A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and me have been married for 2 months now. Everything is great but we never had sex in our relationship. She's a virgin but im not. When we were dating she didn't want to do anything sexual besides kissing until marriage. It didn't bother me that much. I thought we going have sex on our wedding night but she chickened out before I was in her. I have tried to got her make love with me a few times but she doesn't want to cause she want the pain. I haven't had sex in 5 years and im going insane. Any ideas?
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kissing, wedding, wedding night Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (30 June 2009):
Another thread to study is "We're Christians, my wife doesn't dislike sex, but she doesn't like it, we have sex very seldom, how can I fix this, what am I supposed to do?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/were-christians-my-wife-doesnt-dislike-sex-but.html ]
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (30 June 2009):
You may find some helpful suggestions in the thread "We've been married for 18 months and she's still a virgin! What can I do?" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/weve-been-married-for-18-months-and-shes.html ].
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 Well this sounds like a classic case of fear of sexual pain. Your wife has probably heard horror stories about broken hymen, vaginal bleeding, childbirth, ovarian cysts, or whatever, and her fear has now manifested itself into her own personal nightmare. It sounds like she may have never been fully aroused, and doesn't reach a state of arousal through kissing alone.I guess before marriage she never allowed you to use your fingers, or your tongue? So she doesn't know what she might be missing. I would give yourself three weeks of concentrated effort on her in such a way that she has a small measure of sexual action, without feeling that you are trying to pressure her into intercourse. So I am no expert, but I used common sense on a 29 year old Irish virgin many years ago. She wanted children desperately, but due to a strict religious upbringing and fear of her own body, she was terrified of having sex.In week one I took her out a almost every night, had nice relaxed evenings, and always ended kissing and cuddling and stroking. I made it clear that I did not want to have sex. After only a few days, she was pretty relaxed with me. During week two, I progressed to stroking her breasts and playing with her pubic hair for an hour. Nothing major. But after maybe two days she was actually trying to manoeuvre herself so that my hand went further down. Signs of arousal at last. In the middle of week three, she let my fingers find how wet she was, and I played with her clitoris. Bingo. The final push is to listen to her breathing, and watch her hips while you play with her clitoris. You can tell when women come close to orgasm. OK, so I was a little mean, as I stopped whenever she got close, but by the last two days of week three, she was almost tearing my clothes off after we'd been out. Not just because she knew she would get aroused, but also because by the end of week three, women know their periods are due, and want to get some action!It may take two weeks, it may take ten and cost you a few dollars in meals, but if you love her, try to become the man who sexually arouses her. You have to do it without pressurising her. If you fail, then I think that her fears go way deeper, then I would consult a professional.
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A
male
reader, JSBach +, writes (25 June 2009):
Like Old Guy said, you are in urgent need of counselling. The problem isn't going to sort itself out. She might be resistant to the idea of counselling, but you have to explain to her that sex is vital in the relationship, and without it there can be no future for you, and that's why you have to talk to a professional. It really is a deal breaker, and however much you love her now, you will end up hating her if you can't sort it out. In many countries you aren't even really married until the marriage has been consumated (although I believe that in Australia non-consumation does not constitute grounds for nullity any more). Telling her that you have to have sex, or the marriage is finished sounds really brutal, but telling her that you have to go to counselling together sounds a lot more reasonable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009): Were you married in a religious ceremony? And did you have counselling before you were married? The priest who married my wife and me made it clear that sex was part of the bargain.
If your marriage wasn't a religious one, then you need some other form of counselling.
Does she have other issues? Is there sexual abuse in her past? Did you know that you were signing up for this?
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