A
female
age
51-59,
*olfer41
writes:Hi Everyone,Please help. I have been married for over 10 yrs. My best friend has been married for 19 yrs. We have just discovered that we are in love with each other. We both have children and spouses who neglect us. We have not slept together or crossed any lines. We are truly in love. What do we do? I don't want to lose my children and he doesn't want to lose his daughter, but we want each other as part of our lives 24/7. What do we do?
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female
reader, bemused  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 Hi hun. I just read the other responses here and there is sage and measured intelligence in what they are trying to tell you. This is one of the oldest predicaments in the world. I wonder if there were statistics which could tell what percentage of people in your situation crash and burn and what percentage make it. You are feeling anxiety here because you know this is a gamble and you know the stakes are high..both for you and the other person and for the other people in your lives. You do not give much info here about your respective spouses except the fact they 'neglect' you. You are no doubt, both of you neglecting them as well as you fantasize about each other. I guess the question that all of us can only surmise at is if there is anything left in your respective marriages to save. Remember that the man you are living with has contended with the realities of daily living with you. This other guy is still clothed in a romantic fantasy. You do not know yet if he will put the toilet seat down or remember to put the top back on the toothpaste. However, as you say you may have run out of steam and it might be best if you moved on. Accept the fact that if you do separate one or both of you may want to go back. If you are bound and determined to proceed with this tell your respective spouses soon so they will not be the last to know. As for your kids..they can be resilent and it is not to their best advantage to be living in an unhappy home. Hope this helps hun and good luck.
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (4 May 2008):
 You have crossed a line. There is a lot of space to cover between being friends and finding out you love each other. That does not just happen. You have to cultivate the situation for some amount of time before you come to that conclusion. This means that at some point you and your lover were in a situation that married people should not be in.
As long as you continue to sneak around and pump up this relationship your marriages can not be saved. As long as you sit around and discuss how rotten your spouses are, the more you can cry on each others shoulders, justifying your cheating. If you don't want to be married, you should perhaps leave the kids with your husband and go live with your lover. Allow the kids to remain in their home while the two of you discover yourselves. If it works out in the end, so be it. Remember though, you will be known as the cheater.
It's always better to try and deal with things before they get out of hand. You must be honest with yourself about everything. Try talking to a counselor.
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A
female
reader, hoplesslydevoted +, writes (4 May 2008):
 You wont lose your children unless you are some sort of a threat to them and their well being, which I'm guessing you are not. Therefore, seek legal advice on seperating and go from there. You only get one life, make this your best one!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 May 2008):
 This is very difficult. Have you heard that expression, "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs"?
You would need to have two divorces, and then live together. You would need to think of how the children would be affected. And then you would need to live together and see whether you could really make it.
It seems that both marriages are over, though. Each one of you should consider what to do, regardless of what the other does.
Wish you the best
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