A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm friendly and cordial to this co worker who works in the same department with me,just like everyone else. He got my number from the office so he texts me outside work when he wants to exchange shifts.However,lately he has been been sending me random texts that were harmless.Yesterday he randomly send me a pic of his car dashboard with the number of kilometres on it because we were having conversation about it ealier during our shifts.He asked for mine in return ,to which i send him.Then he send me selfie of himself and told me to keep it for myself.I found it odd and my alarm bells started ringing but i brushed it off as it seemed innocent. He asked for mine and I sent him.Then he sent another pic of himself and this time he asked for sexy pic of myself...in panties and bra.I didnt feel comfortable with this so I declined.He kept messaging and kept sending his pics then he said he is kinda didgging me .I ignored these texts and i told him I had to start work at my second job.He texted me after work asking how my shift was.I didn't respond to the text.He texted me again the following day which was this morning and said hey.I responded and apolozed for for not responding to him last night and told him I was just getting up. Then he asked if I was still in my pjs and if I sleep with shirts and panties.I ignored this text and told him that I'm not comfotable with the direction things are going since he is married and I don't want to cross that line .Would prefer we keep it strictly professional. Please don't talk to me like that"He apologized and said he didn't mean to cross the line.Will these cause tension at work? I was trying to avoid confrontation
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): You almost seem to feel it's your fault somehow that someone made improper advances at you. NO NO NO!!! By no means did you do anything wrong, or anything to invite that kind of inappropriate behavior.
All you have to be is female, and somewhat friendly, shy, or low-key. Even more assertive Alpha-female types have a tough-time putting very aggressive males in their place. You learn as you go; and get better with practice. You'll always encounter a tough one.
Please don't allow male-workers to make you feel you have to be paranoid, timid, or always on the defensive. Deal with unwanted advances if, when, or as they occur. There are no advance preparations or preventive-measures; because it's usually done without warning, in order to catch you off-guard. These are unexpected incidental events; that you have nightmares about.
You are a young woman as well; so sometimes it takes a little experience to learn how to fend-off unwanted passes. These guys are usually bold; because they presume you will be intimidated, and not want to cause any kind of trouble or disturbance at work. Hoping you'd be too embarrassed or shy to report what happened to you. Yes, sometimes they think they've got you figured-out; or they're so drunk on their own testosterone they can't see straight. They pounce on women like wild beasts.
Just be firm and rigid when any man makes a pass or inappropriate-advance you don't appreciate. Straighten and stiffen your body (body-language reinforces your words); and use your most firm and assertive voice to inform him he's out of line, or simply say: "Let's keep our communications businesslike and professional at all times, please!" " Sir, this is my workplace; and I don't appreciate that sort of approach when I'm just here to do my job!"
Don't pick-up calls you can't identify on your caller-ID; and don't engage in conversation, hang-up immediately if you pickup without thinking. Calmly confront your colleague or coworker in-person to inform him that you do not want personal-contact at your private number. You will report any future attempts.
Your co-worker was unbelievably bold. He is very lucky he doesn't work under my management. He'd be on the street faster than you can blink!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 May 2018):
 Being nice doesn't mean you "invite" people to be inappropriate with you.
So, no OP this isn't your fault AT ALL.
You can't control how others behave. All you can control is how YOU act and behave. So if in the future someone else crosses a line you do not want crossed, shut it down ASAP.
You did fine, OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt appears he got the message and has left me alone since our last texts exchange.What said to him was pretty straight forward. Not sure how I was suppose to phrase itIn addition,I tried ignoring him the first time hoping he will stop when he sees I'm not engaging.I didn't want to create an awkward environment at work.I eventually to shut him down when I saw he wasn't getting the hint and there was no way out it.Looking back,I should have just shut it off sonner when he started sending me his selfies. This it the first time a co worker has been out of line but it's not the first time a co worker has shown intrest in me.I generally don't like to get involved with co workers as it ruins the workplace environment. I don't like being put in position where I have to reject someone advances in a workplace.How can I avoid this in the future?Should I stop communicating with men at work unless it's work related?I'm naturally a nice person so I don't know if that gives then a green light ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2018): If he continues, you will have to confront him. You should report inappropriate advances to your Human Resources Dept.; if your job is a fully-structured and well-organized workplace.
Depending on your culture and the ethics or rules of conduct on your job; you should not be so boldly approached by any man. Especially; someone you work with, or work for.
Hopefully your response and reaction was enough. It was a bit too mild or intimidated. When a man is out of line; you have to be forceful and assertive. Being demure or frightened will sometimes embolden the aggressor; and his unwanted-advances could only become more vigorous.
Block his number, or change yours. Insist that your personal phone number not be released to anyone at your job. They had no right to release personal-contact information.
Don't exchange messages or respond to communications from people who weren't given your permission to contact you. If he got your number or personal-information from anyone but you, or without your permission; that isn't innocent. It's forward and intrusive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): Another idiot man.How many?Too many?Did he not feel that you were just being cordial and friendly? And now my poor girl you have to be so much more aware of this mans advancements that he is inflicting on you. I don't feel that you are being a "prick tease" or being anything other than a co-worker who wants to get on with the employees. I could be wrong (sorry) you might fancy him. But you are consciously talking of his wife as if you care that he is being a prick. So I assume he is upsetting you with his piece of shit ways. A decent man wouldn't do this. he took your friendliness and distorted it into sexualness that he requires you to adhere to.You don't - obviously - and there now may be tension because heeeee has taken it too far. Keep the texts and keep what you sent here (because you are obviously concerned) just in case you have problems.You will be helped!No more crap!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 Well handled.
I would suggest that, going forward, you do not respond to ANY texts he sends you which are not work related. Fine if he is messaging you about changing shifts, etc, but definitely NOT fine asking about anything personal. And definitely NOT fine asking for pics, whether "innocent" selfies or otherwise. In your shoes I would ignore any future texts which cross the work/personal line. He will soon get the message.
In the meantime, I would act exactly the same as you have been doing towards him. Be pleasant and friendly, but do not cross the work/personal line. Be consisted, refuse to enter into personal conversation with him, and he should eventually get the message.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 May 2018):
 You did well setting him straight.
If he continues any further I would make it clear that I wouldn’t be afraid to take this matter to HR and file a complaint. Call records of all messages and stick to your guns that he needs to stop.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2018):
He was definitely trying to start something. To push your boundaries.
The whole "innocent" picture, then a selfie, then "demand" for naughty" selfies... It kind of shows how disrespectful he is.
I think you did VERY WELL in setting boundaries, though I think instead of IGNORING these INAPPROPRIATE texts you NEED to nip it in the bud RIGHT away. You have him a bit too much "free passes" before you shut him down. However, you DID shut him down.
Will it cause tension? It might, but here is the thing YOU DID NOTHING wrong. HE did. And he knows it.
So KEEP being professional, and if he starts ANY shenanigans again - BLOCK his number. If there is no need for him to text you outside work.
Hopefully he will act with more professionalism and respect.
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