that kind of heads up on an abusive guy. Their first indication is a fist to the face.
Get out while you can, and do it now!
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