A
female
age
51-59,
*isangel5
writes:My husband and I have been married for 5 years. I am 36 and he is 29. We are best friends, soul mates, partners and co-conspirators at times. We both love each other madly and would rather spend time with each other than anyone else on earth. We have the usual tiffs that all married couples do...who's turn it is to take out the garbage, what to spend money on. The typical things that tend to work themselves out shortly. But in general, we are very happy, except... he's not interested in my sexually. When we first started dating, we had sex all the time. We couldn't get enough of each other. We sneaked out of parties to grab quickies in the car! I was amazed to find someone that I was so sexually compatible with. We were married a year after we started dating and he started to loose interest immediately. On our honeymoon, I had to actually pester him to make love to me. I was so confused, I didn't know what was happening. I thought maybe it was just the stress of the wedding and I let it go. But it hasn't gotten any better.He tells me everyday that he loves me and that I am beautiful, he kisses me and hugs me all the time, and he is very loving and giving. But he gets upset if I try to initiate sex or even make a sexual comment to him. The only time we have sex is when he wakes up in the middle of the night with a stiffie. There is no intimacy involved, no kissing, no foreplay. He just gets in there, gets the job done and goes right back to sleep. Sometimes without ever even opening his eyes!I have tried talking to him about this, but it only makes him angry. He even tried to tell me that "it just doesn't work anymore". But I know this is not true since I get the 3 AM poke every couple of months, and he wakes up aroused almost every morning.I am a big beautiful woman and I have never doubted my sex appeal. I have had many lovers in my day and I still illicit a few lewd glances now and then. But I am starting to feel like this is my fault, like I am no longer attractive, too old, too fat, too needy. Tonight, he actually told me that I can't pull off sexy and kinky, that it just isn't me. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but that is the exact opposite of what I have been told many, many times.I don't think that he knows just how hurtful his rejections are to me. When I try to tell him, he says I'm just "too sexually oriented", and over sensitive. I don't get it. How can we be so compatible in every way except in the bedroom?I know that sex is just part of marriage and a lack of sex is no reason to leave someone, but I can't spend the rest of my life just being a hole in the dark. How do I get him interested again? HELP!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2010): Okay, this is my third marriage. I guess I listened to the "never give up" speech. And I was very ignorant and too confident in myself. My husband was married before and he told me stories about how he talked himself out of having sex with his ex wife. Pretending to have a heachache.We have been married for 7 years now, and sex has always been an issue. I tried everything, seducing him, talking about it. And when it happens, once in a blue moon, it is over in less than 10 minutes. No foreplay, no tenderness. Done and over.He comes home from work and gives me a "little sister kiss", I sit in the evening in front of the tube, he in front of his computer. He gets up in the middle of the night to play a stupid computer game, but is too tired for sex.I have thought already about looking for the affection elsewhere, but time, schedule, stress etc. keep me from doing this. Plus, we live out in the country with no place to go out for fun.Plus, these 7 years of rejection and lack of affection have put a big damper on my self esteem and confidence. The questions constantly arise. "Am I too ugly, fat, old?"We have been to counseling, but the only things that were talked about, were the after effects of an accident he had a few years ago, and what kind of impact this accident had on him. The lack of closeness was pushed aside. I stopped going to counseling after the first session.Promises such as "Everthing will change, once...." are never kept.Last year was the first time he actually was holding something in his hands for a special day. Up until then I received "gift certificates" with pictures of items he had intended to buy for my birthday, Christmas, Anniversary, etc. But then again, my birthday came around and I was told that he had ordered my present way in advance, but the supplier did not send it out on time. Another "Gift Certificate". I found the invoice for the present at a later time, and he had ordered it exactly on my birthday and not in advance. And it was way too expensive, at least in my eyes.I am at my wits end. We are involved in many projects together and seem to work well together. But that is all he needs. Someone next to him in bed, preferrably asleep, and someone that can work with him on his dreams.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): I'm in the exact same situation with my husband. We've been to counseling and talked all of this thru several times. I've been very detailed about what I need from our marriage and he has completely ignored all of what I've said. I've pretty much given up on the sex situation, but I did ask for more affection - hugs, kisses, etc. and all I got was some extra hand-holding. It's like he's not capable of trying. He's become so selfish over the past couple of years and our sex life is practically non-existent. His selfishness has of course spread into every other area of our lives too. All he cares about is his job and I'm just an afterthought most of the time - like, oh yeah I'd better tend to her, pacify her a little bit. Recently he said he just wanted sex to be all about him - tried that, no change. Now he says he's just not interested in sex anymore. One time in the past 4 months we've had sex and that was just a drunken fuck after being out with the guys. He has trouble staying hard. The past few times we've had sex in the last couple of years, it's just been so he could get off and go to sleep - very little concern for my pleasure. He used to not be able to keep his hands off of me, but as soon as we got married it stopped and has just gotten worse over the past three years. I feel so lonely, rejected, disgusting, - just a big fat loser and it's killing me. Is it too much to ask to be adored by the man you love? I'd do anything to be loved in return the way I love him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2009): This is as if someone else is writing my story.
In my case, I know he absorbs pornography by the hours when I am not around. Just as in the above example, at first, our sexual thirst for one another was unabated. Now there is nothing. Also similar, if I say anything, he says I am over-sexed, or that he is just not "working right," which I know isn't true. He has taken to going to bed before I do, or taking a sleeping aid and reminding me he wants to sleep. Talking about it makes him defensive. Angry. I have considered taking a lover, but just wish I had an understanding of what is in his head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I am in a similar situation. Have you gotten any other answers to your questions? I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me, but I don't know how to take his disinterest in making love to me. He does want to have sex a couple of times a week, but he just gets on, does his thing, and gets off. He doesn't make advances toward me, really look at me, seem interested in romance or foreplay. He doesn't really ever make love to me. He just goes somewhere else in his mind while we have intercourse. It troubles and hurts me more than I can describe.
He also becomes very self-defensive when I try to talk to him about it. I am much more sensually oriented than he is. He actually has a foot fetish and my feet seem to be the only things he looks at or takes any interest in. I don't mind his fetish, I just want him to want me - all of me. I would like some foreplay, but mostly I want him to acually make love to me, not go into his fantasy world or where ever he goes to please himself. I want him to care about what pleases me, too, but he just doesn't want to put any effort into our love life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Hi
Go get it somewhere else...if you don't do it for him...remind your self that you do it for others.
Never loose your womanly ways....go get em girl
good luck..
P.S no deceit BE HONEST WITH HIM..
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A
female
reader, hisangel5 +, writes (16 March 2009):
hisangel5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to ddddddd:I tried talking to my husband like you suggested and I'm afraid that it didn't help at all. I told him that I felt like he wasn't attracted to me, that I felt like a hole in the dark, and that his constant rejection of my advances was making me feel inadequate. His response was to laugh and say that he loves me and I was silly to feel that way and then he changed the subject. When I brought it up again later, he just got angry and stormed out.I don't know what to do. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't even come to bed with me anymore. And when he does, he takes sleeping pills so he is totally unconscious. I thought maybe I was putting too much pressure on him, just like you suggested, so I didn't make any kind of advance or hint at anything for three months once. I didn't touch him other than to give him the quick hugs and kisses that he gives every day. I didn't say anything that could be construed as sexual in any way. I acted like a nun for three months. At the end of that three months, I got another blind poke in the dark.For a while, I felt like I was going to have to learn to be happy with what I got. But I know that I deserve better. Now I just need to decide if I stay or go.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (14 March 2009):
You tell him and make him listen just how bad he is making you feel - and then hope that it serves as a wake up call to sort out whatever the problem is.Only he can probably tell you what the problem is. Maybe he doesn't even know himself but if that's the case he should go see a doctor and/or a therapist.If he loves you so much and this is making you feel so poorly then he should care enough to at least try and sort it out, or work towards some sort of resolution.Perhaps there is a real issue somewhere amid all of this, something that he is embarassed about, or doesn't understand or doesn't want you to know about.The "too sexually orientated" bit makes me think maybe he could be not into sex as much as you and feels pressured or overwhelmed by your sexual interest.
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