A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bestfriend and I have been best friends for 3 years. Recently we've found out we have these new found love feelings does eachother. I have genital herpes. He's known since the day I found out in June. He's my best friend so of course I told him. Saturday night we had unprotected sex for just a minuet before he put on a condom. He called me yesterday morning and told me he has burning down there and was freaking out. He's going to the dr today to find out the verdict. He swears this won't change our friendship but I'm terrified it will. Does anyone have any experience with something similar to this? Or any advice? Please don't be rude. Like I said I he knew I had the virus I didn't give it to him on purpose. This is a very sensitive subject for me. Thanks!
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female
reader, Mistresskiki  +, writes (15 August 2014):
First off, why did you have unprotected penetrative sex (this is to both of you btw)even knowing that you have herpes? Even if you weren't having a breakout it is still risky.Does he have unprotected sex with other people? If so, he could have caught a STD from one of them, and passed something to you, even after a short time.YOU need to get tested for other STDs, just so you know where your own sexual health is at; oh and start using condoms for protection because if you don't, even if you are on other forms of contraception, you are putting your health on the line. They may not prevent all transmission but are a start.If he has caught herpes from you, then it is his responsibility/fault as well as yours. If you have caught anything else from him, that is a different kettle of fish.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 August 2014):
 You are where you are, if the friendship/relationship alters as a result, well, he chose his own path, didn't he?
I would stop panicking about things that haven't happened yet and just be patient and let this unfold.
He know what you have, he proceeded without the condom (why didn't you stop him?) and he is where he put himself.
Relax, things will unfold in time, there's no going back or pressing the cosmic "undo" button. You know him better than most people, right? Maybe you're terrified because you are in unknown territory. You asked the question hoping someone else had navigated such a situation before, I think, so you wouldn't feel alone or adrift. This won't be unknown for long, it will be clarified after the doctor's exam and diagnosis.
I have a close friend who is a big worrier, she will create things to worry about if there is nothing happening to worry about. She's only comfortable when she's in a state of anxiety, lol, Does that sound like you? If so, nothing we can say to you will stop making you worried about it.
Relax, breathe, accept the circumstances and allow things to unfold in their due time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify some things: 1. No I wasn't haveing a breakout or any signs of one. 2. It was his idea to have un protected sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2014): I want to disagree with the statement "Having sex with a person with herpes means you're pretty much going to get it"…my aunt has been married for 10 years, she got herpes from a previous partner but her husband has NOT contracted it. I'm sure they don't have intercourse if she has a breakout, though…did you??
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): OP condoms don't really protect against genital herpes anyway so it doesn't make a whole lot of difference that he went without for a couple of thrusts. But it does mean you too should get tested, you never know what he has.
Condoms only lower the risk by about half. It's a skin to skin transmitted disease, not a fluid based one and you know condoms only cover a tiny part of the skin that would have been in contact.
OP he had sex with a person he knows has the disease, there is no one to blame here, it was a decision he made. If he does have it then it's just a choice he made, that he'll have to live with. OP out of all the STD's herpes isn't all that bad. It's more of a nuisance really, there are no ill effects on fertility or any other health aspect.
Having sex with a person with herpes means you're pretty much going to get it, that's a choice he made so don't feel bad and if it turns out he has it then you can advise him on how to deal with it.
More to the point really is him thinking this won't change your friendship, OP you just had sex with your best friend. That's not what friends do, things will be different now because sex has a tendency to complicate things. He may want more, you may say no, or the other way around it's become a thing now and that's something you must accept. Him contracting herpes would also change things, because it really can be a confidence killer and it's something he will have to be up front about with any potential partner and probably not get too much chances with women who are not also carriers. Which then would mean he maybe sees you as the only properly viable sexual partner, as you're not exactly going to be turned off by the idea.
See what happens, OP, it's possible he doesn't have it. You should do some research on the best possible way of conducting a sexual relationship and not transmit it, while condoms don't really work they do cut the chances down and just know no matter what a person with an STD cannot just caught in the moment and allow a guy go in unprotected. It doesn't matter if they know, OP, you have to protect them as much as possible in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2014): It's probably going to be hard for you no matter what, but try to just be supportive of him. If you have been taking the steps to make sure you are not contagious, then don't worry until he sees his doctor. He might be having psychosomatic symptoms. If it turns out he does have herpes and you were not the one to push for unprotected sex, then he can blame himself. Both of you should know, however, that there is no 100% protection against herpes. Unless he were to cover his testicles (or you, your entire area), even with a condom, herpes is transmittable. It probably will change your friendship. It sounds like a pretty stupid decision--unprotected sex so early with anyone is pretty stupid--but part of me wonders whether he contracted it on purpose. It sounds a little crazy, but maybe he had a subconscious thought that contracting the virus would bind you to him or something. I doubt he was really considering of the reality or likelihood of catching the virus, but it's pretty strange that he would want to have unprotected sex so soon after your diagnosis. Your letter doesn't clarify whether your plan is to become a couple or remain friends with benefits. Maybe the irrational thought for him was that it would bind you to him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 August 2014):
May I ask, why did you have unprotected sex for just a minute? Was this his decision or yours?
If he knew that you had genital herpes and proceeded with unsafe sex then that was his choice. If you forced unsafe sex on him then that's another situation.
Assuming he did the unprotected sex thing with the full knowledge of your diagnosis then what's happening now is just part of the bumpy ride he chose when he did that. He'll have to cope; you can offer the support you might have liked when you were going through your diagnosis.
As you were just diagnosed in June, didn't the doctor go over the steps you needed to take to prevent transmission? Why wouldn't you follow them?
You don't know if he has contracted this virus just yet. Wait until you know his diagnosis before proceeding to freak out.
As for it changing your friendship, didn't going to bed together change that already? I guess his reaction will depend on, well, him. We don't know him. He's your best friend for 3 years, you presumably know him as well as he knows himself. What do you think will happen?
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