A
female
age
30-35,
*aneBird
writes:Hi,I'm 21 years old and ever since I was 18, I've only had 2 serious relationships. My first relationship was abusive and controlling, my second relationship involved drugs and alcohol. My first abusive boyfriend left me for another girl and got her pregnant, which I am pretty happy about, because he wanted a baby with me and I was only at the age of 18 and I said no. My second relationship, I thought I loved him when in reality, I just didn't want to be alone. My second boyfriend also wanted a baby with me, we tried so many times and failed.. I am actually happy it didn't happen because I was NOT happy with him and I am glad he cheated on me so I could really leave. So, ever since I left my second boyfriend, after 5 months.. I've started talking to this guy who I graduated high school with. He is a really really good guy and I am only 3 months older than him. He has a lot of sisters that he is close with and is a mama's boy. He's an althetic just like me, he doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink, just exactly what I want in a guy because I don't do any of those. We both play the same sports and really enjoy them. Everyone says I should be with him, I mean EVERYONE in my family and his family. So, I started seeing him on April 20th, and it hasn been nothing but really good. He rarely has a girlfriend, or he has never ever been serious with a girl, but slept with a only a few. I really like him, but why don't I want to actually LOVE him? Why do I find it hard to be comfortable with him when he is so easy to talk to? I kind of want to break it off and be just friends but I'm really scared of breaking his heart. He would not understand if I just wanted to be friends and I would not want to be tooo honest about how I don't have those ''feelings'' :( It's sad that I don't, because I know that he really does. Why don't I want someone who actually wants me?? and when I know he would NEVER hurt me! I've been with a lot of douchebags and they all did nothing but hurt me. And with this guy? I know he wouldn't do any of the things that they did to me. So what the hell is wrong with me?? Why don't I want him at all? Because he is the nicest guy around? He is SO nice, like not the kind of person that gets pissed off easily. I've been trying to convince myself to actually like him, like really really like him, but it seems like I only want him as a friend. Maybe I am that kind of girl who doesn't date ''nice guys'' and is only wondering where they are WHEN they are actually RIGHT IN FRONT OF US! I feel so stupid. I guess I am that kind of girl who ''friendzones'' nice guys :( What do I do? He is really handsome and I do want to be attracted to him. I don't know what is wrong with me.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 "I kind of want to break it off and be just friends but I'm really scared of breaking his heart. He would not understand if I just wanted to be friends and I would not want to be tooo honest about how I don't have those ''feelings'' :( It's sad that I don't, because I know that he really does."
Okay. Stop. Just stop trying to be something you are not.
You want to be just friends.
So why are you in a relationship you are not ready for?
You can't break his heart after only 9 days. If you can, then HE'S the one with a big problem. If his heart is broken, his heart is broken. After such a short relationship, if he is devastated, then he has unrealistic expectations.
If he would not understand, that is his issue, not yours. Unless you have created a whole fantasy world about how wonderful you two would be together, have you done that?
I think girls spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to be nice to a guy when they don't really want to date him. You don't have to do that. You aren't responsible for his feelings, or for fulfilling his ideas about how you should be together.
If you don't want to date him, don't date him. You'll save him a lot of pain later on.
Just because you don't want to date this particular boy doesn't mean you are doomed to dating only jerks.
What do you do?
I will tell you that you should not date anyone for at least 5 months. Six would be better. No matter how fabulous they seem. No dating for 5 months.
Check back in after that.
When you do the math, you'll realize that what I've asked of you involves only a small percentage of your time. You've been alive for 252 months. Wait until you are 257 months before you consider dating again.
By that time, you may have got a handle on why you are trying to start a family before you are really ready. Maybe you will have, maybe you won't have. I hope you do, life is too short to be making idiotic plans. :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 May 2013):
Why do you have to love him after only 9 days of dating? That seems a bit harsh, to judge yourself and the relationship based on that.
You're fresh off two pretty screwed up relationships, why are you trying to find "THE ONE"? Why not just enjoy being single for a while? Are you so imbalanced that you have to have a boyfriend?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Most likely, it has less to do with him being nice and much more to do with things on a biological level: pheromones. Most likely, he is not very compatible with you on a genetic/immunological level and this is why you do not feel attracted to him.
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