A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year, we've had our ups and downs like any normal relationship but we get on really well, have a lot of fun together and are generally well suited. There is just one problem, our sex life. We've always been good at pleasing each other that has never been a problem. Its the amount of time we do it, I know everyone goes through the honeymoon period sex once a day for a while etc. But a year in I don't think once a week is normal? We have busy schedules but we stay together at least 3 times a week but he is very disinterested. I buy outfits, kiss and massage him and he just isn't bothered he just says not tonight.I know he loves me, we talk about getting married, I get on well with his family and we talk about moving in together. We've even discussed our sex life, I've told him I'm worried that he doesn't find me attractive. He assures me this is not the case and is affectionate in public and introduces me to work collegues etc, so I know he isn't embarrassed of me. He says the lack of sex is because he's just tired because he's recently been promoted and that we have to make more time for each other. But we have and nothing has changed. I don't know what to do, I am not sex mad but like everyone I have needs. Its making me very self conscience and sexually I don't feel attractive. Even though I know (not big headly) there is nothing wrong with me as most of my friend are envious of my body. He is also a type 1 diabetic, so I understand medically that he loses his libido but it is not all the time. Its got to the stage where I am paranoid there is someone else, I know there isn't we share our phones, emails etc. And speak on the phone every night when we aren't together. And I sometimes stay at his house weeks on end. So I'm sure there isn't, but I'm lost. What more can I do? Any Advice?
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libido, period, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): I think the problem here is unmatched sex drives. You have a much higher desire for sex. You are doing all the right things in order to have a fulfilling relationship. You need to talk to him About it and see if there is anything that you can both do to resolve it.I face the same problem with my wife and always has done. I have a high sexual drive and would have sex every day if I could. The trouble is she is happy to plod along not being bothered by it and generally we won't have sex for about 8 week. By that time I'm annoyed and rejected that she's not into me the way I am with her. We have talked and she has promised to try harder to identify my needs but it just slips back to the same old pattern. Try not to let this happen to you as it will cause a divide. It will make you feel like you are not desired. I'm sure it's something you will overcome will some mutual understanding.
A
male
reader, ojii onaze  +, writes (20 May 2011):
 dear Mandy, i am answering your question in the position of a married person. please i do have sex with my wife just once because i am a working class, i will weigh down if i go beyond that, most men do, please don't worry yourself....good luck
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 May 2011):
 he sounds a gem in so many areas except the one area you need. His libido is not matched to your libido. And what is normal sexually for him is not enough to keep up with your libido. The gap will inevitably widen with time. For some people a day without sex would seem like a week without water. For others a month without sex would be welcome.
You need to weigh up all the great things about him versus his , lower level than you, sex drive.
Because you could be having a relationship with man seeking sex three times a day, but who also cannot keep a job, was disresptful, irresponsible etc, etc.
Then you would end up looking back with nostalgia on the guy you allowed to slip through your fingers.
Weigh up everything in your head. I even wonder if some guys channel their sex drive into other spheres, such as workaholics, and so have less energy for intimacy.
And if you do start to question his sex drive he may lose confidence in his sexual prowess and his willingness to engage may plummet even lower.
Because at least you have another avenue available to you. By pleasuring you when he is not there. Women whose man is ill or away have often resorted to this substitute.
But, if, long term, you are not willing to consider masturbation, and you still find that his sex drive does not meet your sexual needs then you have a problem. Your dis-satisfaction with his libido is likely to result in resentment which will derail the relationship.
It is a tough call, because in all other respects you have a stable loving relationship with a responsible caring guy who does love you. And a remedy to
consider. My thoughts are with you.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Hi
Wow you sound like a great couple. I dont understand why you would be concerned of having sex once a week? trust me some people only get it once a fortnight!! you both work hard, and he has said its not you his just very tired so probally just wants to be able to cuddle up to you without the pressure of having sex. When your both relaxed he may well change his mind. Why dont you see if you can arrange a stress free weekend away together with no strings attached, dont even mention the word sex to him, and I bet he will be all over you. Although I appreciate how difficult this may be for you, And I DO understand that us women have our needs too, BUT...is it really the be all and all in a relationship? I would much rather have a man who was loving and caring, and supportive of me every day, than worry about the next time we are going to have sex. becasue its only great sex when both parties ae in the mood.
I hope this has helped somewhat :)
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