A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has told me a few times that the years he was with his ex wife he was miserable and it was the worst time in his life (we have been together two years, they divorced over ten years ago)The other day while I was driving I asked him if he had ever suffered from depression and he said yes and stated the time which was a few years after he had split from her. I asked him if he was not depressed when he was with her and he said no. So now I feel that he was lying when he said how unhappy he was with her and it was the worst period of his life, how could it be if he said he wasnt depressed but was a few years later when his friend committed suicide and he lost a good job he had?
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depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Hi female anon here
I'm glad that I could help a little. It sounds like torture, what you're putting yourself through. Why do you feel as if you're not enough, when he reassures you and tells you he loves you?
I think therapy would be the way to go. No-one here can tell you why you feel that you're not enough.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Thank you all and especially female anon, you are correct. I do have a nagging voice telling me I'm not good enough and he wont be happy or happier with me, it's a constant battle trying to not think negatively.
I love him, I feel he is the one and he says the same but I do compare his past life to ours and look at signs he was happier with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 I don't think you will EVER get past him having had a marriage and a wife before dating you.
I think you "suffer" from Retroactive Jealousy.
(here is some info about that)
https://psychcentral.com/blog/retroactive-jealousy-vs-regular-jealousy-in-a-relationship/
You KEEP digging at his past like it's IMPORTANT. IT isn't.
If SHE was still important to him, he would have KEPT her in his life. HE isn't.
How he felt while with her, is again, IRRELEVANT, it's IN THE past. THAT was then, this is now.
If you can't let go of his past, you NEED to let HIM go. This is toxic and unhealthy for BOTH of you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 June 2019):
 Are you trying to catch him out by asking these questions? I ask because that is what it sounds like. You sound like one of those "personality tests" that asks the same question in slightly different ways to see if the answer matches.
Why could someone not go through a really bad time without being depressed? Maybe he was mentally stronger at that time. Maybe the friend's death and losing a good job was what pushed him over the edge. Maybe this is none of your business and you should stop trying to catch him out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): No I'm not trying to make him depressed, I just struggle to differentiate between saying you was deeply unhappy but not depressed. He described his own relationship that way. I very much want the best for him and want him to be happy but we are talking past tense
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): Maybe when he was with his ex wife, it was worse than when he felt depressed?
Maybe the time spent with his ex wife was longer than the depression and so therefore felt as if it was the worst time of his life.
Maybe these expressions of his aren't exactly corresponding to your interpretations of them?
Maybe having two difficult times in his life at the same time i.e. losing his job and his friend, made things harder for him to cope with and he sank in to depression. But with his wife, he just wasn't happy or fulfilled, but not depressed?
I could go on and on with these speculations. And I expect you could too, if you wanted to try to find a way to understand your boyfriend, instead of leaping to the conclusion that he is lying to you, that he had a really great time with his ex-wife, but chose to lie to you about it. That he loved her more than he loves you and therefore had to lie about it?
Do you see what's happening here? It sounds as if you have terrible insecurity. As if you think your boyfriend couldn't possibly love you as much as he loved his ex wife and so lied about the relationship. Otherwise, what is there to worry about here really?
A couple of phrases that don't match to incidents like you think they should and therefore....your world falls apart. You start suspecting that he's lying about his relationship with his ex wife, when probably he just isn't as pedantic about phrasing things so consistently and correctly as you are.
The thing to concentrate on here, is why do you go to the worst possible scenario in a case where, really, there's nothing to answer?
Are you happy together? Do you love each other?
I would be very careful about brooding on irrelevant details like this, if you don't want to scare your boyfriend away.
It doesn't sound as if your boyfriend has anything to hide and so this kind of speculation and questioning from you will make him worry who he's getting involved with.
I have done the same as you.
I have leaped to ridiculous conclusions about scenarios with boyfriends. But I have kept them to myself because I am too proud to sound bothered. And, then, when I suddenly realised the innocence of it, because they just weren't as pedantic as me about language and the way they phrased things, was I GLAD I never said a word, because they would have seen how insecure and mental I would have sounded had I said anything.
Concentrate on the here and now and what you and your boyfriend have together. If it's good, don't ruin it with daft speculation. Get some counselling too, to help you with your low self esteem and insecurity.
Do your boyfriend and yourself a favour and don't mention your thoughts on this. Live life in the here and now and if what you both have is good together, then enjoy it. Don't ruin it with paranoia.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): Sad does not equal depressed. Unhappy doesn't equal depressed. Depression is clinical and often chronic. Unhappiness is situational. And why is this relevant now??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): Why is it any of your business what your boyfriend felt about his ex-wife? It seems you're drumming-up drama just for the sake of creating it! He divorced her 10 years ago! How is that relevant now?
Why are you even digging-up his past,and attempting to catch him in a lie? It's one thing to be inquisitive about things that are directly effecting your relationship; but just digging around for reasons to fight makes no sense.
If he was depressed about something that happened years ago
is irrelevant. Are you trying to trigger his depression and bring it back, or just looking for a reason to make him a liar?
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