A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My dad has problems communicating with people. He has a mental illness, but which one not even the doctors can pin down. Maybe a combination of Aspergers, bipolar personality disorder, and quite a chunk of paranoia. He is very self centered. The world revolves around him, and he takes offense so easily. Now he's pushed away his entire family, all who's left still talking to him is me, basically. And he keeps asking me why the others wont have anything to do with him. I've told him to go to therapy, to speak to his doctor, to get help. He refuses, which is what I expected given his paranoia. He wouldn't dream of opening up to someone out of fear they will use it against him. He always thinks everyone is out to get him. Lately he's been complaining about how my youngest brother wont speak to him, and then moans about this one time where he took a random trip to the city my brother lives in, without even telling my brother he was coming. He took this random trip that he almost couldn't afford, so now he also complains about the money he wasted in this trip. So, out of the blue, he arrives to this city and expects my brother to drop everything and come hang out with him. My brother does go to meet him, but only for a short time, and then he has to go again. Now my father moans and complains about how little my brother cares about his father, how horrible he was to not just drop every plan and go hang out with him (even though he DID go meet him). Then he asks ME why my little brother is to mean to him... I've tried to tell him that he can't just go like that, and appear out of the blue, and then expect everyone to drop everything and be with him. But he doesn't get it! The world revolves around him like I said before, and nothing if of importance unless it's got something to do with him. I'm so sick and tired of this now, is there anyone who's ever been in a similar situation? Anyone who can think of something I can do about this? I can't force him to see a therapist unless he's suicidal, and I can't speak sense into him either. He simply wont listen when I tell him what he does wrong. He takes EVERYTHING as a personal attack on him! If I am busy and can't pick up the phone when he calls, he has a go at me the next time we speak and yells at me because I "ignore" him! Of course no one wants to speak to him when that is how he approaches people! It's common sense, but he's oblivious. And then he "forgives" me for my offense... It drives me to my wits end, especially when he then claims later on that he doesn't know what wrong he's ever done to anyone, and doesn't understand why no one wants to talk to him or spend time with him!
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female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 Yep unfortunately as stressful as it is that is the fact. They can't socialise properly and see everything black and white and there isn't anything you can do to change that.
Maybe you can get counselling also on how to deal with situations that arise and perhaps it can help you deal with things that he does and that don't make sense to you but do to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, it makes sense in his mind, but friendships aren't about tit for tat. You don't make friends by exchanging services, by being nice only if they're equally nice back, and keeping scores of who owes whom how much. It's like they didn't read the book on how to socialize normally. Everything has to be in this set order of debit and credit of exchange of service.
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female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (28 February 2013):
Yeah with the friendships i understand my boyfriend is the same. If they don't make as much effort as he or notice that he makes an effort with them then they aren't worth his time or effort.
In his mind it's logical as it maybe in your fathers mind. Same with family if your father feels they aren't giving him the time and effort he deserves and that he is giving them he won't want to associate with them.
He'll keep those that mean the most to him he'll only want a small circle because he doesn't want to try and impress all those that don't want to know him ( that is probably how he views it )
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, both of you. Sometimes it just becomes too much, and I go on here to let it all out. I appreciate your responses.
I have talked to him about seeing his doctor, and a therapist, but he naturally doesn't see a need for it. I have suggested that I come with him. I am going to keep at it, and keep telling him to go see one. Maybe he's budge in time. But for now, he believes he is normal, and that it is everyone else who are wrong. Everyone else need to go get help, not him. He thinks a therapist will label him a loonie, or press him up against the corner somehow. He already went to a psychologist 5 years ago, for a period of a year. By the way he speaks of it he wasn't upfront with the psychologist about things that happen in his life, he kept secrets. So that the psychologist wouldn't "find out" things about him (this is where his paranoia plays in).
He calls himself a social person, yet he doesn't have any friends, doesn't know how to keep friendships. If he gives something he always wants something back, never gives just for the sake of giving. If he's nice to someone, and they aren't nice back in the way he feels he "deserves", he cuts them out of his life. That's what has happened to every friend he ever had, and his family members too. They do something to "offend" him, even though no one else in the world would get offended by it. And then he leaves in a rage and self proclaimed righteousness.
Everything anyone ever does, he takes offense, and believes we're out to get him, punish him, or take revenge on him. It always has to be about him... It can't ever be coincidental, or about the other person just forgetting, or the other person just not thinking it was important. No, it's always some plot, carefully thought out to deceive him and hurt him and put him in a bad light.
I can go on and on... But I think for now, I'm the one in need of therapy for as long as he refuses to go!
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female
reader, lmao1989 +, writes (27 February 2013):
If he's mentally unstable everything will be about him he's obviously suffering. Aspergers is a difficult thing to deal with alone they have to think about everything they do in day to day life when to give eye contact are they giving too much are they giving enough.My boyfriend has Aspergers and he worries constantly about he appears to my family and friends because he can come across as rude because of lack of eye contact.He also suffers with depression. Your father probably thought he done a nice thing because that is what 'normal' people do surprise people and felt that it wasn't appreciated. People with Aspergers are difficult to spend time with but you need to make that effort because he is suffering alot and he probably doesn't understand why the family has gone because whatever he did was in his eyes logical.Aspergers see things black and white they need things spelt out to them. I don't think your father is at all self centered i just think right now he's trying to deal with a lot and is wondering why no-one wants to be around him.Why don't you suggest going to see a therapist with him or go to the doctors with him he'll probably really appreciate the support you're offering to him. Maybe you can then gain an understanding of why he is the way he is towards you and the family. It could really help build the relationship.Hope this helps.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I suggest that you love and stand by him, as a SON.....
But leave any correction of his mental woes to the PROFESSIONALS. From your description, that's who needs to be called upon to help him...
Good luck..
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