A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a married bisexual woman to another bisexual man. Recently, we spent some time with a girlfriend of mine (non-sexual girlfriend); we have a few drinks, and then next thing I know, we are playing strip poker and her and I are making out. The three of us have sex (oral, no penetration). Honestly, it was great. It was my first time being with a woman, and I enjoyed having my husband there. This prompted a conversation over the next few days about us acting upon our bisexuality. It was determined that if we felt an attraction to people of the opposite sex, it was okay to try and pursue a relationship with that person.So. Yesterday, my husband left to get gas for the car, and was gone a long time because of a parade blocking our apartment complex. And when he gets home nearly two hours later, he tells me he had sex with a gay friend of his. I immediately felt like he cheated on me because I had the understanding that we were going to introduce our additional partner into our marriage rather than pursue individualized relationships. And I am trying to 'get over it' because I knew that eventually they would have sex (and I was okay with that), but the **circumstances** around it (namely me not knowing it was going to happen ahead of time and a number of other factors) make me feel really uncomfortable it and I am beginning to rethink us acting on our bisexuality.I am not even really sure what my question is. I would just like a few thoughts on this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Dear anonymous,
I am happy to have helped. Feel free to private email me on the site if you want to chat more about it!
deejuliet
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 Well you've already discovered the problems of an open relationship. That didn't take long did it? Yo said you discussed your bisexuality over the next few days and decided it was OK to pursue other people. He did just that.
It sounds like he was already doing this in his life and just wanted you to give him the green light. You discovered something new when you were with the woman. For you it was soething special. He's a guy, it was just another sexual act. Why does it bother you that you weren't there?
This is a difficult way to live. Be prepared.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to add that I am not upset that my husband had sex with his friend. What I am upset about is that I did not know that's what he was planning to do. And that is the part where I am having the difficulty.
deejuliet, Thank you for putting to words how I feel. I feel better equipped to talk to my husband about this. We have a very open line of communication, and I know we can work through this. And I know I need to tell him that I see what he did as cheating because I did not have knowledge or give approval for what he planned to do. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 July 2007):
He took advantage of you, and in my opinion, cheated. You had set boundries on to how this was to be handled and he imdiatly went out and crossed those boundries and now is trying to claim that it was all ok because you said you were open to finding others. There is a word for what you were attempting to create. What, I think, you had in mind and what you had discussed was having a polyamorous relationship. This is when you are open to having other 'loves' in your life. But this is done with full consent, knowledge and approval of all partners. You wanted to get to know someone, integrate them into your lives and THEN have sex with someone you both cared about. It does NOT mean that one party has the right to pursue other relationships against one parties will or behind their back. Right? What he then did is called swinging. Having sex for sexs sake regardless of relationship. They are not the same thing and he really shouldnt pretend they are.
You need to have another very honest discussion with your husband and figure out what the two of you really want. You need to get on the same page and keep the lines of communication VERY open. Do you want to swing? Be poly? Be loyal only to each other? The safest and healthiest thing is to be monogomous, but that doesnt mean that you cant be very happy with another choice. It is a much harder road to follow, but there are sucess stories. Your first priority should always be each other and the union you have together.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): The fantasy seldom matches the reality. You're either faithful to each other or you're not, whether or not the other one is present.
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