A
male
age
41-50,
*hris79
writes:Hi everyone,I have been seeing a woman for the last 7 months. This woman has a had a hard life with her family, having been thrown out of home by her mother at 18 and forced to pay for her studies, finding a place to live and making a career for herself without help. I admire her immensely as she has managed to make a major success of her career, pay for her own university studies and get to the top despite the adversity. I too had a tough childhood and also had to work for all my university degree's including clawing my way to the top to become a partner at a top banking consultancy. She is an incredibly hard woman though. I am very emotional and sensitive being an only child, whilst she is incredibly unemotional and hard by nature. I think the fact that she was thrown out of her home, forced to have to control her emotions and way of being. But she is very close to her family now.The more i have gotten to know her over the past few months, the more i am beginning to worry about whether i can commit my life to this woman after some of the behaviour i have witnessed in the last few months. I love her dearly and she loves me immensely too, there is no doubting this either. We have a fantastic relationship and are incredibly close, physically and as partners, and she never stops telling me how much she loves me, but there is always a BUT.In the last two months, there are number of examples of this doub. She constantly goes to her family at least one or two times a week to see them (after having repaired the relationship with her mom a few years back). I am effectively left on my own and there is generally no compromise about this, she will go regardless even if i ask her to just spend the week with me. Quite often i cut her a lot of slack and let her go a few extra days to keep her happy and she does like being around them. But she sometimes abuses this taking more time than is necessary, eg. an extra day or two, whilst i am left alone at home. I often have to beg to her to not go, and whilst she does sometimes stay when i beg her not to go, it bugs me that i have to 'beg for her time', when it should come naturally to her. She seems like she is attached to her families hip. I once asked her what would happen if we got married and had kids, would she just run to her family and leave me with the kids, just so she could be with him? She had no answer to this and said she 'thought it would change with time'. Also i am not allowed to bug her at her family as this is 'her time', sometimes i have to beg her to speak to her on the phone for a bit and she can get quite irritated with me which i dont think is fair. Ironically she has also accused me for being selfish before for asking her to come back early from her family, when honestly, i give her so much time there already - but she did apologise for this remark once or twice!!!The other problems i have discovered lately lead me even more to her selfish behaviour. I have depression and when i got ill and landed up in hospital, she got angry with me. She was more focused on how much i had hurt her, rather than that i was in pain and in hospital. Actually the whole situation incurred the wrath of her family as well. This traumatized me immensely as it felt like she would only be around for good times and not bad times, worst of all, get angry with me if i went through depression. Again i had to beg her to come see me in hospital, which she eventually did. I always do things for this woman, taking care of her when she is sick, cooking for us every night, buying her goodies when she is having a tough month on the budget, letting her go to her mom, buying her presents occasionally, spoiling her with flowers ... but i never get the same from her side, i just dont understand it. She is always very grateful and gives me all her love, but i never get the same level of committment, even though i can feel all her love. I think she doesnt know how to, because inside, she never got this herself in life, so why should she give it? It makes me incredibly sad.The other problem is that when she drinks she gets incredibly aggressive. On her birthday she got so drunk that she threw her birthday presents at me, then in the morning had no idea why she had done it and was so very sorry. A week ago she got incredibly angry at dinner party because i wanted to go home so that we could cuddle and spend quality time together as i had not seen her for 2 days after she went to her family ... she told me i was manipulative, not a man and that i should just leave ... once again when she sobered up she was in tears and incredibly sad about what she did.She has also lied to me about tiny little irrelevant things in the past, when i have never lied. When i was on a business trip she lied about where she went and i caught her out, and she continued to deny it for 4 months until finally all my nagging brought her to admit. Honestly i came back early from that business trip as her lie traumatized me emotionally, as i was terrified she was cheating on me, which she wasnt, but she had just lied to me.These things worry me. I love the woman dearly and would like to marry her eventually but are these bad signs ?????Please help me, advice would be desperately appreciated!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): Leave her to find more suitable person ... that is my opinion.
A
female
reader, Renee okc  +, writes (4 July 2009):
What is it that you seem to love so much, Why are you so against her visiting with her family how much time do you need i am sorry but half of your letters sounds like you just want her all to yourself and dont feel like you should share her with anyone her parents or mom is getting older maybe she feels she needs to spend time with them being that the relationship was so bad before you are talking about her having emotional issues i have a news flash for you , you dont sound to stable and you sound like you need alot of attention that maybe she isnt willing to give at this point you cannot force her to be who you want but i would think you constantly seeming like whatever she does for you isnt enough maybe stressing her out and she would rather not be around you period it can be very annoying to have someone always complaining about what you do for them she isnt asking you to do extra things for her you choose to so why are you upset because she isnt like that the bottom line you are different people probably headed in different directions in life she maybe wasnt planning on having kids it pretty much sounds like you are the female and she is the male YES THESE ARE BAD SIGNS YOU ARENT GETTING WHAT YOU NEED FROM HER HOW WOULD THAT MAKE A HAPPY MARRIAGE GET OUT AND FIND SOMEONE MORE LIKE YOURSELF AND STOP TRYING TO CHANGE HER because she doesnt seem to think anything is wrong.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 July 2009):
 Bad signs on which side????? I see problems with how both of you act. From your side, I see an abnormal dependency or attachment level. This is why you feel the way you do when left alone, and how you see the method of showing love to her needs to be returned. You both have had trouble in your past, and it shows by different behaviors.
On her side, these signs symbolize a mild bi-polar, which is more evident while under the influence (manic depressive). So the alcohol triggers these negative behaviors. Alcohol tossed her off her normal balance, and creates something she's later ashamed of showing.
I recommend counseling together, and separate. You both have issues to work through, and until you do you won't be able to have a fully satisfying relationship. Relationships are a partnership. You both need to work on this, so the relationship will be a bond of being partners, and not both people being one sided.
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