A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'd really like a second person's opinion of this "situation" as i have a tendency to overreact.I have this friend who, while i've known for a while, has only just become my really close friend within about the last 3 years. And yes, we mainly speak through technology i.e. phone, internet as we live far apart and it's impractical to see each other due to college and work commitments. But when we do get to hang out, we have a lot of fun etc.Anyway, towards the end of last year, I admitted to him that I had developed feelings for him. And he admitted the same back. So over the Christmas holidays we saw each other, nothing serious happened, kissed a few times.But after New Years (when we were in our respective states again), he stopped talking to me as much and when i finally confronted him and he actually answered he said that he didn't think we'd be good together in a relationship and should remain as just friends. I didn't really understand his reasoning but accepted it as he's pretty much my closest friend and we'd already decided that we can't lose that.But then, he said he'd made a mistake in saying that. And so, I admit, that when we saw each other last month, we were acting like we were in a relationship again, i.e. being really affectionate, kissing but again, nothing more serious happened. We didn't have "the talk" but it was kind of assumed we'd go back to being friends as we're not going to see each other again for months. But virtually straight away again he started not talking to me as much. And he admitted he had started almost 'censoring' what he says like he apparently did when he was with his ex and that he was scared of this "new level" we had got to, and so was being really careful with things that he said. I told him he was being stupid and that I missed talking to him. But it still isn't the same even now. Somedays he barely talks to me at all, he never comes online to talk to me anymore, and he never seems to ask about me at all and he often only talks if i've asked a direct question. And I appreciate he's been going out a lot more at home, and he's made a load of new friends in the area, which he didn't really have before. But I feel increasingly left out. It's making me angry, and along with a HUGE amount of pressure from my college work, I get annoyed and make comments to him...which are slightly on the offensive side about the situation, and then he won't talk to me for a while, and then the other day he admitted he's finding it hard to deal with the fact we're bickering 90% of the time (which i really don't agree with anyway). So I tried to explain how i felt generally, that i feel under so much pressure and everything in my life seems to be going wrong, what with college (i might be failing) and problems with friends here and not knowing what i'm doing with my whole life after May or where I'll be living in a few months. And i told him i've been feeling really upset and just...rubbish all and every day. To which he never replied until I felt I had to apologize for feeling that way when all I wanted was someone to talk to me and tell me that everything was okay. And everytime I try to tell him that I feel more left out, he implies i'm overreacting and being irrational.But it's incredibly obvious he's talking to me less, maybe that he doesn't even want to anymore and I increasingly feel like I'm just not part of his life anymore, let alone a friend. We used to talk until 1 or 2 in the morning but now it's a rarity if i even get a "goodnight" from him. And I REALLY miss how we used to be whereas I'm not convinced he does at all.And I suppose I just want someone else's opinions on whether i'm being irrational or not. I'm going to be in his state next weekend and I don't know whether to see him or not (if he even would see me anymore). I just know know whether I should continue to make the effort and keep talking to him and pretending all is fine or if I should back off until he realizes i'm not there anymore. But I'm worried he won't care if I do that as it will probably crush me.Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this and your thoughts will be more than welcome! Thank you
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christmas, crush, his ex, kissing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): You don't want friendship, you want more. You're not going to get it because this guy OBVIOUSLY doesn't want it.
Step away and move on with your life.
A
female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (30 March 2012):
 It's interesting that all was fine until you both met. Then you kissed and cuddled, went back home and suddenly he's not interested anymore. The you see him again and kiss and cuddle, nothing more and then he goes home and backs off again, only worse than before. Can you see a pattern here?
I think because he made the effort to travel all that way to see you after you told him you had feelings for him, he expected a bit more than a kiss and cuddle and when he didn't get it he backed off. Sorry but that's how I see it.
Also I'd like to comment on this part of your post:
"And i told him i've been feeling really upset and just...rubbish all and every day. To which he never replied until I felt I had to apologize for feeling that way,"
Why would you apologise to him for telling him how you are feeling? Because he didn't respond? You can't make him care for you my friend and it just makes you sound desperate to want contact, any contact from him.
I do think you have a lot going on in your life at the moment and I think you should stop contacting him, stop stressing over him and sort your plans for the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): But it's not a LDR I'm trying to maintain here, it's the friendship. That is what's important to me. And I don't see how wanting to maintain a friendship is a fantasy
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2012): Stop putting yourself through all of this misery. LDRs are notoriously difficult to maintain - especially if you haven't even really had a relationship before the distance was put between you.
Your expectations are unrealistic and you are chasing a fantasy.
Let him go and get on with your life WITH REAL PEOPLE.
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A
female
reader, JaneSmith2012  +, writes (30 March 2012):
 This guy appears a little confused about whether or not to be in a relationship.Leave him alone for some time. Maybe he needs his space too. Either way , let him get back to you. In that case you'll know if he's genuinely interested in keeping up with you.
From your side it appears that you are also under a lot of stress. This long distance bf problem is just adding up to your stress levels. So please calm down.
In my opinion give this issue a rest for sometime.Concentrate on your career/studies and bring it back on track. These are your actual priorities . But currently they seem to have taken a backseat hence you feel the pressure. Maybe that's what's causing you to overreact.
You have stated that you're almost on the verge of failing . So why not start concentrating on your studies. In fact studying effectively is actually a way to forget your worries. I've tried this myself and have been benefited by it. Also studying helps you calm down (This is true !!! ).
Next , since the guy is busy in his town making new friends, i suggest you start renewing your local contacts too. Do start hanging out more with them and reactivate your social life as it was before all this confusion.
Once you set yourself on the right path, your perspective will undergo a change. You would have calmed down considerably.You would also have become emotionally independent by then.If he gets back to you , you will be in a better position to understand him or if he doesnt you'll be in a position where you will confidently walk away from him.
Anyway dont call on the chap when you visit the town where he's put up.Dont let him have the impression as though you are desperately clinging to him.You need to tend to your life first. Since he's busy with his life i suggest you start making yours great.All the best !! :)
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