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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: How usually do people resolve a long standing conflict in a marriage?What is a healthy way to deal with conflict? what doesn't go away by itself?What else is possible to do, than talk about it?Me and my husband are close to ending it, because he won't negotiate, or go for marriage counseling.Should I just let it go, if he wont move on with his opinion?The problems don't include infidelity. But they are annoying enough to wreck the relationship. Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): In my exp, unless there is no third person involved, all the issues are resolved in a marriage. Some of fights are healthy since that shows expectations. it will surprise you, but it is true that if he stop getting angry at you means you are losing him and he is no more into you. once relationship worsen and partners start moving on, they reduce fights and they do not care for what , how you did or not did. so it is complex game.. you need to be sure on what tuning is needed and how much
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (20 May 2011):
Often, when a relationship has something that needs fixing, one person is resistant to fixing it. Sometimes the fear of overcoming problems overpowers the courage people need to face very confronting issues. Often, it is the man in the relationship.
If you want to work on the marriage, you need to emphasise to your husband that you want to work on it, that you don't want the relationship to end, that you want to make things better for both of you, and that it is something that you want to work at together, but that you are not prepared to do nothing. If he doesn't want to negotiate or go to counselling, ask him what he wants to do to work on the problems you are having. If he has a good suggestion, go with it, if he suggests something that won't work or that is not acceptable to you, then tell him that's not good enough. Explain that you want to stay with him, but that if his ideas don't work and he isn't prepared to talk about it or go to counselling, the relationship will probably end, and tell him that he needs to show you that he is prepared to fight for the relationship, to fix it. Tell him its up to him what he wants to do.
If he isn't prepared to fight for the relationship, the relationship won't work.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): Hello, I'm the OP.
Yes it is true, that writing here, sometimes better, than go to counselor, I had very good experience here. It is a beautiful human collaboration.
Yes there is a bog problem,. he wont negotiate, he thinks I, mean not to understand him but he wont change his mind. I think he also a passive aggressive. It is very hard to make him see, he needs to meet at he middle somewhere.
I'm getting tired, but I dont want to give it up yet.
I m very grateful for any more advise .
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 There are things that can be resolved, things that can't, such as serious health problems, addictions, and personality problems such as being controlling and disrespectful. Does he tell you to let go because he doesn't care about your feelings, couldn't change or does he think it's not that big of a deal, is he in denial?
If he wouldn't go to counselling with you, what you can do is learn the counselling skills yourself. I believe many of the top agony aunts qualify as counsellors. At the end you may find out he's not worth it but least you know what's right or wrong in a relationship. You can also find fun things to do with your husband. Sometimes we can stuck in a rut and all we can focus on is negative stuff. Maybe try to find that lost romance, to remind yourself why you are still together. Some people might tell you to just focus on making yourself happy and stop fixating on your husband's problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): Sometimes the only way to resolve problems is getting a mediator to help people in marraige see things in an unbiased way. People come out to relate and see a whole different way of thinking and realise that the fault does not lie only at one person's door and both can be at fault without realising it. Marriage is not about point scoring and who is hard done by the most. Relate is there to help you find even ground and how to move on and help resolve feelings of hurt and anger and stop apportioning all the blame at each other.If your husband is not willing to find solutions to help save your marraige then maybe it is time you thought of moving on from flogging a dead horse.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (19 May 2011):
The truth is, the only way conflicts can be solved is through negotiation. There's no use in you doing as your husband says, because that will leave you feeling resentful, and you'll wind up divorced anyway.
Unless he steps up and goes to counselling, or at least negotiates, get yourself a good lawyer and end it. This is no way to live.
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