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female
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*onfused0711
writes: OK.. I was dating this guy who I really was falling in love with. We got along great and everything was going well. There was one problem, I have a child and he wasn't sure how ready he was to take on a "family situation". He is 3 years younger than me. We talked about me moving to where he lived, which was a couple of hours away from me, and the only problem was he was not sure how he was going to feel about the situation after I made the move and I guess he needed more time to think before we made such a decision. So I decided that I should leave him since my daugher comes first and thought at that time that if he is not sure now, how would he ever be sure. Now I am a mess. I miss him a lot. I think that I should have given him more time to feel out the situation before calling it quits. I still talk to him once in a while. He always answers my calls but rarely contacts me first. Once in a while he does. I would like to see if this could work but I don't know what to do. Do I just leave him alone and let him contact me if he changes his mind or do I keep pursuing him? I try my best to just stop calling and let it be but my mind is always on him and it's driving me crazy. And by him still keeping contact with me does that mean he still has some kind of feelings left, even after I decided to call it quits? I am really confused.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2005): Maybe he's worried about looking after someone else's daughter and wants to be in a relationship where there's no children involved or no one else's apart from their children involved. He probably likes you as a friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2005): His uncertainty and relunctance with "taking on a family situation" was your first clear indicator that he was not ready for the responsibility of raising a child. Even though he didn't tell you in a straight forward way (likely for fear of hurting your feelings)..he should have. From his lack of interest in contacting you, it appears that interest has waned on his part. When men are sincerely interested, you can't get rid of them...they want to talk to you, they want to spend time with you. With him, this isn't the case. Move on, hun..time to find someone else who treats you well and learns to love you and your daughter, as you are both a package deal.
Entering into the dating game with children in tow is a daunting proposition, not only because you are at risk for getting hurt, but so is your child. You have to be careful and not all men you will meet will want to date a girlfriend with a child and I must commend you for "putting your child first". Too many single girls don't do this and their children suffer with an unloving step-parent. With a child in the equation, the stakes are raised, but it needn’t mean that you should shy away from dating for fear of getting hurt again or having your child hurt. By taking the relationship slowly, letting your child get used to your new partner, and not compromising on the amount of quality time spent with your child, there is no reason why you can’t find—and enjoy—a fulfilling romantic relationship as well as be a good mother and provider for your child.
So, be happy and keep being strong for your daughter and know..there are great men out there who would share their lives with people as special as you and your daughter. It may take time to find him..but that's a plus. Because when it comes to your daughter, you want to make the best choices for both of you. Take Care
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (1 September 2005):
Under the circumstances you have acted very sensibly. You have placed the welfare and needs of your child above all else. This man simply didn't give you enough incentive or commitment to move away. You cannot uproot your entire life based on a "might" or a "maybe". Fortunately your ex was decent enough to be honest about his feelings towards the relationship and hasn't led you on to make what could be an irreversible decision, or forced your child to undergo undue stress.
From what you've written it seems that he doesn't have the capacity to embrace the relationship for whatever reason. This isn't a criticism of his person, but obviously the partner that you become involved with needs the maturity, and understanding that your child is the most important factor in your life. Eventually the person you choose to be with will also become a part of your child's life also, so you must choose wisely.
Unfortunately this guy isn't right for you. You both have conflicting needs and he has implied this to you, with his words and behaviour. I don't think you have made a mistake in finishing the relationship, if he had truly wanted to pursue a relationship with you he surely have made the effort to try and reconcile. The fact he hasn't displays that he's not really interested. You admit that you are making most of the first moves. I suspect that he is only showing friendliness by calling you periodically.
You have unique needs for a relationship, and unfortunately this man cannot meet them. Sadly you have to accept this and move on with your life, rather than reaching dead-ends with this guy.
All the best
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