A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and half. We have had a rocky relationship but lately things have been going well. The other day he suggested that we 'take a break'. He said he needs his freedom because our relationship is like a marriage. We agreed to see other people but only make out with them, nothing more and we are still going to hang out as friends. I don't know how I feel about this. I feel he's doing this because he wants freedom but still the security of a girlfriend because we agreed to get back together in a few weeks. I hope he isnt doing this to get with other girls then come back to me once he's done with them. I'm not sure if I want to hook up with any other guys because do I truly love my boyfriend if I do that and does he truly love me? Is he using me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): It is difficult to know what he really wants or needs and ask oldersister made a good point about him possibly having someone already lined up for a fling or look at for a possible relationship. If that is the case then I think that you either have to allow him to do that or tell him that you want to break off your relationship. I believe that forcing him to just stay with you will cause your relationship to go bad anyway. I think that mine would have.
Yes, it has been 1-1/2 years for you and my case was right after we started dating, but if he is not ready to commit then it is still a similar situation. I realize that it takes a very special woman to allow something like my wife not only allowed, but wanted. Another woman on this board has written in the past about a good friend of hers who wanted her boyfriend to do the same thing as my wife did for me. She says that friend of hers now has the best marriage of any one who she knows. I have talked to her about this several times.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I completely agree with hlskitten on one thing. Actually, I agree with everything she said. It is not fair to the other women to just use them for a fling. I was genually open to a long term relationship with the first 2 women who I dated after meeting my wife. I could have split with my first girlfriend for either of them, but decided to break up with them. They knew that I had another girlfriend. I think it is important to be honest with both women in that way. I was out more for a fling with the 3rd woman and so was she. We had fun together and split up with no hard feelings. The first 2 women did start to want me and we talked about my feelings and decided to break up. The 4th and last was a 1 night stand and I discovered that she was looking for a serious relationship and that I had used her. It was not my intention, but it happened and I felt bad about it. That is when I decided to stop dating. My wife (girlfriend at time) actually wanted me to continue, but I realized that I would just be doing it for sex and not to help me decide what I wanted in my next relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I didn't want a commitment right after my divorce from my first wife. It was too soon. I also didn't know what I wanted in a partner. My first girlfriend had been divorced for 3 years and was ready for a commitment when we started dating and she decided that she wanted me. However, she knew from her own experience that I would need time to decide what I wanted. She told me that she wanted me to date others so that I would have the chance to decide what I wanted in a partner and to decide if she were the one for me. I dated 4 other women over the next 2-1/2 years and finally decided that she was the one who I wanted. She still thinks that this was one of the best decisions that she had ever made. We were both 34 years old at the time.
She says that it was a little difficult knowing that I was sleeping with someone else at first, but as long as I indicated to her by my actions that she was still at the top of the list that she was happy.
Staying with someone when a person is not ready or sure what they want is a recipe for an unhappy relationship in the long run.
Oh, by the way, that first girlfriend and I have been married for over 22 years now. We both believe that it was her courage and intelligent insight that made this a good marriage. Not perfect, but a very happy one.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (28 June 2008):
 I guess atleast he's been honest and not just gone right ahead and slept with other people behind your back! But i would feel like you, that if you love someone, you wouldnt WANT to sleep with other people.
If you can see him doing that, then get back together after, then go for it. But it doesn't sound like he's all that ready for commitment yet, and i doubt sleeping with a couple of women in the next few weeks is going to make much difference that quick. Its also a tad tight on other women! They might well think he's something special only to discover he wanted a fling before taking up with you again. Whats that all about :oS
C xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I can understand his need to cool things off, if he feels that this relationship is becoming too seriously to quickly. But this dating and making out with other people, seems dangerous to me. What if somebody falls in love with him or you. What if either one of you falls in love with another partner. I can understand he wants a break, but why should he want to kiss somebody else whilst he's with you. I suggest you have a strong talk with him about where he sees you relationship going. It seems that he is not as committed to this relationship as you, and the fact that he dosen't care about you going out with somebody else should be a big signal that maybe this relationship is over. If he's the same age as you, he should know by now whether he wants to be with you or date other people. Talk to him about his intentions, and if he still wants a break, I suggest for your own well being, you make the break permanent.
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male
reader, Phsyciatrist-to-be +, writes (28 June 2008):
 If he descibes your relationship as "like marriage," and he wants freedom from it, then I would say he's a little afraid of commitment at the moment. There is indeed a possibility that he is using you: and if you think that, talk to him. Ask him what he's up to now that you're "on a break." Maybe tell him how you feel about him, and would he consider getting back together earlier: a few days, maybe, instead of weeks?
It is, of course, entirely up to you; just bear in mind that he may just need to get used to the idea of long-lasting relationships and marriage etc.
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