A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice, though not really relationship advice. My boyfriend and I are going with a group of (his) friends to a costume convention. Think comicon if that helps. This is my first time going to one. We came up with a theme in the beginning of this year of retro sci fi, like 50's movies when they went to space and had robots etc. My boyfriend is the robot, I was supposed to be the little girlfriend or whatever who hung out with the robot. The other friend was the flight crew member. Well 2 more people decided to come, an acquaintance of my boyfriend and his girlfriend. They were added on as other flight crew members. I found out yesterday that the girlfriend of his friend (my boyfriend only met her once, I do not know her) has actually purchased an identical outfit to my own. Even the accessories are the same. I worked for months on this specific look and was supposed to stand out from the rest of them as a specific role, now I feel like I'm competing with the other girl who will be wearing essentially the same damn costume. On top of that she is a busty larger girl and I'm thin and small. She looks like a woman and I look like a girl. I think she will rock a catsuit better than I would and I feel insecure and jealous already. I've shared this with my boyfriend but he doesn't seem to understand my concerns, he said the costume looks great so not to worry. He said she won't look anything like me. She just has the same exact silver catsuit and white accessories, that's all.... I understand this seems stupid or not a real problem, but I'm very upset and angry. I've spent all year looking forward to this and now I feel I'm going to be competing with her. On top of it, it boyfriend makes me feel guilty for caring about it. Like we are all friends and in a group costume so I should be happy and fun, not jealous and bitter. So now I feel down on myself like I'm a terrible person for feeling this way at all. And I'm ruining his experience with the whole thing as well. Am I being awful for feeling so upset and angry by this? How do I stop caring? I hate feeling judged for my feelings
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 A word of caution. Xanax is a benzodiazepine, and as, such, a typical " handle with care " drug, plus it is the most addictive of benzodiazepines, the addiction may kick in just after two weeks of regular uses even at low dosages. So.. keep it for emergencies ( I dont know, ... you are terrorized of travelling by air yet you MUST take a 12 hours flight ...not " I have to wear a silver catsuit" )... I suppose you know that already, but , just in case...plus, xanax too causes wight gain !
I am sure you can talk to your doctor and explore other options and other meds with him... meds for anxiety are somewhat like those for depression, it's a trial-and-error process, there's no one size fits all med, - and anyway it takes a fee weeks to see consistent results.
Moreover, if you don't want to spend the rest of you life drugged up like a character from The Valley of Dolls, there are other tools, other kinds of non -med therapy you could explore- they'd would not eliminate your anxiety, perhaps, but they would teach you how to manage it / control it on your own- which is more empowering, I think.
Plus, perhaps it would be the case to go a bit more to the roots - like, if your anxiety is triggered by being close to busty girls, and since we cannot cancel busty girls from the face of earth, maybe what should change is your perception of yourself as failed / inadequate / lacking as a non busty woman... it's working seriously on self image and self worth ( and your scale of values ) that you'd need, I guess ..
Wow, all this just for going to a comicon ? , you'll say : No no, you can go and have fun, I am sure you will, in fact. I am saying in general, as a general way to adopt a different approach to your problems, and a different perceptions of them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs an update, it turns out my boyfriend did mention what I was doing to his friend. Who then told the girl I was doing silver and white so she did the same. I am not angry at anyone involved, I was and am just worried and insecure. I am handling it better now, just trying to deal basically. When I posted this I had just received the news and was having a panic attack. To tisha- I have been to a few psychologists and psychiatrists. I was on a depression/anxiety medication last month but I didn't like the affect it was having on me, it caused me to sleep a ton and gain weight rapidly and I didn't notice a chance in my mood at all. When I go back to the doctor I plan to ask for xanax for anxiety.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 August 2014):
 When I read your submittal, I couldn't help but imagine how things would be if the bridesmaids and groomsmen (ushers) at a wedding all insisted that they must NOT be attired similarly, or alike......
Good luck...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): You're jealousy and anxiety are making you feel like she must have done it to copy you. You have even got to the point where you don't trust your boyfriend that he didn't tell his friend!
Hun, if you "worked for months on it", they won't look the exact same because yours is homemade. If you just bought it before she did, it's not really surprising someone else (who you don't really know) picked the same outfit - it sounds cool, so why wouldn't she want it?
I agree about changing your accessories and maybe adding some glitter to your hair and changing it from an updo to all down or vice versa :)
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 August 2014):
I've got a feeling that you might have bitten off more than you can chew, for a person with your problems of anxiety and bodu image...
It's not just " a few top models in skimpy outfits "... MOST girls will take a comicon as a venue for " if you got it , flaunt it " - or just " flaunt it anyway "- as, oth ,you are going to do too, in your own way. ( Source : 17 y.o. niece into comicons- and pics all over the Web of course ).
Then again, kudoos to you for being brave and proactive and stretching your comfort zone , regardless of your self image problems. That's the way to overcome self imposed limitations- challenging them. And, like you say, if you don't like it- for once you 'll survive, and the next you won't go back, so it's all under control.
Let's just see if there's any damage control to apply here .. If your problem is that your pic is going to be taken beside a bustier girl, I am afraid there's nothing to do about it, you just have to try and take it not as a beauty contest or a glamour contest ( which is not actually ) , but as the fun kermesse it should be. Congenial, companionable, and tongue in cheek.
If you are mad that she sort of stole your thunder and copied you, could you not just contact her and agree that either one changes accessories, at least ? Like you in white, she in black or silver,- or viceversa ? Or different make ups and hair do ?...That should be feasible, and would make the group and the pics more interesting, ... you would complement each other rather than just mirroring each other - I don't know, like, you paint your whole face silver too ( make sure you do not end up like the Goldfinger girl, with the metallic paint ) and she paints herself in chalk white... You wear silver glitter on your hair, and she wears Martian-green glitter.... something like that. If you can't beat them- join them :).
Don't worry. You'll be a cute,fit, slim,pretty, admired young robotess. After all... are robots even supposed to have tits ?
P.S. : have fun, you don't know how lucky you are ! One of the regrets I have, in the line of " things I won't ever get to do before I die ", is that I'll never have the chance anymore to show up in public dressed up as, say, one of my icons, Xena the Warrior Princess . It's not so much that I'd make a very mature , plump and out of shape Warrior Princess ( I am not shy, I could manage that )... but I can't find anybody who wants to be Gabrielle, lol !.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2014):
 So you haven't spoken with her or interacted in any way? Would it be better for you two to meet up before this convention so one big anxiety trigger could be mediated?
And have you considered getting some help for your anxiety? You don't need to suffer from it, you know, there are steps you can take to learn to deal with it. Maybe this particular anxiety issue is the wake up call telling you to take positive action to help yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not sure if she knows what I am wearing even now. I have never spoken to her. It seems to be a huge coincidence? My boyfriend said she must have found the same research I did. I thought he may have told his friend what I was doing and then it got back to her, but he said he didn't. I have a hard time believing it is a coincidence but I don't know what else to think. I don't know why she would copy me exactly anyway, I would want to do something different if I found out what the other girl was wearing first.
I was never worried about other females there looking better, I am sure there will be some super model girls in skimpy outfits. This I consider to be a direct comparison because she is in the same group and will be with me in group photos. Kind of like a "who wore it best" sort of thing. I have always had an insecurity about looking young or not "womanly", I am just never standing directly beside a bustier woman in the same outfit as myself getting tons of pictures taken. I have always been a small girl and mistaken for a 16 year old at times. I want to feel sexy, not like a girl.
To be honest I cannot answer who I am trying to rock it for. I guess myself. And strangers. Certainly not my boyfriend because he is thrilled by how it looks and I don't feel any better. I am not worried about him being attracted to the girl because she is not his type at all. He does know I have anxiety in general and tend to worry a lot. I have questioned if this is a good event for me to go to, being as some of my anxiety is social and this is a huge event with people in your face taking pictures the entire time. He said he was nervous his first time too and I will be fine once I get used to it. If I am miserable I just won't go back, I should be able to stick it out for the weekend though.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 August 2014):
On the boyfriend/sensitivity front: does he know you have these anxiety issues?
Look, most people on this planet look different than you do. Not better, or worse, just different.
Why has this comparing thing popped up now? I'm wondering if you are worried that your boyfriend has a crush on Ms. Busty Copycat.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 August 2014):
It's interesting that she winds up with the exact same outfit as yours.
If you suffer from anxiety and worry that someone will look "better" than you do, are you really sure you are ready to face this?
I'm not asking to be mean, I asked the question about if you had a sense of humor or not to determine if you could let this go. From your reply, I get the sense that this is very upsetting to you.
Again, how did she find out exactly what you were wearing? Either you shared it or someone else did. (Read: boyfriend)
You are already set up to feel anxiety and upset about this event. How would you have managed your anxiety and fears if you saw someone else in a similar outfit at this?
Who are you trying to "rock" this thing for, anyway? Your boyfriend? Strangers? A friend or friends? Yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): The place will be so full of people so into their own costumes and characters; that you'll blend-in and you will not feel as self-conscious as you think.
You are an adult, and you should handle this like an adult. That is what I am saying. Helpful maybe not to you, but you're not the only one reading these responses, and others may have similar; or the exact same problem. You addressed it first. Others will follow.
If you have anxiety issues, maybe you shouldn't go; if you feel this will effect you in a negative way. It is not a competition, and the purpose of these conventions is to allow people who do are often socially awkward, different, and having self-esteem issues to hide behind their favorite sci-fi characters. It's not "you," you're being someone else!
That is the fun in it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Chi Girl, I feel like you understood my post and did help me feel better. To answer other questions- I purchased a silver catsuit thinking that was 50's sci fi. I researched and found accessories to add to the look and different hair and makeup styles that would fit the theme and what I was going for. She was supposed to wear a flight suit as part of that crew and was made a special helmet, she decided not to and somehow bought the exact same catsuit I will be wearing and also the same accessories. I am not sure how, it is still baffling to me.
To WiseOwlE- Obviously I am insecure, it was mentioned in my post.... I am not sure when is the right time and place to be insecure, since apparently this isn't time. If I could turn my confidence on and off I would do so. I don't want to be insecure and a "killjoy" which is why I posted the question in the first place.... I asked how to not care about this. I said I feel terrible. But being called a whiny high school girl is always helpful.
To Tisha- I do not have time to come up with a new role or costume, the event is in 2 weeks. I do not do this frequently, I have never felt I was competing with a female before so this is new for me. My boyfriend had no idea I was so insecure about my body until now and is being slightly insensitive about it. And I mentioned in my post that this isn't a real problem. If every problem on dearcupid had to be a real world problem then 85% of these posts need to be tossed out. I have a sense of humor, I don't really find this particular situation funny. Though I am trying and hopefully it will be later.
I have always had body image issues. I have anxiety issues. I want to go to this event and have fun and get past it and not to worry if another person looks much better than I do. More than likely I will go and be an anxious mess but I am trying to be positive and have a good time, if nothing else then I don't want to bring my boyfriend down.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): You wanna stand out? You want that edge?
Creativity, BODY ART PAINT...
HOW DARING ARE YOU?
Recruit in secret an artistic friend who could paint you silver.
check sci fi body art
DARE TO BE REMARKABLE....I did an autobiography performance using graffitti body art, to have that 'edge' you gotta be willing to stand on the edge.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 August 2014):
Well, if he's thrown your role under the bus, come up with a new one. Save the outfit you have for Halloween or a costume party or another convention.
You wanted to stand out but this was a group costume, and she bought the same outfit you worked months on? I'm confused. Is this a specific character or is she just copying your look?
If your concern is that she is bustier than you then no matter what she shows up in, she'll have more breast tissue than you do.
You, on the other hand, are slim and small. No large girl can compete with that, there's no way to stuff a bra that will ever make a large girl look small.
This does sound like you simply aren't happy with your body. It also is insensitive of your boyfriend to disregard your concern about this. Unless you do this a lot? Worry about how to "compete" with another woman's appearance?
There is a penis size question on here today which is kind of sad in the same way that this question is kind of sad.
You have what you have. You are in your 20s and presumably healthy. You have the ability to pay for dress up costumes and go play with friends. You are rich beyond measure to someone who wonders where their next meal is coming from or what they can find to act as shoes to protect their feet.
This is what one of my friends calls 'first world problems".... Maybe broadening your perspective or finding the humor in this may help you.
Do you have a sense of humor at all?
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female
reader, millonbitsu  +, writes (14 August 2014):
You put in all the effort so enjoy yourself. This is purely your own insecurities making you feel this way, so think to yourself how good you felt when you first put the outfit together and focus on having a great time with your boyf. Yeah it's a little annoying but nothing worth getting upset or angry over, I mean if anything it's a compliment, she loved your idea and is too boring to come up with her own. No one other than you will notice because like I said it's only your insecurities comparing you to this girl. Confidence is key, rock your costume as you wanted to and people will only notice how great you look.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): It is likely there will be dozens of girls at the event who will duplicate the costume, if it was "purchased."
Costumes are mass produced, and if they are duplicates of a specific movie or comic book character; there will dozens of Batman characters, Star Trek characters, Superman, Cat Woman, Vulcans, Klingons, and the list is endless.
If you planned on being unique, you're going to the wrong convention. There will be people wearing the same outfit, but offering their own unique persona to the character. Geeks and nerds don't really care that much about how sexy you are in your costume; they admire originality, creativity, and authenticity.
Who really cares if the other girl rocks the outfit more than you do? If you don't have self-confidence, it wouldn't have looked that great on you; because you didn't have the right attitude to begin with. Costumes are for FUN!!! You're not a beauty contestant. No one is judging you by looks!!! The place will be filled with misfits!!! The big-busted one is going to feel more out of place, if anyone should.
You're going to ruin the experience acting like a whiny high school girl. Get another costume if you have to,
or wear a padded-bra. Your sulking is undignified, and your body-image issues need to be worked-out at a different time and place. Don't be a killjoy!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 I understand how you feel. It sucks. You wanted to stand out, and now you're just a clone. And worse, you might be looking like the second runner up compared to her.
But guess what? Good news! No one will compare you with her! It's a convention, those things consists of almost only boys, and all they will see is "OMG, there's two real girls here!" They wont compare your outfits. They certainly wont think anyone looks better or worse. They wont care. They will probably be way more concerned about their own costumes.
And, know what? Chances are someone else will also be wearing the same costume once you get there. It's not like you're the only two girls who are coming, there are going to be other girls in nice outfits and they might look stunning compared to you. So good thing no one is comparing!
Not everything is a competition. Stop making this out to be one. Rock your outfit, stop caring about hers. Who cares?!?! Really. No one cares.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2014):
 You don't STOP caring, BUT you focus on ROCKING OYUR outfit and have fun at the convention. I highly doubt you will all stick together the whole time there anyways (except maybe you and your BF).
She is ALLOWED to pick ANY costume she wants and wear it, it's her prerogative.
Now if that outfit is a part of a "matching set" I find it odd she chose that one, unless she REALLY just wants to show herself off.
Being bitter and jealous about it is only going to ruin the trip. So shrug it off.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (14 August 2014):
 You have options; 1.) Don't go 2.) go but go topless 3.) Go and acuse her of copying you.4.) return your outfit for another.
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