A
male
age
36-40,
*ondonguy
writes:Hi people, I'm a 24 year old guy from London, and have been having a few problems with my girlfriend of 5 years, which is really making me feel depressed.The first three years of our relationship was just like any other... there were good times and there were arguments.Toward the end of 2006, I became fed up with our arguments and took some time out. We ended up having a 6 month break.We got back together during the summer of last year. During which she told me there were a few guys after her, and she had given her number out but didn't pursue anything. Anyway, we went on holiday, and patched everything up. We were good after this, didn't argue much and just enjoyed being together.However, recently, within during the last month we started arguing and it has gotten out of hand. She has asked me for some space and a break.I want to give her this, but I'm finding it so hard...I can go two or three days without calling/texting her... but after that I just get the urge to contact her (which I've done...only to ruin everything again).I think the main fear I'm having is that she may be out getting to know someone else. She has alot of contacts on MSN, some of whom make me feel paranoid.It's been almost three weeks since I last spent time with her (although I have been calling/texting her now and again). I don't want to lose her and I feel that by giving her too much space (is three weeks not enough??!) it may be paving the way for her to get to know other men.She's angry at me at the moment, and I'm afraid this may cloud her judgement on our relationship.She thinks only of the bad things but forgetting the happy times that has kept us together for so long.I don't know what to do...sometimes I just feel the urge to go down to her place and speak to her...try and sort things out...What is the best way of dealing with this situation?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (22 July 2008):
 It's understandable that you would find it difficult to take a break but understand that people take breaks because they need to distance themselves from a bad situation. She wants to clear her head, and with you constantly calling/texting her, it is just going to make the break take even longer. A break in a relationship usually leads one of two ways- to a break up or to a better relationship. In order for it to lead to a better relationship, you need to give her time to miss you, give her time to think things over without your influence and make a decision that is best for her. If you keep bugging her, she'll stay angry. Show her more respect, let her contact you when she's ready.
As for talking to other men- you should have set up some rules for the break before you agreed to it. I.e., no sexual contact/dates with other men (or women), schedule a call once a week to check in, and perhaps even some guideline as to how long the break should last (a month or two, perhaps). Otherwise, the break might as well be a break up. They are not the same thing, if you are on a break, you are still technically together, so seeing other people is something you need to discuss.
Send her an email or give her a call, ask to work these details out, don't be clingy or needy. Let her know that you respect her need for space and time but that you need to clear up the "rules" of the break. Don't accuse her of seeing other guys, just tell her that you think you need to lay down some ground rules so that both of you know where you stand. Try to remain calm and compassionate with her, and don't start or encourage an argument. She will appreciate this.
In the meantime you should be using the break to evaluate your wants and needs, to assess where you went wrong in the relationship and what you can do on your end to be a better partner (to her, or someone else) in the future.
Good luck.
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