A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:we live two cities apart and we have been married for 4 years. during all this period i have been the one calling everyday and he only calls when i complain about it.I have been neglecting him since our son was born 3years ago, he says it’s because I wanted the child so bad that I put most of my attention to him. I could agree with this. He now says he is tired of complaining by my lack of affection to him. Last summer when we were discussing our problems, I promised him that I will now come home regular and that we should really cut costs in order for this to happen. I even said he should give me extra cash each month so we can make this possible. We have not managed to do this due. We just lost our second pregnancy 3 weeks ago; he was unable to see me due to our living situation. 2 days ago a sent him a sms saying I think I should resign so we can be together and he responded by saying “when? This distance has contributed to the lack of affection between us and made us vulnerable to Satan and his temptation”. I felt so alone when I read that and I asked myself is he cheating. I’m not sure if my resignation would help anymore. Today he came to see me, he said he is tired of trying to work out our problems; the lack of sex and affection, the distance between us has left him feeling that we are not a couple anymore. We have not made love since we knew that we are pregnant, during that time we managed to see each other twice. He went to bed and woke up early during this period. should i keep trying to work on our relationship or just give up. i am really scared, i cant imagine my life without him. i acknoledge i contributed but i dont know where to start to resolve our problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe own the home that he lives in. i work, we earn around the same amount, i earn R2000 below him be annum. our debts are more than the income combined at this memoment but with our budget plan we will recover around february next year. we tried the work transfer for me but turns out my employer pays lower than those elsewhere, therefore no one is willing to down grade salariesextended families are supportive to some level but we both agreed that we dont want them involved in our marriage he is the one could possibly be tempted, i think he is talking about finding himself having an affair i suppose.there are debts as we are extending our property and our daya to day expenses, the house is also on a mortgage bondhe is a wonderful father, it would really be sad to see our son lose his father because of this, they are really good togetherwell on the issue of friends he has a friend whose wife resigned to be a stay at home mom even though they live together. from this he once said that they are experiencing financial problems taht seems to make the husband resent the wife, which is why he feels i should keep trying to find a job.the emotional and affection.i tried some of the things he mentioned but i failed first time around,i am stil willing to try. in tems of our culture we are not yet able to be together romantically that is. i was hoping that by going back home to him we would be able to work on lack of affection.i spoke to him last night about going back to the church and speak to the Reverend about our problems since we agreed when we got married that we would be turn to the church not families in days like this. he agreed. that is the latest development and i am happy with the progress. i pray that all this will be something we laugh about in future when we are 25 years in our marriage.i do not want divorce.i thank everyone that is trying to assist, please dont stop.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): A few questions that I need clarity on before I respond properly about possibly ending your marriage:-2 different cities: JHB and DBN? Or another city?- who earns more? You or him? Are u both professions?- can either one not get a transfer?-where you both live: which home do you both own? Or are both places being rented?- extended family? Do you get any emotional support from them?-"satan and temptation" What the hell? Who is being tempted? Hubby? You? - is hubby a good dad? -outstanding debt?- friends Influence?- in law issues?-your lack of affection. Why? Your husband expressed his need. Why are you not meeting it?-emotional bond with hubby. Non existant? - spiritual help: and counselling a pastor? (I'm assuming Christian faith?)Anything else that we should be made aware of?LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2012): don't resign from your job for a husband who doesn't want this marriage anymore. If he welcomed the idea of your resigning to be with him, then I would say do it. But he has already decided he doesn't want to continue this marriage. he has already has one foot out the door.The lack of affection is not just due to the distance, it is a separate issue and the distance just made it worse. So just moving back into the same house isn't going to be a magic pill that solves all your unhappiness. it could actually make things worse. there's already unhealthy patterns of talking to each other and thinking about each other that's firmly established. There's already habits of not communicating or hiding information and thoughts and feelings from each other. These do not go away just because you now resign from your job and move back in with him. In fact, he may be thinking what good is there living together now? just so you can now spend MORE time arguing because now you will see each other every day so you will now argue every day?Dont' think of it as "giving up" think of it as "moving on.""Giving up" puts a negative spin on things. It implies that you have failed or are lacking something.Moving on looks ahead at positive solutions and liberating yourself from the past.You should move on and not stop wasting time on this marriage. Your husband has already come to that conclusion so no matter how much you may want to try it just won't work because it takes two people. And that is even if you truly wanted a hundred percent. You aren't even at a hundred percent anymore because you too have been worn down.You cannot work on your relationship by yourself if your husband has already mentally checked out. It sounds like he has been that way for a long time already, now he's just voicing it more convincingly. If there aren't two people willing and wanting to be together, there can be no "working out" of the relationship. Just one person wanting to keep things going while the other doesn't (even if he still stays out of lack of other options), will not lead to any positive outcome.Get out of this marriage and move on now, before the disintegration gets even worse (for example when infidelity starts to creep in if it hasn't already).I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. But honestly I think that if your marriage is in such serious trouble you shouldn't be trying to bring another child into it in the first place as that is not fair on the child to be brought into a home where a divorce is imminent and very likely.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Hi
Why do you live two cities apart when you have been husband and wife for 4 years?
Its no shock your marriage is in trouble when you don't even live in the same city let alone the same house. Resigning from your job and moving now may be too little too late. He could not even be with you when you lost the baby, when you must have needed him with you.
You live seperate lives already, it is not a marriage its a long distance relationship that has run its course.
Set yourself and him free.
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A
female
reader, No one 300  +, writes (11 May 2012):
Well if you can't imagine your life without him, why you live so distant? It seems like he isn't part of your life anyway. Maybe you are just afraid of consequences of breaking up?
First of all, you need to examine your own feelings, are they real or just a habit?
If he complained about your care about kid, and called your son, that you both have, just one of your personal wishes, think about feelings your son did or did not got from his father, and what kind of man is he going to be one day, what kind of father? Any better? I don't say you should give up from your husband, but i think marriage is much more than what you two made from it.
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