A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 and a half years, and we have lived together for 2.He is an incredibly kind guy, he always means well, and is all around just a nice guy. However he definitely has his wish to work on, as we all do. He keeps telling me he's going to work on it, two years later and no change. Yet whenever he asks me to work on something he only has to ask once and it's done. I know he does intent to grow and a person, but he has no follow through and no real desire to change and evolve. He just isn't a teammate when it comes to the big life things, he never contributes to the decisions and it falls on me.I just feel so lost. I do love him, but I'm at a point where it just doesn't feel like enough. I'm well aware that I can't change anyone, and I don't want to- but I want him to want to be a better him for him. Whether his weight, defensive habits, or lack of passion for anything. I encourage and cheerlead but he just doesn't have the umph- which is totally fine it's his life, but I'm just not sure if I can have the same fights and conversations over and over anymore.He also owes me money from when he was laid off and he isn't hustling or busting his butt to pay me back or build his financial security... and I work 2 jobs and am trying to open my own business. It's just that we are now two different people, and we both want to make it work, but I can't do it alone and I'm tired.... and I'm afraid staying would be setteling because it's comfortable and he's my best friend, and he really is a nice guy, but that's all he is. He knows I haven't been happy and keeps saying he's making the changes and when I kindly ask for examples because maybe I'm stuck in my own world and can't see them and want to recognize them he can't come up with anything. So he knows the end may be coming, I'm very transparent about things. We also aren't having sex much, and when we do it's not great for me... so that is just another layer on top of it.... I just feel so stuck.I could just use some advice on where do I go from here, advice on maybe things I'm not seeing or considering, and advice on how to get myself to a place to know what it is that I really need so I can make a decision from there.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 May 2017):
 Break up. This relationship isnt it for you, and thats perfectly fine. You shouldnt be in a relationship just because he is a nice guy... You need more, and you need someone else. You need someone who already is the best version of themselves, and who wants to do more for you and the relationship without being asked. This relationship has run its course. Find someone who you love just the way they are, no "fixer upper" project.
A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (12 May 2017):
 you say you had a payment plan set up and he was paying but has stopped...do you have a written contract or is it just verbal? if its a contract you can take him to court. if it is just verbal, imo you need to bring it up again and get him to sign some kind of contract. if he refuses you just might be out what you leant him.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 May 2017):
 Its not working its as simple as that. Yes you love him and he probably loves you but that is simply not enough to make a relationship work. You cannot change him and he is not willing to change himself. He may say he is but it is not being backed up with actions. He is not the man you are looking for and their is no point playing this out any longer. I think it is time you made a decision that you can either live with him and the way he is or else you move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI whole heartedly appreciate the advice and responses I have received.Just to clarify a few things:1) No one is withholding sex, it's just not happening. 2) There was a payment plan in place when money was lent and there have been multiple conversations about repayment and the expectations. He just always has some reason why he can't pay me.3) I don't actually nag. The only things I push on are the things he has asked me to hold him accountable to. So when I hold him accountable and he hasn't worked toward it, he gets upset.4) We have had many conversations around this topic but nothing ever comes of it- it just stays an open ended item.5) I don't need him to be what I want him to be, I want him to be him. I want him to spend time with his friends, do things he likes, and be working towards something, anything! Instead of just fumbling around and not learning from his mistakes.Thank you again for your comments and thoughts!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2017):
 I think the relationship is already over (from your side) but you are holding on because 1. it's familiar, 2. he is a good guy (just not a good match for you), 3. you still CARE (just not love) for him and 4. you feel responsible for taking care of him AND get your money back.
So NOW you need to be practical. You need to make plans for the "end of this relationship"
Since you are living together, you need to consider the logistics.
1. Who's name is on the lease? Did HE move in with you, you move in with him or did the two of you rent a place together?
2. WHO can afford still living there, alone? Would it be easier to find a roommate or a roommate situation instead?
3. Is it month by month rent or a longer lease? If the latter when does it end?
4. are you sharing bills or each other's bank account info? If so, they need to be separated and changed. Same for all passwords.
5. make a budget, see what YOU can afford ON YOUR own.
6. sit him down and make a payment plan for him paying back what you have loaned him - MAKE sure it's signed (though you might STILL lose the money).
7. IF you intend on staying in the place you are renting - give him 3 weeks to pack and move out. After all, is said and done, don't OFFER friendship - it won't help either of you moving on.
You KNOW he isn't going to change or BE the man you want. This is who he is. Or who he WANTS to be for now. When he wants to improve then hopefully he will get off his ass and do so, but for now? I don't think he really feels a need to change. After all, you have not left yet... So even the notion of you leaving isn't something he takes seriously. Which kind of goes with his general idea of life.
It seems like you two have grown apart. You have matured faster and "more" than he has and that will NOT change.
I'm sorry, there is no magic wand to wave over a decent guy to make him what YOU want him to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2017): I think you're tiptoeing around him without being direct about the money he owes you. You've become disenchanted by his perceived lack of ambition; but never compare your level of ambition to that of others. Some people are content with a frugal and uncomplicated life. It shouldn't have taken you two years to figure that out about him.
If you're coaxing him to be ambitious and you've gotten nowhere; your bad for not seeing it sooner!
He creates ambitious plans and tells you what you want to hear; because you keep chatting him up about your plans for the future. Therefore, he must keep-up and follow suit?
No, he doesn't.
If you've outgrown him; then have the nuggets to accept that, and move on. Rather than wait until you get entirely pissed-off and frustrated, to tell him what a loser and slacker he is. You'd have no right to. Nobody is twisting your arm to stay with him. It's your own choice. You're not cheer-leading as you call it. It's nagging, if he isn't receptive to it. Don't let a man hold you back! Just proceed forward with your plans and accept his support.
He doesn't have to go along for the ride, if you feel he can't keep-up. If he's dead weight, you have to unload him, sweetheart. It's a tough decision, I know.
Well, be direct and ask him to pay you back. Establish a repayment-plan; as you should have before giving him the money. He may assume it was only a gift, if you've never told him that it was a loan. If he signed no agreement or promissory note to repay the loan; good luck trying to get your money back.
Necessity often dictates, and logic overrules impracticality. You want to move forward, but you have to drag him along in the process. I think things have already come to a head; and you don't want to hurt his feelings.
He's a nice-guy, but he isn't a baby. Treat him like an adult. He's a grown-man.
You're doing the wrong thing by withholding sex, and playing games. Get to the point. You're supposed to be so strong and ambitious. Well, here's your test. What are you going to do when you have a business and people owe you money? How are you going to deal with employees, if you can't be direct and express what you want from them? Beating around the bush and doing things without a logical explanation makes you look like a dipstick.
It's time for the talk. Plan your exit-strategy. Where are you going to live? Do you have money in reserve to cover bills on your own? Get your head in it. Don't flip-flop or decide two-weeks after breaking-up, you want him back.
If you let him go, stand by it. It's going to hurt bad; but holding him hostage to avoid bad-feelings or fearing loneliness isn't fair to either of you. He may lack the ambitions you want in a guy; but he is entitled to be with someone who accepts him for who he is. Not trying to make him into what she wants him to be.
If you're going to be a business-woman, you'll have to have a backbone. Practice being decisive, and able to stick to your decisions. You'll have to be able to put your plans and goals into motion, and I guess here is where you start.
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