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female
,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I have been in a relationship with my partner for nearly 2 years. We have overcome a lot to get to where we are today, but as of late we have been arguing about everything and anything and last night during a heated row my partner said to me that she'd had enough of this relationship.We carried on arguing and it got really heated, one of the main causes of arguing is that we hardly have sex anymore, we both work really hard and get tired but to me it sounds like a constant excuse, when asked calmly she tells me that she has a problem with her body and that she needs to lose some weight, I reasure her and tell her that she is beautiful the way she is and I love her very much and tell her if she wants to lose weight then we will do it toghether but nothing ever comes of it.Last night during our row, I happened to mention sex again and she told me that "she has only been having sex with me to keep me quiet and that she did'nt enjoy it anymore" So I went to leave and she kept asking me where I was going to go and I told her I did'nt know (I have no money and no where else to go- she knows this) I was standing in the kitchen and she was in the living room and after a while, she came in to me and put her hand on me and apologised to me and said that she did'nt mean any of it.I'm extremely hurt by this and because of our recent lack of intimacy, I do not know if she is telling the truth or feeling sorry for me. What do you think?
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female
reader, Rommana +, writes (24 November 2005):
I completly agree with Irish except for the not telling you the truth bit when you argue,i've always beleive that a heated argument always brings out the truth , but it just wasn't meant to be said in a certain way after all you have to be a little tactful.But don't take it too heart every couple goes through ups and downs and again all coupls have to work at their relationship the spark does sometimes go out but it can be sorted.Talk like Irish says and be completly honest,see a sex therapist if it helps beleive they can actaully be fun once you get past the hurtful stage.But you seem to be a very understanding bloke and your love for her will make it better but communicate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2005): Hun, as a woman I can honestly say, she probably didn't mean any of it. When two people who love each other have a fight, many couples express feelings they do not mean and usually regret it later. We all lash out! Tensions are high..emotions are spilling out all over the place, in the heat of the moment. It doesn't make sense but we do it. For her to come and apologise after things had cooled down, tells me in spite of your "bedroom" problem, she loves you and she appreciates the strong, committed relationship, you both share. It's understandable that you feel hurt about this, but there's a good chance you can turn things around. The first thing to do is let her know that you want to hear what she has to say and that you can handle hearing what turned her off, and, more important, what you can do to turn her on. Start by saying something like, "We once enjoyed sex together. Can you share with me what worked and what has changed so we can recapture that or build in new techniques and ways to make you happier with our sex life?"
Perhaps you need to look at how you're spending your time-and invest more of it into your gf. I encourage you both to be more responsive to each other and be willing to try the activities you two enjoy doing together like you did at one time, when the relationship was beginning, because it sounds like she is searching for fun and excitement& your relationship has stagnated a bit. This happens to many couples but they get through it by being comfortable enough to talk openly and honestly with each other. If you talk with her, be prepared to stay calm and keep an open mind. Show her that she can have fun with you and that you are willing to do what it takes to renew and discover new ways to play together. I hope this works and I wish you both, the best of luck.
Hugs,
irish
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A
female
reader, LEXI8580 +, writes (7 October 2005):
It sounds like your partner is feeling very low at the moment and is taking it out on you. Her lack of desire for sex is probably linked to how she feels about herself. Try sitting her down and having a proper talk without the shouting and maybe you will get some answers.
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A
reader, pops +, writes (7 October 2005):
I suspect that if you get a new job, all these problems will go away. Learn to hold your tongue in the meanwhile, as words to hurt. You have found that out, and I hope she has too. Men's sexuality is all tied up with being successfully employed. That is earning enough money to pay the bills for themselves and those they love, and doing something they really like to do. Take either of those away, and men start having problems, both at work, and at home. Get a job. The stress will leave you, and you will be more attractive, not because you have money again, but because you are not sitting around frustrated by being out of work.
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