A
male
age
51-59,
*esperatInNeedofHelp
writes:A year ago, I was going through a rough time in life. I had lost my job, which put a strain on our relationship. I/we were not talking much about our feelings and our self-worth. The relationship was strained. I had a lot of low times and did not want to get out of bed most days. I started talking to someone that showed me a little attention, I had not had this in a long time. I was an emotional mess. With that said, I had a one time thing and I was caught.My partner and I talked about it then and I thought it was over and we both accepted it. This past month, my husband saw me talking with someone and thought I was going back to the last time. He became jealous and said all of these old feelings had resurfaced. I was totally unaware. Within this time, he started talking with his new best friend about it instead of me. On his days off I would ask where he was, knowing he was at the friends, I would get a different answer. At that point, I thought he was having an affair. I have asked several times if he has feelings for this friend and he says no, just a connection for a best friend that is hard to find.I know we have had a lack of communication in our relationship and that is our fault together. We have talked about that. He is upset of the fact that he thinks it could happen again that I could have an affair and I am upset that he didn't tell me about these feeling and would talk to the best friend first. There are times that he will talk to the best friend several times throughout the day and I only get to talk to him shortly before work and after work. I feel like I am the 2nd wheel and I am the husband. Should I be upset or is it all in my head. Am I just seeking validation and wanting to know I have that I will get that trust back?Our relatioship has been under a huge strain the last 2 weeks. We have been together for 7 years and married for 5. I want the relationship to work and I want that trust back. How do I convince my husband that I have changed and he can trust me? We are in a new place in our lives, both have new jobs, have moved out of state, and I thought we were well on our way to a new change. Is it all the new changes that could be causing this strain? I need help. I am an emotional wreck!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2013): You should definitely see your doctor for testing for depression. You persistently describe symptoms throughout your article. Read up on the symptoms of depression and visit your doctor. Explain entirely what you are feeling; so a proper diagnosis can be made, and you can be referred to the proper healthcare specialist for treatment.That being said, lets discuss your affair and your husband's reactions and behavior. Infidelity is a hard pill to swallow. Earning your husband's trust back is psychologically burdensome in your current state. You don't identify the gender of your husband's "new best friend." You don't use a gender-specific pronoun. Why? Is it another man or another woman? I will not presume in this case.Let's just speculate based on your limited details. Your spouse may be spending more time with his "best friend" because his marriage is a downer. Depressed people affect everyone around them. His feelings of distrust may make it hard for him to be in your company. His rage and feelings of betrayal may be more than he can handle alone, and he may need personal counseling. A supportive friend is only a mild substitute; and sometimes, all he may need. Financial reasons may delay getting counseling; because it can be costly, and sometimes ineffective. It all depends.There may also be an element of tit for tat. You cheated, so he may feel he has to do the same to alleviate his pain. That is only adding fuel to the fire. Any layman, myself included, will recommend marriage counseling. If you're just getting back on your feet financially, you'll need to seek help through organizations that offer free family counseling. Go online or check through local social services. Free help is better than nothing. If you have spiritual faith, you can also counsel with your minister, priest, or Rabi. Not excluding the healthcare you require.Your suspicions may be true, and/or may be only symptomatic of your guilt for cheating. It didn't help when you turned to other men for solace from your marriage. That's what mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, and best girlfriends are for my dear! Who can really blame your husband for how he feels? Your marriage is in a poor state.Partially your fault, and partly circumstantial. Right now, fault and blame is not the issue.Right now you need healing, so work on yourself to get healthy. That is the most important thing right now. No matter how your marriage turns out, you can't deal with all this in your present state of mind and mental health. Reach out for help from "the right sources" and be as kind to yourself and your husband as you can. Avoid confrontations. Make peace, and talk with your mother. Get exercise and change your diet. Join a lady's club or self-help group to talk about the things you wrote about in your article, with other women of similar experiences. Make this your utmost priority in your life. Once you've changed, your outlook will change.You'll survive, even if your marriage doesn't. I truly feel for you and your husband. I know it is difficult; but in time, all things pass. Many people are experiencing what you are right now. You're not alone.
A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (27 February 2013):
Dear OP,
1. Did you go to a doctor to talk about what happened to you emotionally. You may have had experienced depression and I have the feeling you still are. Please do go see a doctor and check this out
2. Please do go to a marriage counselor with your husband. If he is reluctant, go counselling for yourself as the sessions would really help. Both of you have problems that run deep and only a licensed therapist or counselor is able to help you.
Good luck!!!
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