A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,Over the past few years, I have run into a lot of issues with my husband and have discovered that the large bulk of our problems stem from some physical and mental health issues which cannot really go away. This has taken a toll on our marriage. We have also drifted apart, even though deep inside we care a lot about each other.A few days ago, my husband suggested we get a separation because he feels like he is a burden on me and becuase he feels he makes me unhappy. While this is partly true, it is a feeling of grief and relief simultaneously. As of yesterday, we decided to keep going on with our marriage and keep the separation papers on the side in case we ever decided to sign them.Ever since we have had issues, I had at one point developed a friendship with feelings towards a man whom I feel could be my best friend. He gets me like no one ever has, and no one ever will. He too is married but his wife no longer has any desire for him because she personally told me this. My question is, should I move on with my life and allow life to settle the dust, whichever direction that takes me? I am not a home wrecker at all, but the man whom I tremendosuly respect and who understands me as if he were in my mind, is not appreciated by his wife who has told me she stays with him because he is a ''provider''. They also fight a lot . I would like to know if there might be mutual attraction (from his persepctive) since we click so much? I would doubt he clicks like that with anyone he has ever met. But I also know he respects his wife and is devoted to his marriage regardless, and I do not wish to interfere in that. The reason I want to know this is because I want to know if fate may one day bring us together (without my interference).
View related questions:
best friend, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 November 2016):
 Your husband has health issues, I guess you don't want to leave him as you will feel guilty therefore you would like to have this man on the side, and well sure his wife doesn't want him so that makes it okay.
Look you made vows and you either stick by them or you get separated. Don't make excuses and try and reason with yourself that it is okay to cheat. It is never okay to cheat. If you are unhappy then leave. Don't get with a married man. Leave and sort out your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): Hi all, I am the OP of this question. You are all right, except I beg to differ on the person who said ''I was arrogant'' for believing this other person probably doesn't click with others the same way. Him and I have been called ''twins'' because we think the same way, do things the same way, have the same pet peeves and have the same passions in life. The connection is unreal, but at this point I am not remotely attracted to him. I just love the comfort I get talking to him. I also have no intention of hurting anyone, let alone myself in the process. My life is complicated enough as it is. It is hard to work on a marriage that has so many challenges and so much resistance. I think I have just accepted the status quo because no real change will come along in this situation. Yes, I married ''in sickness and in health'' but when the other person's health issues often put you in a psychologically abusive situation, I don't believe any marriage vow would allow for that. I just wanted to know if it was right for me to have hope in the distant future considering the factors at stake. Thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2016): NO.
Both of you need to sort out your marriages first.
Once that is done, you will know the direction you are heading in.
Never start an affair. All it does is provide temporary relief from the problems that will STILL be there once the affair ends.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 November 2016):
 You know what, OP?
SORT out what you want to do with your marriage 100%. Stay or go and then DO it. Don't sit on the fence and think cheating will help you make a choice.
Sounds like your marriage is OVER, but you are in denial. Your husband and the marriage is something you are familiar with and thus "nice" enough to keep going. It's less scary than to divorce and having to do things on your own again. But here is the thing, you were on your own before you married, right? So you CAN do it. Even your husband knows it's not really working. He isn't making you happy and you most likely aren't making HIM happy either. DOESN'T your husband deserve to be happy too? To NOT be cheated on? To be allowed to move on and maybe find someone who does make him happy and whom HE, in turn, make happy too?
And as for your married friend... IF you think you two have this AMAZING connection, that will STILL be there AFTER you divorce and it MIGHT be something to pursue IF he leaves his unhappy marriage as well. Again, CHEATING does NOT solve GOD DARNED anything. And it's about the WORST way to start any kind of long term relationship. A relationship BUILD on lies and deceit (cheating IS just that) is not going to last. Or make either of you happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 "I would doubt he clicks like that with anyone he has ever met" - that's an awfully arrogant assumption to make, OP. You don't know how he feels or his past relationships.
So, at least you don't want to be a piece on the side, but that means he's best left in your past, as you know he's not leaving his marriage. Your best bet is to cut him off, as your feelings are already there and you'd either cave in to an affair or live in the pain of knowing you can never have him.
As for your husband, a few days isn't enough. You need marriage counselling, if you actually want to give it a shot. If not, then divorce him - don't waste anyone's time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 Hon, you made vows to your husband and he made vows to you. "In sickness and in health" stick to them. To be honest your husband sounds like a caring loving man, he is aware of the problems and is willing to give you a separation! Have you been to marriage counselling? Have you tried in anyway to get closer to your husband?
With regards your married friend - if he was so unhappy why is he still with his wife?
Please remember that this man you are infatuated with is only showing you the side of him which he wants you to see - so you envisage life with him would be all rainbows and glitter. When the dust settles, it is all fake.
My honest advice to you is to divorce your husband if you really don't want to put the work into your marriage.
Once divorced, if this man you so desire is also then divorced - then you are free to follow wherever the path takes you.
But at this point, you are still married so get yourself into counselling. If after a lot of trying and counselling things don't work out, at least you know you tired. Oh and don't think of this as a short term counselling, nothing happens overnight.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tuatara  +, writes (28 November 2016):
 It seems there are a couple of things going on in your life at the moment which would easily make you feel unsettled and potentially a bit vulnerable. I think it could be easy to tangle up the issues and see things that may or may not be there with this friend. It sounds as though you both are in slightly complicated marriages and for whatever reasons you have both chosen, at this stage to stay with your respective spouses. It would be easier if you could ride off into the sunset together and leave the difficult stuff behind you. Problem with this thought process is that you sound as if you don't quite know if you male friend feels the same way. And he too, may feel really comfortable with you due to his situation but need to figure out if he wants to stay married. It could be that you are an escape from reality for each other. But... that doesn't mean it is a good basis or foundation for a potential life changing decision or a relationship. Focusing on this possibility doesn't help you function or find a better way in your marriage, and that's not fair to either you or your husband. When you decided to give it another go after your recent decision not to separate you really should be fully committed to that process. Equally if your friend has issues in his marriage, he needs to focus on that. It is easy, once we share our 'woes' with someone to feel there is a deep close relationship, more than friends. Because you both are supporting each other and or a 'venting' buddies, you seem to have now developed feelings for him and that is not necessarily healthy or balanced. I think you should try not to worry about his wife and intentions - that's his job to work out. I don't feel it would be a wise or a good thing to start crossing boundaries. Just be careful you don't make your current challenges more complicated. I suggest you keep your friendship in balance. If you decide, after working fully to repair or manage the issues in your marriage, that it should then end, then just be single and give yourself time to heal. Before you enter into a new relationship. Your attraction to this friend may be a bit skewed. Personally I think it is dangerous territory you potentially in with these emotions. Please be careful you don't hurt people, including yourself!
...............................
|
