A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey, im 16 and i have a question regarding my ex whos 19. we broke up back in november and then he found out he was moving a few states away so we started talking and hanging out and just being with each other until he had to leave in january. well out relationship was very rocky and he was very mean to me. he would blow me off, let his friends harass me and call me names, and was never there for me when i needed him. well he told me he was coming back here to visit me and i told him not to come because i had a boyfriend who i loved being with. he got very upset and called me crazy and told me my boyfriend was controlling me. he said he missed me so much and he was coming back just to see me and that i was perfect for him... then he said we would never be together because he wouldnt do long distance. so i said ok and we stopped talking for about 2 weeks. then my boyfriend broke up with me and i figured id try to reconcile with my ex. he said he didnt care about me and that i ruined it and to go away so i obliged. he then txtd me a few days later apologizing and saying he was drunk and didnt know what he was saying. he asked me to send him sexy videos of myself and i refused. a few days after that he asked for videos again and i refused. he said "the deal" was that he would talk to me again if i sent them and i was not holding up my end of the bargain. i said "goodbye then. im not your bitch". he responded with "You are my bitch watch you come back to me again like you always do". i am very hurt by this. i know i still have feelings for him but i am feeling so used. i have never in my life been told that i "belong" to someone as property basically. i look back on our relationship and i am seeing things i did not see then..... i think he was abusive.... he pressured me to have sex and when i didnt want to he would act upset and make me feel bad then when id cry becaus he would call me names he would hug and kiss and comfort me. he kept me away from friends and would be furious and then ignore me if i ever asked who he was with or where he was going... he always criticized my body and ALWAYS told me i was "stupid" and "weak". he is a very big guy, 6 foot 4 very muscular about 230 lbs and i am 5 foot 115lbs. was he abusive and is he trying to regain control over me even tho he doesnt want a relationship and he is so far away? please help. thank you!
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 I'm sorry to say this but at the moment you are his "bitch" and you are allowing him to use you. What on earth made you want to reconcile with this jerk? He is a complete waste of space and you should never speak to this guy again, let alone think it would be a good idea to reconcile with him!
Here's my take on your situation:
You sound like a bright and caring young girl, who at 16 is clever and articulate but at the same time a little naieve and too willing to please other people. Your ex is 19 and abusive, he knew you were young enough to easily take advantage of you and that is exactly what he did. He has manipulated you, controlled you and degraded you yet you still keep on going back for more. And the reason why? Because you dont know any better. I am guessing he was one of your first serious relationships, and one of the first guys you really cared about.
So you found a great new guy but it didnt work out, and you felt alone and missed having a boyfriend. So you went back to what is familiar - not because it was a good idea but you knew he still had some sort of feelings for you so you wanted to go back to that. And this pretty much takes us to your present situation - where you are feeling used and dont know why you are a) putting up with it and b) why he treats you this way.
Basically this guy is a jerk - there is not a lot else to say about him. He is immature, selfish, controlling and abusive. He is not a good person to have in your life, simple as that. The reason he treats you like this is because he knows he can - as he said, you keep on going back to him so he knows he can treat you like dirt, walk all over you yet you will always go back for more. He wants these videos of you purely for his own sick entertainment - he wants to see what he can make you do, and then obviously get off on them while he has no girlfriend to use for sex in the mean time.
You still have feelings for him because you are young and your early relationships are often the hardest to get over - this is totally normal. But what you need to do now is accept that you have these feelings and they wont go away for a while, but the most important thing to do is remove this guy from your life. Dont even message him to say you dont want to talk to him etc - just delete his number, his email address, remove him from Facebook, Myspace etc. Make sure you have no way of contacting him, and I even suggest ringing up your cell phone company and blocking his number from contacting you. Men who are so controlling like him at an early age are often the ones who go on to physically harm women in the future, and I dont want you to be at risk of getting hurt by him if he ever does come and pay you a "visit". So by blocking him from contacting you he wont be able to get at you any more, and I really think you should do this to help yourself get over him and put yourself out of harms way. This guy sounds like he could be dangerous, due to his size and his behaviour so dont keep a man like that in your life.
I think you are slowly realising how bad this guy is for you, and how he treated you terribly in your relationship. So time to move on now, and dont let him control you anymore. Keeping him in your life will only allow him to keep on controlling you and abusing you, and this has to stop NOW. So get rid once and for all, you can do so much better!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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