A
female
age
41-50,
*uphoric29
writes:Dear agony aunts,I'm usually giving advice on this site, but some of the posts here had me rethink my dating behavior and my good friends recently hint that I might be in denial of something, so here's my story.Throughout my youth, I felt like I might be bisexual, then only fell in love with girls and came out as a lesbian with 21. Had a long and fairly happy relationship with a woman until I was 27. When we split up, I was curious to "try out" men and for the first time had sex with guys. This gave me a huge confidence blast, because all of a sudden I felt like I "belonged" to the straight world.. I could finally join in all confidential straight-girls-sex-and-the-city talks about guys, I felt more like a "real" woman, dressed more feminine and.. well, after being the little lesbian wall-flower I suddenly felt beautiful! In my lezzie times, whenever I kissed my partner in public, people would be weirded out.. but, when I was with a good-looking man, it was almost as if people would come over and congratulate me. I mean, not literally, but I'd never felt anything like public acceptance of my sexuality/romance before. I don't know if it was that, or the revelation I actually liked straight sex, that I "decided" to exclusively date men. Suddenly, people wished for me to get married and have kids, whereas before I had to fight and rant about those things to be my right.. my life just felt like a happy holiday. Now, three years after my decision, I feel confused. I've came to like men, I am dating and dating, but I always find reasons why this particular guy's not a good partner for me.. I tell everyone I desperately want a boyfriend, but I reject every guy that wants me, for more or less obscure reasons. And it happened more than once that when I'm drunk, I start to randomly make out with girls and piss off their boyfriends ;). And even if I kiss guys on the same night and could take them home, I'd always chose the random girl.. my weird dating behavior caused some of my closest friends and even my own father to hint that maybe I should go back to dating women in order to be happy? Me, I'm against it! mean, maybe I just didn't find the right guy? Maybe I'm just scared of commitment? I've always been picky, also with women. I am currently dating about the 20st guy, let's call him X, he's really nice and other women would agree he's attractive. He's also funny, polite, smart. I really like him and I enjoy flirting with him. He's really great. I know he's a catch. But last weekend I went to a concert to see a female singer and she was so beautiful that I thought "I'd sacrifice all my dates with X for just one night with her".. I was drunk and it was only a thought, but should that tell me something?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 Hey, good luck in dating. I hope you find someone wonderful, who makes you an even better person. When you are sitting in peace with yourself, I expect the right person will be attracted and you'll know it. :)
A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (25 September 2013):
Euphoric29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi dear agony aunts,
I don't know if any of you are still following this.. but I went to a lesbian/gay party last week and enjoyed it so much. Met a beautiful woman there as well and we made out :). Was really nice, though she's still in love with someone else and doesn't want to date. Anyway.. I guess I just go back to dating both sexes and see who I'll fall in love with first (most of my friends guess it's gonna be a girl). That party made me remember that even if I'm discriminated, I forgot about the happiness that lesbian life can be.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 September 2013):
 I know what you mean. I think my gf could relate to you on a lot of different levels. as I said, I'm the first woman she's ever been with and I think if we broke up, she would try to go back to men because it IS easier. I think she battles the social stigma and the issues that come along with being with a woman for the same exact reasons you did - for love. I have no doubt she loves me. But sometimes I do feel bad because I feel like it would have been easier had she never met me. That way, she would happily live in ignorant bliss as to what being with a woman is like. I feel guilty because I came into her life and threw it upside down. Now, if she stays with me, she's subjected to a life of difficulty she may never have had to face, otherwise.
She would be the first to admit that being with men is easier. The attention is never ending and you can easily find a guy. Also, as you said, the straight life style is so much easier. It really is. it must feel great to be approved of and smiled upon for your relationship. I wouldn't know what that feels like. I've never experienced a partner who's family has embraced me. It sucks. it hurts. so I'm certain that being with men feels good in the way of not having to fight society. I wish I didn't have to.
It sounds like you do have a lot of issues with men. no one can speculate if that's due to bad experiences with them or if it's just that you're not that into them. For me, personally, I've always felt a disconnect from men, also. it's not that I find them unattractive. It's that I can't emotionally connect beyond a friendship level.
I know being gay is a hard life, but remember, sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same. Not insinuating you are more into women than men, however, just throwing it out there that you did manage a 6 year relationship with a woman who you must have loved and connected to deeply. Six years is a long time. Perhaps you're just tired of fighting and after all that time with the disapproving eyes of others, the positive feedback you received for being with men convinced you that it felt right.
Anyway, I wish you the best in all that you do. :)
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (4 September 2013):
Euphoric29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear agony aunts,
Thank you so much for your answers - @anonymous, I didn't know I had a signature style until now :).
Each post has made me think about my situation.
@Tisha-1: I don't know why I think I need a life partner. Or even a steady boyfriend/girlfriend. But I guess that I'm longing for a deep emotional connection with someone, deeper than my friendships right now. Which became more shallow after I'm the only single person in my group of friends. Of course, I also want sex. But the last few times I had sex with men were so bad that I doubt if I can enjoy it anymore.
@Aunty Babbit: Yep, I must admit my view of lesbian and straight women sounds somewhat stereotypical (don't even ask about my view of men..). It's good to be reminded of that.
I guess I'm being perceived as a very feminine person. However, I don't necessarily feel feminine. I mostly feel like I'm some kind of neutral thing, and there are women and men (and I'm just something else, observing men and women). Basically, I feel like I'm attracted to men and women but I constantly doubt anyone would be attracted to me. That may also be one reason why I like male attention so much.. It's easy to get and it's like "if this straight guy is into me, that must mean I'm a woman, and since he's not that bad looking and seems to have standards, that must mean I'm attractive, too". Most of the time, I don't really want to get involved with men, I'm just happy to know I could get involved with one if I wanted to.
@ihavetoomanythoughts: I've been having issues with men because in my youth I've always been warned about guys and that they'd only want sex from me. I then experienced sexual harassment several times and it left me with a lot of fear and anger and seemed to confirm everything I'd been told in the first place. I've tried to work on this in therapy but I still don't know if I can deal with a man in a relationship - or if I even want that. I find men attractive but there's still some emotional disconnection and I really can't tell if that's because I'm not into men, or because I still suffer the consequences of some minor but shitty past experiences.
@llifton: Thanks for understanding :). I used to have a very thick skin, but I guess that after the separation from my ex, I saw no particular reason why I should put up with the stigma anymore. I did that for us, for our love. The fact that we split up made me feel like I could never love another woman anymore. I guess it made me want to reinvent myself and start a new life.
Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Dear OP,No need to remind that you're usually giving advice on this site. We all recognize you through your trademark style of beginning with 'Dear OP, (enter, enter)'
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (3 September 2013):
As a gay woman myself, my advice to you would be this:
Stop analyzing your sexuality so much. people don't have to black or white. You don't have to limit your attraction and love to just one of the sexes. You can love sex with men for one reason and sex with women for another. And its not weird behavior. You just like what you like and prefer what you prefer.
My girlfriend has never dated a woman before. I'm her first everything with a female. and we both have discussed this. Sue doesn't think she would ever date another woman if we didn't work out. she doesn't know for sure, but that's her feeling at this time. However, she's completely in love with me and while she's with me, I have absolutely no doubt that she's not missing a man and wanting to be with one. We are giving it a go and if it works, it works. we will get married, have the white picket fence and little ones running around. She just wants to be happy, regardless of whether that person is a man or woman.
You are absolutely right - The straight works is completely different than the gay world. Kissing your straight partner on the street or holding hands is rewarded and approved of. Smiled upon. Doing the same exact thing with your girlfriend of the same sex is frowned upon and disliked. it's hard being gay sometimes. And it is something many straight people take for granted. they can introduce their partners to parents and grandparents and cousins, etc. and every one is all smiles. But many families don't embrace the same sex partner the way they do the opposite sex partner. It takes growing a thick skin and I often wish I didn't have to deal with some of the disapproval that I get.
If I were you, I'd just do what made me happy and roll with the punches. Date a man if he makes you happy. And if you are attracted to a woman, date a woman. and just see how it goes. one day, perhaps the man or woman of your dreams will come along and you'll have your own fairytale ending. I just wouldn't try to hard to label yourself. love is love. No latter who it's with. Follow your heart. :)
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Maybe you like men a lot less then you think, instead, liking the acceptance that you get for being in a heterosexual relationship instead of a homosexual one.
If you find yourself gravitating towards women instead of men, don't hold yourself back. It sounds like you've got a supportive group of family and friends, so you should now consider what is best for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Well obviously you like both genders but just haven't met the right person for you yet.
I do notice that you seem to be separating both sexual preferences though.
When you're "straight" you like being feminine and girly and like the dream of the wedding day and having babies which you feel is socially acceptable.
When you're in a "lesbian" role you take on a more masculine aspect of yourself and feel you have to battle for social acceptance.
The problem isn't society it's you accepting and understanding what you want.
Whether you choose boy or girlfriend doesn't matter, but before you can commit to any relationship you must truly discover who you are.
Are you a girly girl? Do you like the feminine role? then choose it and be yourself, any partner (male or female) must accept you.
This is only my opinion but you seem to have a slightly stereotypical view of lesbians and straight women and behave accordingly depending which relationship you're in.
The only difference between straight and lesbian women is the gender they're attracted too. They're hopes and dreams of the future are as similar and varied as anyone else.
When you accept yourself and know who you really are you will meet someone and be content.
Stop trying to live up to a social stereotype and be yourself.
Lesbian, straight or bi, it doesn't matter, choose your destiny and be happy.
I hope this helps a little AB x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 September 2013):
Hi Euphoric. I think that when you stop trying to do things that make other people happy, such as dating guys you don't really like all that well, and start paying attention to what makes you happy, you'll figure it out.
As for X, well, I think your ranking of him in that way suggest that he's not your lifelong partner.
Let me ask you this. Why do you think you need a life partner? Or even a steady boyfriend or girlfriend?
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