A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. His best friend is a girl. They have been friends since they were 13 and now are 27. They have hooked up a few times during their friendship, even cheating on one of his girlfriends which he broke up with afterward. The last time they hooked up was when they were 20 so it has been some time. My relationship with my boyfriend is absolutely amazing. I have told him that I feel insecure about his relationship with his best friend and he says that is all it is a friendship and if there was something there it would have happened already. I believe that he has no feelings for her that he knows of but I am nervous that maybe he just isn't aware of them yet and later on he might leave me for her. Even though I like her I don't really trust her. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage, something which neither of us ever discussed in other relationships but then I asked him if he loved me more than her and he couldn't answer. He said that a love in a friendship can't be compared to a partners' love. The help I am looking for is either a) I am completely over sensitive and need to get over it so how do I do that? or b) My feelings are legitimate so what do I do about the situation?Thanks for any comments good or bad. I need them because I feel as though I am going insane with my insecurity.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 October 2009):
If you're not the most important person in his life, then this guy is not the guy for you. The truth is, he's in love with her. You'd be far better moving on before this gets worse. Don't allow yourself to be second, because you're supposed to be the most important person in his life.
A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Hi there, hope you're ok. In my opinion they are not friends, they are ex lovers. Friends don't have sex with each other, end of story.I've had a very close male friend in my life for 25 years now, and he's had a girlfriend for 20 of those. In all that time its never even crossed my mind to have sex with him. It would be like having sex with my brother or something.If i were in your shoes i'd be insecure and wary too.The fact that he can't answer your question on whether he loves you more than this girl would be a huge red flag.If you are not number one in his life, think very carefully about your future with him, if you don't want a life of constant insecurity and misery.good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 October 2009):
Well it seems that he is willing to marry you but you know where you stand, you are always going to be her equal, and not his number 1.
So it's really not about justifying your behaviour or changing things.
This is the situation, and it's going to stay this way.
If you are content then go ahead and marry him, if you want a guy who loves you more than any other, then walk away before you get hurt.
Personally I'd hand back the ring and tell him that if he can't even tell you now who he loves more then there is no point standing up in a church and taking a vow to love you more than others and forsaking all others. He clearly won't mean it.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): I have been going through a very similar thing with my fiance. He has a female friend who he has known for about 15 years and they are very close. I also know the woman but am wary and not too keen. As soon as it was revealed we were going to marry she increased the frequency of her calls and then developed dramas which she expected him to help her out with, I remonstrated with him telling him politely and then very tearfully on a number of occasions that I don't like it, it is too close, I don't trust her etc etc but he won't give her up. He says they are friends pure and simple and if something had been going to happen it would have happened a long time ago. I do not have male friends like this.
I do think you should be very wary if he can't tell you he loves you more than his best friend - however different the kind of love is. I have been living with this for about 2 years now and I can't take anymore. With me either he cuts contact with her or I walk. I don't want it to go this far with you so I suggest you say to him that the closeness of the relationship - however innocent, is upsetting you and unsettling you and that you would be grateful if he explains to her that it is upsetting you and why and that it must stop. Let me tell you if the best friend was in this position she wouldn't like it either. No woman would like it. I think it is wise to make a point early on because it is clear that this lady is not going to go away. You will need to be a very strong person to cope with this if you are prepared to let it continue. I got to the point that all I could think about was have you spoken to ? today / this week and it drove me nuts. I think it needs dealing with very soon. All the best,
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): Anytime you ask that question: Do you love me more than this or that person... you are likely to be disappointed with the answer. The question is born of insecurity not of any desire for truth.
How can a friend, even a friend you slept with, be compared to a lover?
Of course, your fears are legitimate. But if you don't trust your man how will you have a relationship? You say you have an amazing time with him. You are great together so let that be.
You only know he slept with her cause he told you. If her being in his life a dealbreaker for you, then leave... no one can tell about anyone else's relationship as to where it is headed. But if you do stay in a relationship with him work on what you have instead of worrying about other people.
That said you need make your time with him special, and not let any one intrude on that. Have clear boundaries about sleepovers and dates.
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (11 October 2009):
 You know, people don't really need to be with anyone. They choose to be with someone who makes them feel good, who loves them, who makes them feel special and can give them a feeling that no one else can. Your boyfriend feels that with you, and he feels it with you so much every day that he wants to make it official.
I think that you should concentrate on that, and not so much on measuring one love against another.
Enjoy today and each subsequent day for what you have.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, ellie:) +, writes (11 October 2009):
 They have been best friends for a really really long time, 13 to 27, you do the math....I think he does have feelings for her but it is more like a sister brother love than a girlfriend boyfriend love. However, I could be wrong.Just think of her as his sister. Sometimes that helps.I have a guy bestfriend and I would die for him. He is the best but my ex never liked the fact that I went to his house and stuff like that. I got mad and dumped him. Don't be like that. Be supportive and trust him. If you guys are thinking about marriage you need trust, so show him that you trust him. GOOD LUCK :) [Note edited by moderator to remove text speak and correct grammar to make it readable.]
...............................
|
