A
female
age
41-50,
*errymambono5
writes:Hello,I've been seeing this guy for nearly 4 months now. I really like him. He lives about 40 mins away from me and I don't drive and have a little girl of 4, so most of the time he travels to me. He was really keen to start, he has asked me for exclusivity, texts me or rings me every day and tells me he loves me frquently. He has been going through a hard time. He had a breakdown last year and had to be off work for 6 months (a high school teacher). Only went back to work in Jan and we met end of Jan. His parents then split up in feb and he is currently living with and looking after his Dad who is quite hard work. His mum is living with his sister. He is 36 and says he has never been in love before (has never been married/ had kids). I know he is on anti-depressants and suffers tension headaches. i also know he has had a gambling addiction in the past and suffered bankruptcy so he is very very careful with his money to the point of I feel like I am paying more when we go on a date. Although i see him quite alot he also cancels dates quite alot, says he is ill or has issues at home. I did not see him for 9 days recently because he said he was ill with flu/ tension headaches. then I saw him this Tuesday and he was super keen again then supposed to see him tonight and he has cancelled again saying he has car trouble. i know he gets alot of stress from both his Mum and Dad expecting him to do things for him and I spoke to him about this On Tuesday and he acknowledged that. I met him on a dating website by the way. The only other thing that worries me is that although he is loving most of the time, he is quite 'aggressive' during sex, nothing too untoward but I certainly would not say it was ever 'making love'. I'm 36 myself and as I said am on my own with a young daughter after a bad marriage which i left two years ago. I just don't want to waste my time on another dead-end relationship but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and persevere. Very confused. please help!
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a break, bankrupt, gambling, money, split up, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 never ever fall in love with a man's potential. sounds to me like he lets you down more than he doesn't.
A
female
reader, gerrymambono5 +, writes (27 May 2011):
gerrymambono5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionP.s he also said that he thought I was being 'spiteful' which I thought was a wierd thing to say. I think this may be a classic case of 'gaslighting' and I have done my classic case of letting my boundaries slip again. Caring guy I think you are spot on that I seek these kind of guys out due to low self esteem and they seem 'familiar' to me. Thanks again everyone for this great advice. Please keep posting. It is really helping xx
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A
female
reader, gerrymambono5 +, writes (27 May 2011):
gerrymambono5 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone for your advice. I called him on the car issue and said he has been cancelling alot and its hard to sustain a relationship when you see the person erratically. I said I had made other plans for Friday now (was worried he would cancel again and that I'd be stuck in on my own again, its my weekend my daughter goes to her Dads) I said I think we needed some time to think about what is going on. This led to a series of very dramatic messages saying obviously I don't trust him, he has been ill, its illegal to drive a car without an MOT, that he loves me but now he does not believe I love him because you don't treat a person you love like this. That he thinks i'm playing games and treat him like a toy because I said I would see him friday night and have now dropped him. That he is 'crying now cheers!' He also reminded me of the 'one' time I cancelled our date as opposed to the 15 times he has cancelled. Through all your advice I think i'm starting to open my eyes a bit. He is sounding very familiar to my ex-husband... in fact I can see the same pattern, and he ended up being an emotionally abusive narcissist who cheated continuously.. Any more thoughts/ advice would be great thank you. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): Hi i think you are wasting your time with this guy. He has done the classic...i love you...thing to nobble you and keep you in at night, waiting on his calls. Now he visits when it suits him. Takes you on cheap dates because you are paying out more than he is. And 'love making' is him being aggressive and treating you like a piece of meat. I would have a word with him if you intend to keep dating him and put an end to his aggression in bed. That's not pleasuring someone you love. That's using a person and not caring about their feelings or needs. To be honest, just his 'tension headaches' and 'aggression' during sex would have seen me off quick smart! Let alone the other problems he has.You might think he is nice but by what are you measuring him? He has tonnes of issues and at the end of the day you don't even know if he is being honest, or just spinning you lines, while he's out busy dating others from date sites. One thing is for sure though. If he really is working and he lets his employer down as often as he does you, because of flu, tension headaches(?) and his car troubles, he will be unemployed soon! I know dating can be disappointing sometimes. And there is the temptation to settle and 'make do' rather than chuck someone back in the sea and get out there aaaall over again! But i do think you will be happier waiting for better, rather than falling into a co-dependent relationship with this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): I have to agree with CaringGuy, it seems as though you know that this relationship is not what you hope it to be. Please make the effort to take care of yourself first. Meeting nice normal guys is a challenge, but there will be someone who has their life together. Take a breather from this one before you invest any more time into him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 May 2011):
I'm sorry, but I do think you're setting yourself up again for a lot of pain. This guy is a walking disaster zone.
Bankruptcy, breakdowns, depression, addictions, first relationship, cancelling dates etc etc. He's simply not got his life in order, and in your position you need to be able to trust him 100% - something that you won't be able to do.
This does seem to be very, very dead end.
I have a strong feeling that your bad marriage has led you to another crap guy. This often happens. If you were used to poor treatment before, then you'll be expecting it now, and perhaps even actively seeking it out because it represents familiarity to you.
I think right now, you need to take a good look at your own self esteem and work out what it is that attracts you to questionable guys. You simply can't afford to be around someone who has this many problems that could really affect your future together.
Really put your own wellbeing first, along with your daughter's. This guy isn't right, and I think deep down you know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): I think you know the answer here. Maybe you need to spend time working out why you want to be with a guy who is so emotionally unavailable. Would he be a good role model for your daughter?
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