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female
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anonymous
writes: I am good friends with this guy and I think we could become boyfriend and girlfriend. We have told each other that we really like each other and he has told me that he is interested in me being his girlfriend but he needs time to get over a long term relationship that recently ended.Anyway, there are a few things that are niggling at me and I have to say we are as bad as each other. I see him about 3/4 evenings a week, although when he leaves, he rarely makes concrete arrangements when he is next going to see me - he says he’ll see me at some point. I’d love the security of knowing when I am going to see him again instead of thinking ‘am I going to see him tomorrow or the next day or the next day or......’. He did say to me once when I looked surprised to see him ‘well you didn’t expect me to stay away forever did you?’ It had only been 2 nights since I had seen him.In his defence, he does shift work and he also has another project he is working on so he tends to see me on the spur of the moment and turn up on my doorstep at all hours (This is partly my fault as I told him to come over whenever he likes and he does!) He usually messages me on the day to say he is coming over but rarely commits to a time.He said ages ago that his next girlfriend would have to realise that it could be up to 5 days when she would next see him again and looking back he has always seen me again by the 3rd night, if not more often, it’s just at the time I don’t know when I am going to see him again. We are friends so he doesn’t need to commit to a time to seeing me again but I guess in the back of my mind I am thinking that if he sees me as his next girlfriend he would commit to a time. I feel insecure not knowing when I am going to see him again and I don’t know why because even though he doesn’t make concrete arrangements he has always come over to see me within a few days.He doesn’t enjoy using the phone so I tend not to phone him unless it is an exchange of information. Text messaging bothers me too because when I send him a text it will be a day before I hear from him whereas when he sends me one, he expects a reply within minutes, which is what I would like from him. For example, I sent him a text asking where he was because he told me he was lost trying to find the place I was staying at. He didn’t send a reply, then turned up 8 hours later with no explanation!!! Basically, there is hardly any communication between seeing each other. I don’t want much; just concrete times so I can prepare for it and a few calls/texts to say he’s thinking of me.He has said that the last thing he wants to do is upset or annoy me, and that I mustn’t take things he does wrong personally eg. for example he can be disorganised/forgetful - he has forgotten family plans/dates before. I realise these characteristics are part of who he is.Mum says if it niggles me now, it’ll get far worse if I get involved but I need to realise that no relationship is going to be perfect which is what I’ve wrongly aimed for in the past. In the past, I have baled out whenever the going gets tough and I don’t want to do that anymore.I don’t want to put any pressure on him in case it freaks him out so I wonder if I ought to use a positive line and say I love it when you send me texts/phone me/etc. Please do not advise getting rid of him because although I have painted him in a negative light he has many wonderful qualities. I need a way of reconciling our different ways of communicating if I am to be happy getting into a relationship with him.
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female
reader, Sexybum  +, writes (4 August 2006):
 Oh love
I want to keep this short and simple but I'm not very good at that...
You already know the short and simple answer... If is makes you insecure now, just imaging the future......
Only it's not as simple as that is it because you got digs on this guy..... and it makes me a bit angry because reckon he knows it. And what he's doing is making the bed before he lyes in it. As in.... He's setting his boundaries with you whether you like them or not. And he's drawing you in to accept behaviour that you wouldn't usually accept in a relationship.
Now you're thinking that if you just chilled out and accepted this behaviour then you might have a successful relationship. After all you've been sticking to your boundaries so far and that hasn't got you anywhere!!
The reason it makes me mad is because you are SOOOO right to have your doubts. And if your gut feeling tells you this isn't right then that's because it isn't right! He will not commit to times when you are in a relationship instead he will just say... " Honey I told you how it was before we got together...."
May many many people have given me advice when I was head over heals about a man. and I didn't listen to them, chances are I still wouldn't.... But I beg you at least listen to yourself. Re-read what you wrote. 'I sent a text with the address and he didn't turn up until 8 huors later!' Would you put up with that from yuor man, or phrhaps a better question is would you be happy being treated like that.
This man is better of being an attractive friend. HE IS NOT THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS. don't even go there love.
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