A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to this guy for two months now and thisnSunday we are suppose to hang out at his apartment, alone, while his roommates are at work. We've hung out before just not THIS alone. And well, clearly I'm nervous as all get out. He is more experienced annd crazy with his sex life and I'm not sure how to tell him I'm not ready to go to that level with him. We haven't really clarified what thisnis...but our group of friends say talking. And I'm not even sure what the term talking means. Please give aby advice you think will fit my situation.
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female
reader, babu3u +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I remember the first time I was alone in my ex-boyfriend's apartment and how nervous I was. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend yet, and i was a virgin. We didn't have sex or anything, not even a kiss, we just good hands and watched movies. At that time we were both 18 and he was no longer a virgin and had a couple of sexual partners. I knew I wasn't ready for sex and he could tell and he respected me. But this doesn't happen all the time. You are putting yourself in a situation you might regret. This guy might respect you or might take advantage of the situation. If you know you can't say no to anything you feel uncomfortable with don't go. Give him an excuse or be honest with him and tell him how you feel. If a guy is not willing to respect you and wait for you, he is not worth it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): "I'm not sure how to tell him I'm not ready to go to that level with him."
Don't worry about that OP, once you're there he'll make you ready. "I respect you, we'll only go as far as you want, I got some wine to help us relax, I only want to hold you"
He'll probably have your knickers off before you even figure out whether it's a good idea or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Say what you want to him, tell him you won't have sex, tell him you're no ready, tell him you'll wear a purple hat, it won't matter.
OP as a guy I never listened to what women had to say when they agreed to come to my love nest.
It's obvious why I invited you, it's obvious what I'm going to try and in my view if they didn't want that then they shouldn't have come over. Your mouth says no but your body is right here in front of me. What do you think I'm going to do, discuss economics? Braid your hair and paint your toenails? Talk about all cute guys the I like?
No, you're there so we can get it on. What you say beforehand is irrelevant because I'll get you to 'lose yourself in the moment' and you can walk out my place with all the regrets you want, not my fault because you knew what I wanted.
Why invite you to my most intimate place if I don't want intimacy?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I am going to be blunt.
If you go to his apartment on Sunday, and no one is there, if you are a virgin by the time you leave you will either NOT be a virgin or close to NOT being a virgin.
DO NOT do this.. your radar is telling you that something is wrong somewhere for good reason.
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A
male
reader, peanut_gallery +, writes (1 May 2013):
You wrote:
"...and I'm not sure how to tell him I'm not ready to go to that level with him."
You just come out and tell him, "I am not ready to go to that level yet."
Ease into this on your own time and comfort level. If he pressures you or makes fun of you etc., then you know your "comfort levels" do not match and move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
 And as I think about this from his perspective, he's lined you up to 'hang out' which means he's going to go for whatever sex acts you are willing to perform.
I'd mess with his head. On Sunday, when you are supposed to be going to his place, message him, "I have a great idea! Meet me here! Wear some athletic gear!" and have arranged bicycles on the local rails to trails with a picnic lunch.
Or something like that.
If he isn't into spending time with you OUTSIDE that empty apartment, well, you will know that he's just after whatever he can con you out of. If he jumps in, and says, 'great idea' and is happy to be with you, however YOU choose, then you'll have some indication he's into you for YOU….
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
You're nervous as all get out because you've been flirting with him. Have the conversations turned sexy, you know, all sexual, "what I'd do to you" and "what I want you to do to me?"
I think your gut is telling you that going to his apartment, when all his roomies are gone, is basically an intro to sex.
What the hell happened to dating?
If you don't want to get sexual with him just yet, make that CRYSTAL CLEAR. You don't know how? You are probably afraid of losing his interest, is my guess. The convos are all about sex, he's got you cornered into coming over to his place and you feel helpless and uncertain because you have allowed him to manipulate you.
Girlfriend, stop it now.
Just stop being a wimp. Put on your big girl panties.
If he's all experienced and crazy with his sex life, do you want to be one of the on-tap sex girls? Because that is what he has lined you up to be, with your tacit consent. You've let yourself be steamrollered, flattened, shut down, shut up. Why?
You want him to like you. You want to be his girlfriend. I know.
So, if you want that, you will have to be willing to risk losing his attention. You have to wait until he asks you out on a proper date.
You deserve to be taken on dates. You deserve to be courted.
Eff all the "talking" crap. That just means laziness. No real interest. Who can cultivate whom.
What do YOU want? Do you want an ambiguous situation where you may have to push him off you and have to say "NO!" when you are alone in his space? I think that sounds like a pretty bad idea.
What do YOU want? Do you want a guy who wants to do more than "hang out"? Well, then, DO NOT SETTLE for less.
It's time you harness your inner goddess/wise woman/your personal STRENGTH and do not put yourself in a situation where you don't know will happen. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
WOMAN UP!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Hi, I think you need to say to him that maybe coming over on Sunday to hang out,is just that, to hang out but please dont assume that we will have sex because you are not ready and besides you dont really know each other yet. He will try it on cos he is making sure that your both alone, so less chance of any interuptions. If you dont feel comfortable in anyway before Sunday, then suggest that you want to go somewhere else. If he is not interested in talking and listening to you. Then Im afraid he is just after you for sex. If you give in then you probably wont hear from him much or he may put you in a friends with benifits catagory.
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