A
male
age
41-50,
*ulldog77
writes:Dear Cupid,I wrote a few days ago, and I asked about my wife and me. Thanks to everyone for all the advice but I have a continuing concern. My wife and I are trying to patch up our marriage but she continues to talk to the young man she had an affair with and said they are just "friends" and that she feels trapped to make her decision. I feel that she has relationship problems and that she sees her family members doing the same thing and she feels thar it makes it OK. I just want to know am I a fool for caring so much for her or should I let her move on and not worry about me and her four children.
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affair, move on, trapped Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anynomous  +, writes (25 November 2010):
move on with your life.. she isn't ready to let the other man go.. she is in love with him.but she is only doing what u allow her to do.
A
female
reader, anynomous +, writes (25 November 2010):
move on with your life.. she isn't ready to let the other man go.. she is in love with him.but she is only doing what u allow her to do.
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A
female
reader, knjfb +, writes (25 November 2010):
HI. I can relate to this problem as my husband is doing the same thing your wife is. He got caught in an affair almost 8 months ago and is still seeing the other woman. He actually lives with her, but says he still loves me. I don't feel my husband will stop seeing this woman, as your wife may never stop seeing or talking to that man. It is guilt they feel towards us, and I feel they do love us due to the length of time we've been together. And they don't want to let go of a long term marriage, but have feelings for the new person. You have to do what is right for yourself, I know it is very difficult.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): She wont stop contact because she knows you take her shit. I think you should accept you have recently found out that your wife is not what you believed she was. I dont think she will stop,she's too wrapped up in herself to even care how hurt you are. She is takin the piss and if she got with that man history will repeat an so will her excuses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): She's not trying to patch up the relationship. He's still in the picture. That's not trying to patch up the relationship, that's keeping him as a back up.
You're not a fool for caring and trying but you are a fool to continue to let this go on. It's a very easy decision to make, the fact she won't make it means she's not actually committed to fixing your marriage.
How do you repair something that's damaged? You know how right?
First Identify the problem.
Second remove the problem.
Third you set up the conditions necessary for that problem not to return.
Now she's done step 1, but she's not willing to follow through. She's not willing to get rid of the problem, she still wants him in her life, so how the hell are you supposed to move on to step 3 and start rebuilding your marriage.
Your marriage is over, you just don't see that yet.
There really is nothing you can do, she should have never done it in the first place, but okay mistakes can be forgiven but what she's doing now is not a mistake. It's all out in the open now and she's choosing to have him as part of her life rather than patch things up with you. Now if you make threats or demands it's a waste of time because they might work but still the fact that she didn't do this of her own volition means she doesn't actually want to be in this marriage anymore just that she ceded to your demands.
This means she'll just end up doing it again.
I bet even now when she talks to him she tells him she loves him, what she means by trapped is that she wants to leave but can't because she has responsibilities to you and her kids because frankly my friend if she was truly sorry, remorseful and loved you, there would be no need for to make any decisions. She'd be grovelling and begging forgiveness as we speak.
Look you have to do something about this yourself, or you're just going to be waiting around like a fool for her to make her mind up. All the while fighting to save your marriage with a woman who doesn't care about your feelings at all.
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A
male
reader, bulldog77 +, writes (24 November 2010):
bulldog77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been together for 14 years and we have four kids together and we have been married for 7 years.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 November 2010):
You're not a fool for caring. She's the fool. She's messing up a marriage for no reason. You took on her and her four kids, and this is the thanks.
The fact is, you can't be in this marriage if she is speaking to that man. If she still speaks to him, it means there is still something there that she refuses to let go, and it means there is a high chance she will cheat again, or is still cheating.
She cuts contact, or you walk. Simple as that. Don't wait around.
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