A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:please help, i am deeply confused. i have been with my partner for 14 years and have 3 children. i do love my partner but i am not in love with him any more, we argue a lot and he can be very hurtful with the things he says to me, which i wont go into. i'm not 100% happy.lately i have been having feelings for another man who only lives a few streets away from me. he is married and also has 3 children. his son is friendly with my son and he used to work with my partner. he often talks to me and stares at me a lot, i get the feeling that he likes me too. he has been having problems with his marriage and has confided in me on a few occasions. recently he told my friend that he liked me and wanted to talk with me on our own, he has not made any effort to do so and i dont know what to do, can you please advise me i am so confused and i cant stop thinking about this man. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): Remember you are only a few streets away from his wife. When this fails its your partner that will feel the backlash of your bad moods.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): alright this is tough. but u have to put ur children before u. think of how they would feel and also think about the kids of the guy u like. dont do anything that u mite regret. have a divorce before u do anything..the farthest u can go here is dinner to talk as "friends" and consult about how u feel. just know that u only live once, and u should be happy. if u arent happy then get a divorce. its hard but u have to do what u have to do. life is an adventure so dont waste it on someone that u dont love anymore. hope this helps
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Please do not cheat on your partner! It is cowardice and a complete betrayal of any feelings you ever had for your partner.
Not once did I hear you say anything about couples counseling. Dont you want to be able to walk away from a relationship knowing you tried everything you could?
Cheating is not the answer, and it only hurts innocent people needlessly as it is about the most selfish act you can commit.
Plus you will be damaging the lives of three children and an innocent wife that could be avoided if you would just take the initiative and try to fix what is wrong.
I suggest you give couples counseling a shot, why dont you give your partner the benefit of the doubt here. If you put one tenth of the effort trying to fix your relationship that you do thinking about a married man, you may discover why you fell in love with your partner in the first place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): You probably wont want to hear this. There is someone in his life who you have no thought about hurting. What hurtful things does your partner say to you? It makes me think that your partner is reacting to something. The first thig you should do is end it with your partner. Look at yourself and stop being selfish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): First thing is you may end up feeling used. Do you think this will help your partner problem? It will make it worse. As your feeling this way and your partners feelings dont come in to it,end that relationship first. Then find someone who`s available. This is a selfish act and makes me wonder what your partners side of the argument is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): Hi,
I urge you to FORGET THE OTHER MAN AND DON'T APPROACH HIM AGAIN!!!
He is only another man with another set of flaws, a possible snoring problem/selfish/workaholic etc.etc. You need to focus on your marriage - what did you used to love about your husband? All the memories you've shared (i.e. making 3 beautiful children together and being there at their births,good times,sad times,your wedding day)
Can you work things out? See a counsellor? Would he be shocked/upset to hear how you feel? He may want to change or work at things - it may just be the jolt he needs to start showing you some respect.
All I know is bringing another man into the equation is asking for trouble - you have 6 kids between you so this is not just about you. Could you live with yourself if you became part of the reason the other mans family fell apart? The other woman would blame you and as you seem to have mutual friends you would be putting them in the middle too.
I AM TALKING FROM EXPERIENCE. I ruined my family with an affair. It wasn't until it blew up in my face that I realised that I should have tried rather than distracting myself - either that or leave my husband and at least not be seen as an unfaithful selfish homewrecker. Its a terrible cross to bear and my children hardly ever see their loving father anymore as a result.
When it all came out, the lover I thought I couldn't live without became a distant memory - I don't miss him half as much as I miss what I had with my family!! I'm just saying this because the reason you can't stop thinking about this man is the escapism its easier to have an amazing fantasy than deal with the mundane struggle of a relationship thats ordinary.
Think about what you truly want; to make your marriage work, or to be by yourself. Don't go dragging someone else's marriage into your life. I can guarantee you it will be so much more trouble than its worth. Good luck!xxx
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A
female
reader, vodkablue +, writes (11 July 2009):
hey hope youre ok
the reason i think these feelings are so intense is because of all the stress you are currently having with your husband.
ill be honest i cannot see things getting better if you were to enter into a relationship with this man now.
youre feeling low because you get no attention from your husband and thats why this guy is making you feel good.
you say youre not 100% happy
is your husband aware of how upset you are ?
is there any chance you can resolve things with him ? if not then its definitely time to end it with him. and then have a bit of space and THEN if the other guy is still interested go for it.
at the moment your emotions are running high leaving you prone to making a hasty decision which you could regret.
alternatively rather than via your friend you could ask the other guy outright what his feelings for you are and take it from there.
you have a lot to think about and its hard because you have your children but you must also think of yourself and do whats right for you aswell, you have a right to be happy. take care and good luck
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