A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:I'm bisexual and have been in a relationship with a guy for eight months now. I spend weekends at his, and make up excuses to my parents who are conservative and petrified/repulsed by homosexuals. To the point that any defence of homosexuality is immediately suspicious. Besides this problem my mother is a very difficult woman. She is aggressive (shouts all the time), moody, judgemental and a control freak. She has many problems at home but does everything she can to conceal the cracks on the surface. I want to move out but I can't until I find a job. She has many great characteristics for sure, but lets focus on the negative ones because they are the problem. My mother is overly "concerned" for me because she never meets my friends. When my friends come round she's judgemental of them because they look like "thugs", or they didn't say "hi" to her, or they're asian, or whatever. There is always something, so I don't bring friends round to avoid judgement day. She's totally different outside the four walls of the house, she projects an image of herself on to her friends as a soft, considerate, wise, unjudgmental woman. I can't ever have a casual conversation with her, because it invariably becomes her attacking my decisions (quite overtly) and essentially trying to manipulate me into doing what she thinks is right for me. I stopped speaking to her for a year at one point because it was so difficult to ignore her negativity. What is the best way to deal with her (while I live with her), take into account other family members also find her difficult but dont get on her bad side so much because they are "normal". I've tried everything :-( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Have you thought about leaving home? I would make that my priority. I would rather live in an egg carton in the road than live with my mum again. Some people are just not cut out to be parents and its the kids that have to live with the consequences. I'm sure your mum loves you in her own way. She shows it cos she cooks and cleans, whether you want her to or not. My guess is she behaves that way cos its learnt behaviour. Something from her past is amiss and the cycle goes on. If you get some distance from her you will feel instantly lighter. When you're so close to her it will seem very overwhelming.
A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (31 July 2009):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply boo22, its exactly as you describe. She'll say something that's outrageous, doesn't make sense or overly dramatic, a fight will break out, she'll bring up things from the past and start attacking another thing, and then all hell breaks loose. If my dad gets involved she starts up with conspiracy theories and say we're all plotting against her. I'm going to get hold of this book. My friends are all sympathetic, but I'm so tired of complaining, as I'm sure they are of hearing it. The hardest thing is understanding how someone can't see how much misery they are causing, even when I communicate in a nice, non-threatening way. She just won't change. It hurts because sometimes she's the nicest person,she cleans our rooms, cooks for us (even though we've pleaded with her that we're quite capable ourselves) but she'll have a bad day with someone and take it out on us. It's not violent, but usually verbal bullying and general dismissiveness. I had counselling, and she took the mickey out of me for seeing someone about it, which gave her a whole new argument that I wasn't all there in the head. It's making me an insecure person because she questions everything everyone does, except her brothers and family (who can't do any wrong), yet her immediate family (husband, children) are never right, and she always knows best (which she's proven she doesn't).
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Hi there. Have we got the same mother,lol? My mom is exactly the same, everything you write i have experienced myself. I'm in my 40's and my mom is 81 and nothing has changed. I can't tell her anything about my life or relationships. Shes firmly stuck in a cycle of negative thinking which she couldn't change because its just too engrained now. I've had to change myself and my way of communicating with her. I've also stopped taking it so personally as well, which i thought was a problem. She'd say something outrageous, i'd react,argue,then we would not see each other for months. I'd feel guilty and phone her after so long and this went on for years. My sister went 7 years with zero contact from her once. I read alot of self help books like 'toxic parents'is one i remember. I've given up on having a good relationship with my mum. Its just a case of damage limitation now. She still gets to me now and again though when she catches me off guard. Its awful i know. Change the way you feel and don't focus so much on trying to change your mum. Only she can do that. Hope this helps x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): can therapy be an option? she's your mom and thats probably the most important relationship in life. it defines how you act and feel as an adult, later in life and throughout your life. a neutral person in between both of you can help bridge the gap that you currently have. work on that first, before letting on about your secret. good luck
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