A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if this is a bigger deal that it should be?My girlfriend is kind of shy, but also kind of picky. People tease her about both these things sometimes, even I do. I think she might have a complex, but I honestly don't understand why she is like this. I don't believe any of her excuses for why she's like this most of the time-like she tells me she was picked on in gradeschool or that no one understands how easy it is for her to gain weight-thus she has to watch what she eats. Whatever.No matter what I do to try to make her change-no matter how much I warn her that she's doomed if she doesn't change, she just stays the same and I think she's getting worse.It's not like she won't talk to people or anything, but she is reserved and she doesn't assert herself enough, or conversely she asserts herself at the wrong time-like when I really don't feel like talking about something and tell her to stop talking, she gets mad at me. But, it's so annoying how she'll never say no to me and I can go on and on whenever I want and pretty much do anything I want with or to her. Sometimes I think she's very accepting but sometimes I think she's pathetic and passive.Here's an example: A few nights ago, we went out to eat. I was paying. The waitress mistook her order and brought her the wrong thing. My GF didn't say anything and when the waitress left us alone, GF said to me that she'd just take a bite and eat the side dish and take the rest home as leftovers for me to eat the next day. I started to feel really annoyed about this, so I made her tell the waitress to bring out the right thing. Eventaully the waitress brought out the right order and we ate our food and went home, but I still felt increasingly annoyed by my GF and the fact she wouldn't just send this food back. I think she just needs to get over herself.My anger was big and my patience was thin, so on the way home I asked her what her problem was. She told me that everyone picks on her for being picky, so she was just trying to accept whatever she was given at the restaurant and not point out the mistake and eat around the thing she didn't order. I told her she was ridiculous, and she said she felt she couldn't 'win' either way--if she sent it back, I would have given her a hard time for sending it back, but if she accepted it and not made a fuss, I would have gotten annoyed at her for not trying to fix the mistake.When we got home, I still felt bothered by this, and I kinda lost my temper-and I told her flat out that I could tear apart her ego worse than anyone else could ever do and that I knew exactly how to do it and that she was full of sh*t and by the time I was done she wouldn't even know who she was anymore. She kind of looked at me from the corner of her eye and even seemed shocked at how mad I was, but for the most part seemed to be ignoring how serious I felt about this. That night and the three following it, we ended up sleeping in different rooms and she wouldn't talk or look at to me for 2 days. She told me she was sick of me giving her a hard time for things like this - in her mind - about 'nothing'. She told me this once I decided to apologize to her for telling her how much I would love to rip her ego to shreds. I meant it when I told her, but I guess I'm not good with tact, because she seemed so upset by it for so long.Was this really nothing, or is she the most ridiculous person ever for not talking to me for 2 days while we were under the same roof, over something like this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): wow sounds like she is right dude. No matter what she does she cant win with you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): You're in the wrong here in my opinion. Apologise for over reacting. Your threat to tear her ego apart doesn't even make sense. I don't see her having an ego problem from what you posted, I just see you as having a serious issue with her not being decisive enough for your liking.You need to have a long hard think about whether her continued passive nature is going to be too much for you, because I doubt she will change drastically regardless of what you do or say. Either that or next time a situation like this happens take the initiative youself by explaining to her that you would like to take control of this situation. If she says don't worry about it, then just let it go this time. Next time though, say it's annoying you and agree that you'll handle it your way next time round.Explain you'll step in and handle the confrontation for her because you understand she doesn't like it.You need to have a bit of give and take, rather than letting it frustrate you. If you can't stomach that then I think your relationship is doomed anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): If she frustrates you so much, why are you with her? Do you get anything good out of being in the relationship? Does she?
This sounds like a very destructive relationship, for both of you. Perhaps you are just so different that you don't match each other very well.
And please don't act out your threat to tear her ego to pieces until she doesn't know who she is. She sounds vulnerable right now, and that would destroy her. If you don't want to do that, but feel that you might, then it might be worth thinking about walking away from her. You could be saving each other...
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (4 July 2009):
 She is more like you then you realise. You treat her like crap and she makes you sleep in another room for 3 nights doesn't talk to you for two days and tells you to piss off, sounds pretty assertive to me. The next step could be to beat the crap out of you.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (4 July 2009):
 Your poor girlfriend. I can't believe she puts up with a jerk like you. You're proud of the fact that you can bulldoze her and verbally abuse her...wow. There are no words for that kind of behavior. I hope this argument is the first sign that she is preparing to dump you.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (4 July 2009):
This is what I think: judging by the part when she told you that if she sent the food back you'd be annoyed, and if she kept it, you'd be annoyed. I think that she doesn't think that she can make you happy. Do you even know what that feels like? The feeling that, "well if I do this, he'll be pissed off, but if I do this, he'll be pissed off too."
She's passive, that's her personality. Not everyone is assertive. The way you are acting toward her isn't going to help her change. You're basically nagging her and putting her down ALL THE TIME. When you act that way, she won't make an effort to change because she knows that no matter what she tries to do, you're going to give her shit. What you need to do is be supportive in trying to get her out of her shell. Also, you can't make a person do something if they don't want to.
She had every right to ignore you for 2 days. I would have ignored you longer than that or permanently. Think about the way to talk to her. Make an effort to be supportive, not aggresssive.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (4 July 2009):
I think YOU have the problem, if she is picky you have a problem with if she trys not to be picky you are annoyed about that aswell. I think your attitude probly makes her feel bad about herself. If you have got so so many problems with the way she is then leave her and let her find someone that loves her for who she is and isnt going to try and change her. You dont even sound as if you like her let alone love her. Im not suprised she didnt speak to you if someone said all that to me i would tell him to get lost. Your the picky one, it sounds like you pick at every little thing she does. I think you both need to find someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): I can sense a lot of hate coming from the fellow aunts. But I have been in a situation where I often found myself frustrated by someone although the girl was just my friend but I did try to help her as much as possible.
What I can say is that she is trying to change...her actions of just accepting what the waiter gave her was her own answer to the problem. She is logically doing what she thinks will make you happy. But you think she is trying to make you angry but see the problem isn't about you. Its about her. And she knows that. But you have to help her by being supportive. You can't be negative to the person you love and expect them to change for the better. You told her "she is doomed" if she doesn't change. How does that help anyone? Do you think screaming and yelling solves arguments as well? She is the one with the problem and her having to deal with it is 100x harder than what you will feel. So I will just say the way you are talking to her is not helping even the least bit. If you love her then I recommend you show that love by the both of you seeking some kind of therapy or counseling. If you love her explain to her that you fear she is becoming worse because of you, and that you don't know how to help, but you do love her and want to help. I don't know if she really has a problem or not but if she is becoming this way because of you then you r the one who needs the therapy, in terms that you need to learn a better way to communicate with her to help her.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (4 July 2009):
Your a jerk only because like she said she cant win either way why cant she just be who she is if you cant deal with her being picky, or passive then you need to keep it moving. She should have sent the food back but didnt feel it was a big deal and i cant really understand why you would talk to someone like you have spoken to her over something so small have you ever thought maybe she acts the way she does because people are always criticizing her for her crayzi corks that we all have by the way i am positive you have some annoying habits mr perfect i get it that you would like to her to stand up for herself but she will not do that by you putting her down if i was her i would have went off on you and tore your ego to shreds you dont sound like you have any love for her why dont you suggest ya'll go to counceling so she can work on being passive and you can work on being more patient dont get me wrong dude i totally get what you were saying it was your delivery that really such and you came out looking like a Ass learn to deal with her funny ways or say bye bye but dont ever be verbally abusive to anyone.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (4 July 2009):
 Actually its YOU that is being ridiculous!
Dude, you dont tell someone you love how you could tear their ego to shreds. WHAT THE HELL! Are you proud of that? I hope not.
Look at your post...you are a very immature young man. Do you have any inkling whatsoever as to how to treat someone you supposedly love?
She is your girlfriend, not a bum on the street!
People can be shy and reserved and there is nothing wrong with that. But the fact that you berated her becuase of not wanting to send her food back is pretty harsh. Not to mention embarrassing for her.
You mentioned that you are trying to change her. YOU CANT! It is pretty selfish to think that you can.
People that love someone dont try to change them. They accept them for who they are.
Basically you need to learn some respect to women and grow the hell up. Because she can do a lot better than you making her feel like shit on a daily basis. And my guess is that since she wouldn't talk to you for a couple of days, unless you change you tune, she will be finding that someone else pretty damn quick, and you'll be eating your meals alone.
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A
female
reader, wutislove  +, writes (4 July 2009):
ur acting like wut u did and said was nothing....can u imagine if someone told YOU that. i kno id be hurt but she does seem to have a extremely fragile personality and is very sensitive and theres nothing wrong with that but i can see how its soo annoying. but if it bothers you that much then maybe u guys are not meant to be. maybe you should make a list of pros and cons of this relationship i no that sounds stupid but it really might help! i hope it all works out...or not if u decide to break up lol
ok hope it helped :)
xoxo gossip girl
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