A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for the past four years now. We used to live together in Colorado but had some relationship issues and I moved home to be with my family in Maryland. We have actually managed a decent relationship and fly to see each other when we can and talk everyday sometimes for hours. This past summer the both of us slipped, I slept with someone else...though it meant nothing and neither of us care about that, and he slept with someone and that doesn't bother me but he got the woman he slept with pregnant. And that does create quite the issue. She wants nothing to do with him but she does want him to be a father to their child which is understandable. But where does that leave me. He still wants to marry me and I still love him and want him in my life but I don't want anything to do with the new baby. I don't want the responsibility of raising it and I also can't help but feel that sharing a beautiful moment by having a baby with my boyfriend has been stolen from me. Now I don't know what to do. I still love him and he has been begging me to marry him and try to work it out but maybe I should just move on. What does one do in this kind of situation?
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 ps
actually I've just re-read your post and a couple of things strike me as odd: you moved away because of problems with him; you sound almost surprised that you 'actually managed a decent relationship' from a distance;
you both slept with other people. How good is your relationship, do you think?
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (24 March 2008):
I think that if you have a genuinely good relationship, you shouldn't throw that away. It seems you've been spared what would have been really difficult - if your boyfriend had fallen for the other woman, and/or if she should have wanted him to be with her.
I think you could/can marry and get over this. Your baby together will be everything to you. I know it means that you will always have the complication of him having another child as well, but if the mother of that child is willing to take the major role in raising the child, you should have enough space in your life for your own life together. You will probably find it hard to tolerate his relationship with the other child, though, but if he's worth it, you'll do it.
I think that's what it boils down to. You have his good will and love. How much do you love him? Because you need to love him and cherish him a lot if you're going to do this. It sounds to me like you probably do, so you shouldn't lose him, whatever the situation.
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Hi, In later years, your boyfriend's child will always be a constant reminder that he made another girl pregnant. The child and then adult, will always be part of your life as you are married to his/her father. Christmas, birthdays, christenings, graduations, weddings will all be part of your future life. You will just have to grin and bare this even if it is uncomfortable for you. I personally, couldn't do this but I'm not you. I'm sorry for what has happened and the situation but you must make a decision for yourself. H.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 In this kind of situation,
a) the man must father the child. I don't mean just be the biological father; I mean father in the sense of being involved in his life forever, paying for his expenses, caring after the baby when sick, and a long list of etceteras
b) and you must accept the baby or leave. You can't ask a person to just dump a baby like a piece of meat. The baby didn't ask to be brought into this world and the man must be up to his responsibility. Maybe you don't like it, but it's nice to know that a man wants to take responsibility for a child.
What would you want the man to do, dear poster, if you were the baby? Or, if you were the other woman?
I also think that this relationship has deeper problems than a baby with another woman. For starters, you two slept with other people. You don't live in the same area and you actually moved out. I would be more concerned about that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): What one does in this situation is to make a decision and stick by it. No one can tell you what that decision is. Love is a commitment and it involves action and putting the needs of the other person first most of the time. If you don't want a boyfriend who has to pay child support to a woman he never loved but has a kid by, then that is understandable and logical.
But if you are in love with him and would lay down and die for him, then follow your heart.
I personally couldn't marry him after this, the reality of the situation would be enough to sober me up and I would try and move on....but I am not you, I am not in love so I can't tell you what you should do, just sit with your feelings for awhile and see if you can sort yourself out...try to use your brain over your heart and think about what your future would be like with this man. Romance fades, you have to have a strong foundation to get through what life throws you.
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