A
male
age
36-40,
*ausalito
writes:I think the main reason was my wavering mind about my career, and the pace at which I was going in trying to figure things out - more slowly than her. She's a real go getter, and she really wanted me to match her pace, which I wanted to as well, but I just wasn't making as much of an effort to get there. This caused tension between us. (quick timeline: we started going out in April 2010, was rocky because of certain cultural differences but then we fell into each other. Her concern about my pacing started around Feb and March of 2011, and by May I couldn't take it and broke it off. But we still kept in touch and went out on dates, though weren't intimate. During this time I could see the distress in her face, and she would be upset that this unresolved thing was still between us. She said she was in love with me, that she respected me a lot, that I was one of the most emotionally intelligent people she has met.She then said she was in love with me but wishes I would figure things out since it would make it easier for her. It seemed in August she had enough, and then September said she wanted to explore elsewhere). Since then I pulled out all the stops, told her I was more motivated to do what I needed to than anything else, and said I didn't think we were that far apart. I also talked to her about a week after she told me, and told her all the mistakes I think I had made, that I get it, including not making it official between us earlier, not kissing her at a certain bar where we both knew it was the right time. And that she doesn't bother me, she motivates me to do the things I need to do. Since then I kept in touch about once a week since September, letting her know about my progress (which there has been. I've been working on studying for applications and the GMAT exam for b school). I recently asked her if we could meet, but she kept avoiding for one reason or another. She finally told me the reason was she knew I wanted to talk about us, but didn't want to, since she had moved on and wasn't at that place any more. She said she had started dating again. I then started to say what I wanted to if we were to have that conversation -- I told her I didn't know how else to be but open and honest with her, and told her how much I loved her, that she made me want to be a better person, and that I had picked up my pace, and knew exactly what I would be doing a year from now, and three years from now. That if I didn't get into business school this year, that I knew exactly what to do to beef up my applications and try again next year. That I wanted to go to school. Through out all of this, she said she wasn't at that place anymore, and that she hadn't thought about it, and that I should let it go. And at one point when I said it wouldn't be the way it was before, she snapped back saying she didn't know that. At one point she asked why I wasn't able to focus before, and I admittedly got nervous, I feel like I ended up repeating things I had said earlier this year about how my head wasn't on straight, that there were certain insecurities on my part. I also said that when i do pick up my pace, I think of her, and that I'd want her in my future (future is not something I talked about that often before, but it just seemed like it flowed out of me pretty naturally)To me the pain of the past came because of the tension that was created by our different pacing. She's a go getter, and it was a deal breaker for her. During the last convo she said at some point I was making it harder for us to hang out (with what I was telling her). I feel like I should have stopped but ended up saying some more, until she just wanted to get off the phone. I called again and just let her know that I hear her when she says that I should let it go, and I told her I love her, and it's tough. she said that I knew how this worked (dealing with a break up) that to concentrate on one thing at a time. I told her despite all this, It would still be nice to catch that movie. She said maybe something else after this week, but that I should see the movie with someone else. I told her I kinda wanted to see it with her, she said she would let me know. In general it just seemed like she didn't want to talk about us any more, and got increasingly flustered.I realize this is…long. And that it sounds like a person involved with an alcoholic trying to get them to change their ways. After a while if they feel like they aren't' making a sincere effort, they will up and go. And I wonder How one goes about asking them to consider the progress made so far, and what that might mean? Some of my friends tell me not to contact her again for a month at least..to let her know what she's been missing. I just wonder that I think she's already evaluated all this, and took the decision she did. And I'm here thinking I wonder if that's wise, that perhaps I might be making things worse by cutting off communication after that kind of conversation. That perhaps I should email her some time next week just acknowledging the conversation was difficult, and that it's hard, but I know this is her decision, and i want to respect that completely. I don't want to make it harder for us to hang out. She don't want to talk about us. Maybe I should have understood that earlier, and respected that. I do now. It would be nice to grab coffee some time this week. My conflict is I wonder how I should be reacting in the immediate term. We last spoke on Saturday, it's Thursday now. Also, how should I be thinking about this? I know she's an emotional person, and not cold hearted. But I also know she is not convinced things would be different, and I just wonder besies living my life and improving myself, taking care of whatever my issues might have been, what else can I do? I want us to be together, and I told her I wouldn't want it to be like the past, I'd want something better, and new. She's 25, and I just turned 28. Right now I'm in the family business which I grew up in, but am looking to transition out into finance. She is also looking to apply to b school, (I was with her during her first massive attempt at blasting our resumes, it was tough to see her get rejected and it was a personal blow to her - was there for her and with her through all of it). What do women think?
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male
reader, sausalito +, writes (28 March 2012):
sausalito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers - I try and re visit them every once in a while. I'ts been about 3 and a half months, and I'm doing a little better. Still have crying fits every now and then. I also wonder if I should be taking the approach by Blaise Harris (link here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Your-Lover-Back/dp/0440500893/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1332970516&sr=8-1) he basically says that it is better to love your lover back to you. YOu do this by of course always loving yourself first, but letting your lover know how you feel, and simply that you want to be the one that makes them happy. This holds true while they are seeing someone else as well. Part of me really wants to do this, since it makes sense - to develop something beyond and deeper than the previous relationship. Of course - all the time improving yourself and your life, working to achieve your goals. I wonder what you think. Perhaps the only thing stopping me is that she is, as she said, dating someone else, and that I should just let it go. I know I looked pretty sad and desparate during the last conversation, which is the other reason I haven't been able to call her till now. There's a strong part of me thinking that this is wrong, that I should try and keep in touch. Of course always have confidence in abundance, in reserves, while I keep in contact. The alternative is to do the same thing but to not keep in touch. But I wonder - when she goes through her phases in life, her ups and downs, someone else will be there to listen, and it won't be me. Doesn't that simply take me out of the running all together? What do you think?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 February 2012):
 I think you should live the live YOU choose, and not try to live up to an expectation that doesn't mesh with your own strengths or weaknesses. At this point, you have made it very clear you care deeply for her, but that isn't necessarily enough to make two people really compatible.
I get the sense she will always want more that you can provide, some people create a vacuum that others rush to fill. It's exhausting for the one who is forced into changing. The one who demands the change doesn't have to do any changing of her own, have you ever taken the time to process that?
Why should YOU change? Why can't she learn to live with YOUR choice of balance in life?
The point is she chooses not to, and alas, you two aren't fundamentally compatible if she's not willing to compromise. If you do all the giving all you'll be is a mere shell of your former self, as you'll have been living someone else's life.
Be yourself. Be content in yourself. You are worthy of being loved as you are, right now, today. You do not become more lovable just because you pass your GMATs or GREs or MCATs or LSATs or colonoscopy or driver's license exams.
Be yourself. If she shows up wanting to love that self, great. If she doesn't, fine. There are people out there who are probably more compatible with you. If you stay stuck on her, you'll miss them!
Be yourself. After all, every one else is already taken.
Be yourself. Relax.
I have some book recommendations if you are interested.
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A
male
reader, sausalito +, writes (23 December 2011):
sausalito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSillyB: Thanks for the kind words! I realize I made it sound like she is looking for a guy who makes a lot, but during the summer she said she was not looking for me to make a million bucks, but as the anonymous reader said - someone who has a plan and knows how to go after what they want.
It seems like every day I'm getting new, different thoughts. Yesterday, I thought that at least in the last conversation we had, I told her I loved her. I also told her from my heart that I knew exactly what I would be doing a year from now, and three years from now. I think she just isn't convinced because she saw me stop stop studying for the GMAT last year when I realized I wouldn't be able to make the deadline. It was tough - having that wavering mind. I realize just how much time I had wasted in dallying rather than settling into my pace and lighting that fire. Another thought - she seemed almost pissed off that I was telling her these things. Is it because she was thinking "NOW you pick up your pace, NOW you make up your mind, now that I'm not there."? Does that feeling go away with time, and what remains is what was actually said and not the anger? Also...and this kinda freaks me out..what if she thinks "well, if it took the break up to make him get better, maybe we should stay broken up"?? And finally...I feel like if I could have said something else. Something that I feel perhaps she knew but really doesn't, say things in just the right way so it gets through, it would open her eyes. Like really spell out how we didn't communicate when we could have even though the feelings were there and raging, and how I admit my pride got in the way a bit. Or is the general hint of it enough for the other person to get it?
I suppose what I'm ultimately looking for is for her to be receptive to what I'm doing. I want to create an environment for us that is positive, comfortable, and fun.
FYI, haven't contacted her at all yet. It's been about I've days now. We typically talk once a week.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (23 December 2011):
 Well, perhaps the best thing now is not to get in touch with her again. Just carry on with your own plans and life. If she should decide she wants to contact you again with a view to seeing if it might work out after all, then I'd leave it up to her to make the first move to call you.
However, if she does and you find you're only rehashing the same old stuff, then that would not be a good omen.
I wish you an enjoyable holiday season and good wishes for 2012!
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (23 December 2011):
 I think you're doing an awesome job at applying yourself and heading your career in the right direction. Don't spend too much more time chasing her- before you know it you'll be in grad school surrounded by loads of successful women. In the mean time work on yourself- travel, learn a language, focus in friendships and hobbies. Your ex is more interested in finding security ( with anyone) rather than being with you for you (flaws and all). Don't you think it is extremely harsh of her to be so tough on you, to not want to be with you based on how driven/successful you are? A woman like that will always be demanding... Before you know it she'll want you making 300,000 a year while she stays at home and goes shopping.... Find people who love you for who you are, not who hate you for what you're not :)
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A
male
reader, sausalito +, writes (23 December 2011):
sausalito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last commenter - Thank you for your insight. I understand, and it sounds very much like her. I want to do this for me, because I know that no matter what happens with other people, I will still have my career and my life, my successes. I don't think I was trying to build up on her, I was there for her through out, and took to figuring myself out while I was with her. Granted - I didn't have a set plan as I do now. She was open to hanging out, but I realize I made it a little harder. Maybe she is still open to it, but I haven't contacted her after that last conversation, and frankly I don't know when I will or when it might be appropriate. Maybe to wish her a Happy New Year. I want us to be in touch, because frankly I don't know if NC or anything like that would work. I admire her, and feel I have the drive she has in going after what she wants, I would talk to her about my progress while I kept in touch from September onwards, letting her know about my applications, essay angle, and thinking longer term in terms of career planning (i.e. networking with folks now to get where I want to be post b school). she seemed to listen actively.
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A
male
reader, sausalito +, writes (22 December 2011):
sausalito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses so far. I know I made it sound like she was never really interested, but she was. A lot. During the time before May when I broke it off, we would keep having conversations about it at night, and she would cry and say if it weren't for this issue, she would be moving in with me. That no matter what happened, she loved me. Even while we were pseudo dating - she told me she was in love with me. When ever we went out, she would cry, because this thing seemed unresolved between us, and she wasn't sure what to do about it. At some point she told me time stops when she is with me. I always asked her to try and keep patient, that it would work out, that I'm working on it and just need a little patience. I know it's easy to interpret it as she was never really interested in the first place, but she was. We poured a lot of ourselves into each other. I think the one thing that worked against us is that we didn't communicate as well as we could have, neither of us sat the other down and really put everything on the line. I want to do that with her now because I see a real future with her. I know I should have shut up earlier in the last conversation, and played the cool confident guy that is okay with not talking about things now - at least we could have had a good time together, and things could/might/maybe have developed from there. I think career pacing was an issue because she wanted stability soon, and wasn't convinced I had a plan I was motivated to go after. I've made progress since then. Maybe this adds a little perspective, may be not. Just wanted to let you know.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 December 2011):
Unfortunately, it's plain as day that she is not interested in a relationship with you.
She knows (and you know) you want more than just friendship.
No matter how much you try to "pace" yourself, it will only end for you in thoroughgoing frustration. I'm sorry, but you are flogging a dead horse here.
The only thing you can do is to let go - completely. Don't even attempt to get together on a "friendly" basis any more.
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A
female
reader, Lorelai  +, writes (22 December 2011):
Ah I'm sorry, it's not going to happen. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but I think you're pushing her further and further away with your desperation. Possibly the most unattractive trait in a person, I know you think she wants to be told how much you love her, but she doesn't.
Sorry, you need to date some other people.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): She has told you herself, she's moved on, is dating again. She has told you this in as gentle a way as possible. Leave her to get on with her life now, you can't be friends - she knows you want more. Your friends are right,give her alot of space.
You need to focus on yourself and your plans for the future, be the best you can be for yourself,nobody else.
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): As a self driven lady myself, I understand her. She really liked you a lot and the relationship....but she also wanted more in terms of stability. A self driven woman will only tolerate so much until she gets the obvious, that it just will not work. You felt uneasy and broke up with her, she thought about it gave u time n remained in contact with u. She evidently got tired of waiting and moved forward without u. There's nothing u can do to gain her or convince her. She seems very wise in decision making. To her, you're a risk.....an uncertainty. A self driven woman want stability and not the possibility of it. She want a person who is already there now, so that she may not repeat this hurt. Bc I assure this did hurt her as well. I'm similar in my way of thinking...I want a guy I am in a serious relationship with to have goals and not only that but also actively working to achieve those goals. As far as everything else, be your own motivater and don't drain the person you're dating by building yourself up off them. Temporarily it may be okay but habitually it will send a self driven woman running. Final thought, focus on getting things right for u and let your reason be bc u want to. Let your pace be set by u otherwise the person will believe you're all bull and hot air. Be strong and be happy. Happy Holidays.
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