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male
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anonymous
writes: Me and my gf have been together for about 9 months and are having some problems. I would say our relationship is about 90% good, but there are a few things that keep coming up in arguments and are starting to sour the whole deal.The biggest of these is how we got together. I was with my ex for 2 years, and friends with my current gf for at least a year before we got together. There was no overlap, and I didn't cheat. However, everyone around us assumes I did a swap, one for the other. This is simply not true; I broke up with my ex for lots of reasons unrelated to my friendship to my gf.Anyway, whenever we talk about how we met (not often, we try to avoid it) what should be a cute reminiscing session about how we first knew we were in love becomes a battle of guilt and recrimination. My gf feels very guilty for, at the time, contacting and staying friends with another girl's boyfriend, with the sole intention of stealing me away.This bothers me, not only because this isn't what happened (like I say, we would have split up anyway) but also because it makes me seem like a kind of powerless puppet, being controlled by a manipulative woman. I chose to break up with my ex, and I choose to be with my gf.OK, so the guilt is compounded by the fact that she feels hurt that I was still with my ex for a year while knowing her, the length of time I took before I was with her, and if I liked her why didn't I switch earlier? I also get upset when I feel like she's comparing me to her ex boyfriends, and getting annoyed when I say or do something similar - like I would know what her past relationships were like?These issues have cropped up so many times that we have decided to get it all out in the open and talk it through. We're in a long distance relationship so it won't be until I see her next and I don't want to do it on the phone. So my question really is - are we better ignoring these troubles and trying to enjoy the happy parts of our relatiohshop, or should we try to resolve the guilt we both feel for hurting my ex's feelings? And if we should talk it over, how can I go about putting my feelings across without hurting her? Is it even worth trying?ANY help would be great!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): It's probably a good idea to talk about it, but you can't let it take over the relationship. Since you already agreed to have a discussion, I think you should do that. It's unlikely that one conversation will resolve everything ... deep-seated hurt and guilt take time to heal. So have the talk, but try to not to get too upset, even though she probably will. One of you needs to stay calm. When it feels like no more progress is being made, remind her that you care about her a lot and tell her you don't want to let something like this come between you. You're glad that you talked about it, even though you know it isn't completely resolved. Suggest that time and space from the issue are a good way to gain some perspective on it, and get her to agree that you won't talk about the issue again for some time. It's not that you'll repress it or pretend it doesn't exist - you'll just agree that the best way to resolve it is to leave it alone for a while and keep going in the relationship - you don't want this to be the only thing that defines the relationship for weeks at a time. You can come back to the topic in a couple of months - until then, agree that it won't be the basis for any conversations or arguments. If you have to, agree that you won't talk about how you met for a couple of months. Sometimes all you need is a chance to break the emotional inertia ... once you have some distance from the issue, it doesn't seem so huge.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Sir, heed my advice! Forward this page to your girlfriend, then proceed to talk about it with her. It is time to stop going to boards like these and pour your heart out to strangers.I implore you sir, to communicate with your gf - forward this to her. It will show her your sincerity.
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (22 February 2006):
if it has no bearing on the relationship and the rest of the relationship is good then you should just try not to talk about these issues. i was with someone else when i got with my current bf and he gets jealous thinking i want to get back with my ex or something. you should have one last discussion about it, try not to argue but don't worry if you do. once it is all out in the open you won't need to mention it again. work on the good stuff cos it seems like you have a basically good relationship that you don't want to lose.
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