A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So here I go. I just don't understand a certain situation or how to handle it. Although there is a lot that goes into the background of this, I will just try my best to condense it. About 5 years ago I had a male friend who was in my life at a horrific time. My husband was severely bipolar, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, but when he wasn't suffering from a manic episode he was a good man. I was trying to keep my family together and protect my sons and also my husband from himself. I was a train wreck and was on the verge of a break down myself. This other man was my friend and was there for me emotionally when I was feeling at my end. I knew he thought he was falling in love with me so I told him we couldn't be around each other then. When he determined he could do this and just be friends, we continued out friendship. Then one night, it was a horrible night of an alcohol induced rage, my husband really lost it. This other man was there to help me pick up the pieces, put my house back in order, and get my kids to safety. Ok-- so in time the line was crossed and we became physical. I felt safe with him. Again, after just a short while I told him I couldn't do that anymore. I was actually scared of what could happen.and I would have never left my husband because I was the only person he had in his life. I had to do my best to take care of him and keep him safe from his illness. My husband landed up being hospitalized a few months later during a manic episode. They made me take him home and he killed himself 8 hours later and I found him. My world was torn apart, and I needed support. My male friend couldn't be there for me because he felt so much guilt. My husband never knew anything about the affair, but still this man ran away. We still had to see each other on occasion because of certain events we were a part of. As time went on and after 2 years we finally talked and were able to come to terms with what we did. We both started dating people, and both seemed happy and comfortable with our relationship and friend status. He and his gf broke up about 3 months ago, but I am still with my man who I truly love and adore. Anyway, I have been helping my friend out with his resume and the other night he crossed the line. He told me that he never stopped having feeling for me and we cried about our past, then he kissed me. I let him. I let it go further... I don't know why? I don't know why he initiated it again. I do love the man I am with and now I feel horrible. I don't want my relationship ruined. I am not in a terrible place like I was back then. So why would I let that happen, and can he get beyond it and just let us have a friendship? or do I let him go completely?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2013):
 Serial cheater may be harsh, and it's true that people do not knows for sure how they would react if they were in the other person'shoes - yet the fact remains that cheating is always a voluntary choice, not an inevitable result of compelling circumstances.
Many of us don't know what is like to live 15 years with a Jekyll/Hyde type- and would never know it , because maybe not the first, not the second, but surely the third time that Hyde shows up ( or Jekyll?- I don't remember which one was the mean one ) and threatens our personal safety and wellbeing and most importantly that of our children- we would take the door and be gone, forget about staying 15 years at the risk of getting killed or having the kids get killed. You chose to stay, but it was not the only possible,natural choice, love does not mean forgetting our responsibilities toward ourselves and our offspring, and when we do, it's not love, it's codependency.
Same as cheating was not the only possible natural choice to show your gratitude and attachment to the man that helped you in the darkest moments.
I am not having a go at you, and I am very sorry that you had to go through such a painful past and shocking experiences, I am just stressing out how we must be aware that any thing we do, any word we say is a choice and carries consequences , which we cannot pretend to ignore .
We can't play too often the card of " I could not help it " or " It just happened " or " It was stronger than us "- because 95% of times it is simply not true.
Now for instance- you know what happened in the past with this guy, you know he has feelings for you, you know you were / are attracted to him. You also know that you are in a relationship , that you love the new man, and that you should respect him.
So, why even hovering around the old one with the excuse of helping him out etc. ? don't help him out, he'll find somebody else to help him. Why pretending you can be just friends, at you age you should know that you cannot be just friends when there is mutual sexual tension. Even if you manage to keep the sexual tension in check - which, apparently you can't- if it has sexual undertones still it's not the pure , transparent platonic friendship that 's the only friendship you can have with a man until you are in your current relationship.
Conclusion- if you care about your current partner, you should severe any ties with this other guy . Neat and simple. If you still like the other guy out of gratitude or out of physical attraction, or what else, ...is it really relevant to anything? .Not much. . If you are committed to the new guy- then you can't like the old one and can't spoil yourself with cozy intimate occasions to go down memory lane and have stuff happen for old times ' sake.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): I am not a serial cheater and i think that is really harsh. I hope you never have to go through anything even similar to how I spent my last 15 years. You live a life with someone not knowing if you are getting Jekly or Hyde. Not knowing if your kids are safe for an hour with him, not knowing if he will show up to your work place in a manic rage. And still trying to love him and help him, but losing your own sanity daily. I am 5 ft tall and weighed 75 pounds when my husband died. You don't have a clue about hell til you have lived it. This man-- the only man I have ever "cheated" with was not a sex thing it was a bond and he rescued me from myself and my hell-- of course there are feeling there. And I do love the man I am with, he is so good for me, but the other man and I shared a time when my life was at its worst. Please don't judge me. I never judge people because i am not ignorant. I know that you never know what life will deal you and you never know what you will do when it does
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): As hard as it is you will have to let him go. He has feelings for you and it is not a platonic friendship and unfortunately it never will be. As to why you let it go further, you know the answer to that, no-one else does. If you love your partner then you will have to let this friend go for good. Sorry, I do know it's hard but it's for the best.
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