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female
age
41-50,
*ueena
writes: me and my bf always argue a lot and we don't solve our problems coz we just don't understand each other and i can not take it anymore, i feel like leaving him but i couldn't do that coz i love him soo much.what do i do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): You both are caught up in this emotionally damaging and abusive dynamic for reasons that stem from childhood.
Yes; that has to be it.
When a child has every need met, emotional, physcial, mental, and moral-they have very little cause to tolerate any sort of abuse as they would know what it is that makes them happy and they know what it takes to be in a healthy relationship.
Abusive styles of parenting are:
The Abandoning, Rejecting Parent
-the most devastating form of emotional abuse to a child. Physically leave them at home for hours on end, having them wait in cars on end, forgetting to pick them up at movies, after school events, or divorce where they seldom see them anymore. Or emotionally by withholding affection, attention, adn encouragement.
The Possessive Parent
She/he wants to dominate, control, and emotionally consume her child. Being over protective, often refusing others to hold the childor take care of him/her.
They feel threatened by their child's sense of exploring and developing for fear they will leave them.
They feel threatened and jealous of anyone or anything that will rob that will take their child away from them.
They don't want their child to grow up so the child can meet their needs.
The Domineering, Controlling Parent
They dictate every aspect of their child's lives by dictating how they speak, how they act, how hey dress and whom the associate with under the guise of teaching or guiding.
The Hypercritical Parent
Finds fault in most everthing their child does, the way he talks, the way he looks, the way he interacts with others, his schoolwork, his choice of friends.
They are quick to point out what their child did wrong or has left undone.
Their child will never be polite enough, thoughtful enough, smart enough, or attractive enough to please them.
They use verbal abuse and choose words such as you are so stupid, you are the laziest, you are so ugly, and then the child in turn begins to believe it after hearing it time and again.
The child in turn begins to develop fears of losing their parents love and the hypercritical parent continually threaten's their child's sense of security.
This type of abuse may take a lifetime to overcome.
So...figure out what it is you are caught up in and what you both represent to the other and what abusive relationship from childhood are you both caught up in re-inacting before you can really get somewhere that sees you both being strong, smart, and love and capable of loving.
Seek some couple's counselling and individual counselling.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2006): hi there
im in a similar siuation. i have tried to talk 2 my b.f about the arguments and that they need to stop, before we end up hatin each other but when i tried to talk 2 him he thinks im havin ago and blaming him for everything. i found out in the end all it was is he needed more attention from me.i sit and talk with him, tell him my feelings and that i love him every week, i start off the conversations, i go for the hug, go for the kiss rather than him and he loves it, things are getting better between us, if an arugment seems to be about to arise i just leave the room and calming say 'im sorry but im not going to speak with you when the atmosphere is like this, have a think and lets talk when you and i both know whats we really want to say' he or i will then make the 1st move and speak to each other calmly, mainly he realises after a little time alone that he shudnt of did wot he did or sed wot he sed and he will say sorry, or i will say sorry, but the thing to remember is never to be scared to say the word sorry, some people hate to say sorry or to think that they may be in the wrong, but when u think deeply about the situation (argument) whatever it may be, you'l probly c that yes you yourself may be partly to blame.
Good luck with everything, hope i have helped in some way
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2006): What do you love about him? Why all the arguements? I think you have probably got in a rut with him and staying is the easy option. Why don't you two for a trial separation, say one month and see how you both feel about each other then.
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, lovelikethis +, writes (12 December 2006):
you do not love him. you love the idea of him. you can not "fix" a relationship, you can only flow in a relationship. if that is not happening than do both yourself and your bf a huge favor, break up and loose eachothers phone number. if it was meant to be, your paths will cross again, don't stress!
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A
female
reader, beautifulxxbrunette08 +, writes (12 December 2006):
 well sweetie, i am going through this same issue here recently. but the thing is, i love him too much as well. the thing you must realize is that when you love someone, you love them enough to solve your issues no matter what it takes. i know that it seems like he is attacking me sometimes and that he doesn't understand how i feel and sometimes it seems as though he doesn't care, but deep down i know he does. if i didn't love him so much i would have already left him. so you must either sit down and talk about it with him and explain what you have been feeling lately and you want to fix it before you end it when you really in your heart still want to be with him. you need to let him in on this issue. you need to make sure each other knows that you cannot not solve a problem between the two of you because lets say you to leave each other on bad terms or go to bed angry at each other, how horrible would you feel and how empty would it feel if that person was permanently gone to next say and you never said a proper goodbye? ask yourself that. and identify the problem, is it really worth it all to argue over things such as you do?
i wish you the best.
xoxo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): Don't leave him if you love him. Get some professional help to get your problems resolved, if you are not able to do so yourself.
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A
female
reader, glamgirl +, writes (12 December 2006):
 have you tried a break?
if not I think you both should try one, so that you can both get your heads sorted and it gives you both time to think what you really want. also it depends on the kind of arguements, if its stupid arguments then its natural.
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