A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend just doesnt get me sexually. He likes it hard and fast and athletic and it takes him a very long time to come, I like it soft and slow. I try and guide him but he just takes over!! and Im swore and eager for it to be over :( tried to talk about it but i think this is all he knows and doesnt get it! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 Do you know if he uses, or at least used , to masturbate a lot ? ( with, or without porn ) .
I hope you don't take this as a critique because it 's not meant as such, but this is the typical, typical lovemaking style of a guy who's got himself sort of " desensitized " and trained himself to respond only to masturbative stimuli. You may have the vaginal muscles of a 12 y.o. athlete, yet there's no way that intercourse can reproduce exactly the firm grip and superfast speed of masturbation, ergo the super energetic performance and the delayed ejaculation.
If thet were the case, .. all he's got to do is to "retrain " himself... stay a week or two without masturbating at all every now and then.. and doing it less in general...... and he'll find himself much more
reactive to intercourse .
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 February 2013):
 OP
please feel free to PM to discuss this further in private if you like. I totally get what you are saying
I hate a guy that takes too long and I think I have a few suggestions that might help but since we may go back and forth a few times I think it would be better to take it off the main board...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionahh thank you this is much more helpful I really appreciate you all taking the time to help but am very sensitive to my partner being criticized as he is a wonderful man... so thanks again for more sensitive advise. the irony is I think my partner is desperate to "perform" but is getting it all wrong. also he takes a very long time to climax and if we go slow he will take longer in the long run or not climax at all!! sometimes I find myself forcing us to slow down but feel rushed and think sod it just let him get on with it as I can see hes not enjoying it and it will make him take even longer. this is as much my problem as his and yes I will try and talk to him about it in the way you all advised. as for taking a long time to come this is half the problem and have asked help before on this subject only to be told "lucky you"!!! sorry but I dont feel lucky!! lol thanks again everyone xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I think your follow ups show that this is a lack of communication more than anything else. In your original question you said you had told him how you felt and he ignored it. There is a big difference between the two - one means he doesn't know, the other that he doesn't care. You are going to need to sit him down and explain. Be tactful and tell him that your sexual needs have changed over the years and you are starting to feel pain now when it is too vigorous. You don't need to say you don't enjoy it or anything, tell him what you do want instead of what you don't want. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
are you not telling him you are unsatisfied?
if you don't talk to him (trying to guide him will not work) then he has NO CLUE what the problem is.
the first thing you need to do is NOT talk about this in bed.
what you need to do is make a lovely dinner one night when you have lots of time... you can let him know that there is something you want to talk about. But be careful about that when my husband tells me that or I tell him, we both make it happen then and there.... because we are afraid it might be bad so maybe you can tell him that it's personal but not bad and no I'm not pregnant or something like that.
and then you talk.... you tell him how happy you are being married but that you need to make some changes in your love life..
Honey I'm not as young or as fit as I used to be and I love when we go hot and heavy most of the time but once in a while I need to do it slow and easy...
that's what I have so far.... does any of that resonate?
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A
male
reader, DoctorJim +, writes (27 February 2013):
Hmmm, sounds to me like your BF has been watching too much porn and expects you to behave like the women he sees in the videos. Or maybe he thinks that because that's what the men do in porn, he has to act the same way.
Whatever you need to talk to him, outside the bedroom, and let him know what you're feeling. Use small words. Ask him if he'd like to be on the end of a large vigorous dildo, it might make him understand what you're putting up with.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 February 2013):
I don't think it's going to devastate him to hear that you'd like to make love every once in awhile. Let him "f#ck" you sometimes, other times tell him what you want.
So many problems in a relationship stem from this idea that women have that men should be able to read their minds. We were given mouths and ears for a reason, use them. There is no reason to tell him you don't like his style of sex, simply tell him that you'd like to take it slow and have some bonding along with your sex.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 February 2013):
 i disagree with some of the other comments. i don't think it necessarily means you're completely incompatable and incapable of working out. i just think you two have completely different tastes in bed. which isn't that uncommon. it's just somehow finding a way of meeting in the middle.
think about it this way. just the same way you like it slow, he likes it fast. asking him to give up fast and succumb completely to your wishes like others have suggested really isn't compromising at all. it's saying either my way or the highway. just the same that you have the right to enjoy it and want it slow, he has the right to want it fast.
my suggestion is that perhaps you haven't expressed yourself quite firmly enough to him. sometimes as women, we don't realize we aren't asserting ourselves in a way that's getting our point across. we try and give subtle hints and body language so we don't hurt anyone's feelings. but men don't tend to pick up on that so much as just being blunt and honest. have you straight up told him - "i don't like it fast and rough. it HURTS me and i don't enjoy it"? if you haven't, try saying it as straight-forward as that. and see if you can't compromise somewhere in the middle. sometimes you do it slow the way you like, and other times hard and fast like he likes. there's bound to be a compromise somewhere in there. but realize that you may not ever fully just get your way. you will have to give a little bit, as well. and he certainly does, too. good luck!
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Are you sure that you are communicating directly to him or are you dropping hints and hoping that he picks up on what you want? You have to be extremely direct in your communication during the act. If it hurts, you push him off and tell him it hurts. Then tell him Look this is how I like to be touched and show him. If you have to be a bit harsh in terms of your criticism of his love making, then do it. It seems like he needs it in order to adjust.You can also see if there are any seminars about love making that couples can attend. It will be a fun way to learn how to touch each other all over again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, we have been through a lot and cannot bear to be apart! the reason I'm asking for help from you guys is because He will be devastated if he knew how much i didn't enjoy it... we can talk about anything but i find this hard... we were engaged when we were 18 and were very compatible then but I changed!! I was a lot younger and fitter then, he's not a mind reader. if all Im going to get is people telling me he's wrong for me then I'm going to get upset and end up not getting any advice..... all I want to know is how to tell him without breaking his heart as he just doesn't see it... I mask my discomfort
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow so? I am his no.1 priority and he treats me like a princess. I save his feelings by masking my unhappiness because he would be devastated.... i would explain the history of our relationship which would tell you that he is a good man but do not feel the need... i am asking for help because i do not want to hurt him, he would be distraught and its my fault for not being more bold with my hints!!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 A "... loving, caring man..." does NOT inflict pain and suffering upon his intimate and sexual partner. Please take the time to reassess just what and who this guy is in your life....
The protestations in your two follow-ups are totally inconsistent with your original posting. YOU need to make up your mind....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): I know this might sound harsh, but your boyfriend basically doesn't care enough about your sexual needs to make the effort to change. If you thought something you were doing was hurting him (you say you are sore) and turning him off you would make the effort to at least try to reach a compromise right? He is not. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, but his own sexual needs are far more important than yours in his eyes. It doesn't sound like you are going to get him to change, so you will need to decide whether this type of sex is something you can learn to live with? If it were me I couldn't. Not only because it did nothing for me, but I'd also start resenting him and the fact he was getting sexual satisfaction but I wasn't. Ever. I'd also like to point out that not many women like sex like that all the time so you are not alone. Basically what he is doing is equal to masturbating but with a woman instead of his hand - fast and selfish, ie focused purely on getting him off. I know it's not what you want to hear, but this doesn't sound like a man who can be described as the most loving caring man. If he were he would be bothered that your sex life does nothing for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy partner is the most loving caring man Ive ever known, its not that he wont compromise, my happiness is important to him, sex is the only area that has issues, he just cannot seem to adjust
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno we are definitely partners for life, the rest of our relationship is perfect
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