A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So last night was my ex's 22nd birthday, so since we're still on good terms I went out with her and some of my old mutual friends. The night started off fairly well but as the night progressed I got more and more drunk (more so than I've gotten in over a year, since I rarely drink). This wasn't an issue until she consistently tried to dance with me (saying that she wanted me back). I resisted (I have an amazing girlfriend), but eventually when we left the bar I grabbed a cab back to her place, and passed out in her bed.. naked. We didn't have sex, or kiss as I resisted the urge but my libido got going and partway through the night I really came on to her, luckily enough at this point she had my back and didn't take it anywhere (we both touched each other but that's as far as it got). Now my girlfriend is on vacation and will be coming back sometime this week, I haven't really heard much from her (which is strange because she usually always keeps in touch) which in turn led me to have doubts and such (all inclusive in mexico..). I know I messed up, and am sincerely sorry, I'm not sure if I should tell her when she gets back or if I should just disregard it and make sure I don't put myself in similar circumstances and never let it happen again (with anyone). On one hand telling her is the honest thing to do which is something I strongly condone, but on the other hand not telling would ensure less stress for her, especially since she has some major life changing exams coming up.Know I know I should be asking myself how I let it get that far, and after some honest soul searching I came to the conclusion that I really liked the attention from my ex, the fact that she wanted me so badly and thought so highly of me. My girlfriend on the other hand has of late been under a lot of stress which in turn has led to less time in the bedroom (which used to be quite often). So should I tell her when she gets back, tell her later on, or just keep it to myself? (or any other helpful advice)
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female
reader, just a female  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 Well I think it's up to you if you decide to wait until after her exmas or to just tell her straight away. Weigh up the pros and cons of each side, but either way you need to tell her sometime. Otherwise, you will never be able to forgive yourself. This kind of stuff happens in relationships and if your relationship is strong you should give it your best shot at mending it. You have to be prepared for her to leave you though, it's a big thing to ask of her to stay with you after you did stuff with your ex of all people.hope it worlks out well for you.xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): It sounds like you are going to tell her at some point. Please wait till after her exams. That's not the kind of bomb you want to drop when someone is stressed out already. I think you can weather this with her. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): You know what you did was wrong and in my opinon what you did still counts as cheating, if it didn't you wouldn't be so worried about your girlfriend finding out.
Your girlfriend deserves to know what happened. If she can't trust you to keep your hands off other women while she's on vacation for a few weeks then she's going to find it damn hard trusting you full stop.
If you can't control yourself when drunk then don't drink.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went and jerked off.. so that's how it "shut off," (and yes that's all we did, why would I lie on here? to make myself look better in an already horrible scenario). I'm having trouble rationalizing not telling her till exams, it's either I do or I don't I can't act upbeat and great if I'm not going to keep it a secret till presents itself at another time. I'm very distraught, this is completely out of character (I haven't gone drinking since halloween, I study, hang out with my girlfriend, exercise and watch movies). I'm not trying to justify it in any way. I know what I did was wrong and immature, I'm just having trouble weighing the gravity of the situation. So as to know how to behave when she comes home. I've been cheated on before and it's the pits obviously I should've thought about it before but I didn't.... If I could go back I would, but I can't. So I have to deal with the situation in the best way possible for everyone's sake. Her feelings should definitely come before mine, I'm just trying to figure out if telling her right away is doing her a service or just myself.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 OP, I saw that you had posted this question again. In which you got a multitude of answers here.
You can try to justify this is as not cheating all you want. You can try to assure yourself that she probably cheated as well since she hasn't called you while vacationing, or that it's your girlfriend's fault that you were naked in your ex's bed due to lack of sex. Plus, you're trying to make excuses for not telling her because you seem so concerned about her exams. Well, you should have thought about that before you went back to your ex's place.
"got going and partway through the night I really came on to her, luckily enough at this point she had my back and didn't take it anywhere (we both touched each other but that's as far as it got)." Being naked and "touching" each other is still a sexual act which is cheating. I wasn't there, but I highly doubt that's all that went on seeing as you were buck naked in your ex's (who happens to want you back) bed..plus your libido started up then automatically shut off? Come on!
I feel sorry for your girlfriend, if you don't tell her I hope she finds out.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 January 2011):
You know your girlfriend the best, so only you will know how she will act if you tell her. If you do I suggest you do it after her exams.
Now, if you're going to keep it from her then you need to act naturally. Either way there's no easy way around this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right none of those excuses are valid then or now. And believe me I'm hating myself more and more each minute. I can't talk to anyone because I don't like trusting people I know with that sort of information. As for waiting till after her exams, how do I explain how my ex's birthday went when she asks? Do I run up and say I missed her and act all happy? (because either I look suspicious or I look normal) So I lie and say it went well, and her exams are barely before valentines day.. How torn up would she be if I told her? This needs to be done tactfully and maturely, which is hard when I just did the most immature thing imaginable. I'm really having trouble sleeping, thanks for all the responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): I find myself agreeing with Janniepeg. You sound scared shitless and a bit over-confessional. If you didn't have sex with her and nothing happened, use this as an opportunity to close with your ex and to commit to you girlfriend.
You did say something that really got under my skin though:
"Now my girlfriend is on vacation and will be coming back sometime this week, I haven't really heard much from her (which is strange because she usually always keeps in touch) which in turn led me to have doubts and such (all inclusive in mexico..)."
You come close to cheating and the first thing you do is assume she would be cheating too?
You do something scandalous therefore, she has to be guilty?
So in the vaccum of your girlfriend's absence, you assume the worst about her and therefore become an opportunist with your ex?
Grow up.
Take responsibility for your actions.
That said, I do think you have a chance to get out of this situation clean and I hope you do.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, just a female +, writes (30 January 2011):
hey,
ok so something happened that you regret right? well you have to move from it, while taking into consideration that what you did was extremely wrong. i know you say you were extremely drunk and things like that do happen but i agree with tennisstar if she really had your back she would not have even behaved like that. now what to do about your girlfriend... ok well assuming she doesnt already know i think the best bet about moving forward from this would be to tell her (after her exams) the longer you wait the more it will hurt, remember that. if you dont tell her trust me, it will always be on your mind, when ever you look at ur GF.guilt will get to you eventualy and what would happen if she found out from someone else? then i think you have less chance of her forgiving.
when you tell her, be calm, be reasonable. tell her that while she was gone you got extremely drunk and some things happened with a girl i didnt want, but we didnt have sex, i promise. tell her you regret it alot and really value your relationship, that i think is your best bet of stcking together. relationships get past this kind of thing, give it your best go.
xxxx
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Ah, then I was wrong about the second to last paragraph? Just how I read it.
You should already know the answer to the question. If you tell her, then any girl in her right mind would dump you. Even if she stayed with you, the relationship would be extremely rocky and short lived due to the zero trust she will have in you. So if you're looking for a particular answer, perhaps an affirmation of what you already have in mind, then that's don't tell her.
Be careful though, because scandalous secrets have a way of eventually coming out. Whether it's from you out of guilt for holding in for so long, from your ex because she didn't achieve her goal of getting you back, or from a third party observer who knows you went home with your ex.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (30 January 2011):
 I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Good luck dude.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat was the justification at the time of the incident, but I realize now what a complete twat I was. Being with my ex is nowhere on my agenda, frankly I'm apposed to us being friends anymore. Thank you for the honest feedback though. Let it be known I'm extremely extremely sorry, and I love her crazy amounts, despite the fact that I messed up big time. If there could be any advice on how I can somehow not be put in the horrible situation of her leaving that would be optimum. This really is out of character for me.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (30 January 2011):
Well, it's a little late to worry about honesty isn't it?
In a PERFECT world, one in which you KNOW 100% for certain that you really would never cheat on her again AND you KNOW you want to be with her forever... in that case I would say don't tell her.
confession is good for the soul. In other words, it relieves your guilty anxiety. Like you already recognized dumping it on her will only mess up her world. If you were gonna be faithful for the rest of your life to this girl than that guilt should stay with you as punishment forever and not be released on her like a hammer.
This world is not perfect though, and we never know what the future holds.
You should decide if you are going to stay with your gal or not.
I pretty much just reiterated what you asked. Hope that was helpful.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 January 2011):
 You should never tell her. This will be the perfect reason to cut all contacts with your ex. You need to give yourself attention. I don't know what men like to do but for me, I pamper myself with manicures, listen to music, going to shopping malls. When she comes back you need to find out whether she's using exams as an excuse to less sex and less time together. What happens when you marry her, become a father and then she says now that we are parents we don't need sex? Are you going to look outside for attention? This is going to lead to topics of future and expectations from each other. She is still very young so her libido may not be at her highest. You can tell if she really wants you and misses you after the vacation. Other things you have to find out, are you attracted to each other, are you happy with each other despite your busyness? If you want her to value you more, you better leave the past as past. Your ex really has no place in this relationship, not even in your head.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (30 January 2011):
I know it's hard but I think you should tell your girlfriend for a few reasons:
1. even if you don't, she might find out about it on her own later, like if your ex said something to someone, who said something to someone else and then somehow word got to your girlfriend. This can happen any time, anywhere, it could happen tomorrow, or next month, or a year from now, you just never know. You wouldn't want to keep this to yourself, think it's blown over, be resting easy then one day when you least expect it you get confronted by a very angry girlfriend....!!
Better that she hear it from you than from someone else. If she hears it from you now, she may believe that "nothing further happened" but if she hears it from someone else then no amount of your explaining will convince her to believe you.
2. you might accidentally say something next time you are drunk and happen to be around your girlfriend. Again, better that she hear it from you as soon as possible, than hearing it "on accident" because then nothing you say will mean anything to her and she will be extra pissed that you tried to cover it up.
3. You did mess up, after all. If you tell your girlfriend the truth and it really messes up your relationship, well that is what HAS to happen because you did do something very destructive to a relationship. You do something wrong, you need to own up to it like an adult. She needs to know you more fully and what you are "capable" of, otherwise she's living under deception... if she truly forgives you, then your relationship will be stronger for having withstood this test
4. ... and if you told her and she left you, then by not telling her and having her stay on with you, you're having something that really isn't yours to keep, if you know what I mean...
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 January 2011):
soul searching*
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 January 2011):
Maybe you and your ex are on too good of terms.
You still cheated..you were in your birthday suit in your ex's bed. If your ex had your back then she wouldn't have let you come back to her place. Plain and simple. But this was a ploy to get you back and you bought it.
The fact that this went on while your girlfriend is on vacation makes it that much worse. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in your last paragraph you almost try to justify your cheating when you say that you two are spending less time in the bedroom!
If you condone honesty, then I suggest you come clean. You never know if that night's events will get back to your girlfriend. Do your girlfriend a small favor and wait till after her exams to tell her..Also, brace yourself for a break up because I highly doubt she'll stay with you after hearing about that night.
Then you're free to do some more soul search some more with your ex.
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