A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a marriage and I’m very very happy with my husband we’ve been together for the past 20 years, we decided that due to our own dysfunctional upbringings we would create a wonderful loving safe environment for us and our children to live in and I’m happy to say we’ve achieved that.. the problem is we’ve stopped being lovers and we’ve become best friends, because of a medical issue with him he can’t have sex without a lot of planning and often he just isn’t interested, but I am I feel young and alive still, so yes I turned outside of my marriage and had a very passionate affair with an old school friend who’s in much the same position as me he was in a happy marriage with no intimacy, every time I see him I feel awful towards my husband my kids, his family etc but we’ve struggled to stop because the chemistry between us is so strong (something we’ve never experienced with anyone before) but when I saw him the last time (we’ve been seeing each other for 5 years) I properly ended things and I won’t go back I want to be a good wife and mum, the trouble is I’m heartbroken, beyond heartbroken and I can’t tell anyone.. my husband thinks I am poorly as I go to bed to sob... it’s taken ending things to realise I love my lover very much he’s the love of my life but as much as I love him, I don’t want to leave my husband, how do you move on with your life when your in so much pain? If I told my husband he’d leave me... infidelity isn’t an acceptable solution for him, we’ve been to counselling to address the non sexual stuff and I just have to accept we have differing sexual drives.
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affair, best friend, heartbroken, infidelity, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Lanyan987  +, writes (1 September 2019):
I think seeing a sex therapist might be in order. There may be things that can be done or other methods to try. His tongue works, doesn't it? If your husband can't satisfy you sexually, then you should ask permission to have an affair, or ask for divorce.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2019): It wasn't premeditated the first time you started flirting. Every time after that you planned it by carrying on.
The consequence is telling him OP, not feeling guilty. He deserves to know. It's not about being self-righteous because everyone deserves to know if they can't trust their partner not to cheat. It's also not an open relationship that he consents to, so the anon advising you keep cheating is on the wrong site. Cheating is betrayal and people deserve to be with people they can trust not to cheat.
You're unhappy and that's a valid reason to leave, but not to cheat. Now leaving should be up to him because you already made your choice and you need to give him his by telling him the truth.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019): I can't remember exactly who said this (some religious figure I think) - but he quoted if everyone lived SELFLESS lives instead of SELFISH lives there would be a lot less pain in the world. Never have truer words been spoken.
It is the act of self indulgence that has led to your pain and loss, rather than trying to see things from your husband's point of view and compromise. I don't mean to be harsh here as we are all guilty of a little self indulgence - but when you take on the vow of marriage you agree to 'in sickness and in health' - otherwise you shouldn't bother with the marriage at all and just cohabit until someone better comes along.
You will miss him as that is the situation that has now occurred. You are just going to have to let time heal your self inflicted pain, I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Jesus, the self righteous brigade are really in fine form today.
Look, you fell for a guy you were having an affair with. To be quite honest it sounds like you aren't happy with your husband, he's just a friend. Marraige isn't for mates. Even if you don't get back with your lover, you aren't in love with your husband. I know you say sex is difficult but I think if you're being honest with yourself that's not just it, because there's more to marraige than sex. You must be missing something else in your marraige as well because you weren't just looking for sex off this other man, you had a whole relationship.
You can keep trying to stick it out in a marraige that isn't working and still be thinking about this ten years from now or you can do both of you a favour and end it and let him move on. Sometimes I think people talk about not wanting to hurt their partner by breaking up with them, but stayiing with them out of pity, not love, is a much crueler thing to do. It says you don't respect them. You don't have to tell him about hte affair, that's probably going to cause unneccessary pain, but you should consider whether this marraige is ever going to work again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): I am not hurt by your words and I guess i deserve the pain I feel, he’s stopped the sex in the marriage not me, he could take viagra but he refuses too... I don’t have a say in our sexual life. I don’t leave because I love him and because of the stability of our family (yes I’m aware I’ve compromised that safety) but I didn’t set out to hurt anyone this wasn’t all premeditated. I wanted someone to want me but realising that’s selfish I ended things.. but ultimately my penance is pain then and by the sound of it it’s nothing less than I deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): I want to add that we all try not to be too hard on the OP. I think she is well aware of the impact of what she has done. I wanted to give her some food for thought; but I do not wish my words to be so harsh that they are crushing. I want the words to appeal to your conscience, not to hurt you in any way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): Cheating on your spouse is never excusable. I don't care how we try to dress-up and rationalize the things we do that we know are wrong...wrong is wrong! Had you discovered your husband was cheating on you, we'd be reading a whole different tale of woe!
We live in a society that calls lies truth, and truth lies. What is wrong is right, and what is right is wrong. It all depends on how you want to look at it; and what benefit you can milk from it. NO...the truth is always the truth, and what is wrong is always wrong; and it's a lie when you hide the truth.
What you did IS forgivable; but that is up to your husband to decide, considering he is your spouse and the one you made your vows to. It's easy for us to self-righteously judge you; but everyone with a rational-mind knows right from wrong. You promised to forsake all others for your husband. Your vows were not made with disclaimers; or under conditional/negotiable-terms. Or, were they?
Vows are taken as a heartfelt promise to your mate. In sickness and in health, through wealth or poverty; you will remain true and faithful. Well, your husband became sexually-incapacitated; and your remedy was cheating. Now you're so heartbroken and hurt?!!
Who is the fool and unwitting-victim of betrayal in this situation? Your husband, who loves and stands by you in his ignorance; and by-way of his trust that has become unjustified.
You went further than just making a mistake. You took it to a full-blown affair. Now you believe your lust to be love? The man in your house is your husband; not your boyfriend or a border.
If it's love, you have reason to divorce and free yourself. Not pretend to love your husband, and selfishly enjoy the benefits of a good man and a pretense of a faithful-marriage.
God forgives all things, provided we are sincere and ask to be forgiven. You have confessed to us, and I hope it gives you some comfort; until you make some sort of decision. The truth will either be confessed, or it will surface on its own. Your husband knows your tears are not for him, or anything he has done to you. They are the crocodile-tears of guilt, I'm afraid.
For the moment, your heartbreak and pain is some form of restitution to your husband and marriage.
You will get over your lover; or you'll confess to your husband. Allowing him the choice to divorce you, or to forgive you. Your tears for another man in your husband's bed is so very unfortunate and inappropriate, my dear.
Give it time. You'll either tell the truth, or he'll discover it. Guilt has a way of exposing the truth; even when you think you're an expert at hiding it.
I think you should confess, and let the chips fall where they may. It will crush your husband, perhaps. How much worse would it be for him to discover the truth on his own? Then any chance of his forgiveness will probably bet lost. I guess your love is stronger for yourself and your lover, and confession is unlikely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): I'm 71 and had major surgeries. I go to the gym 4 days a week, have sex like a college kid often. I take a half of a Viagra just before sex. If he can't plan ahead a little, don't feel bad having a lover do what he should be doing. We were born to have sex, that's why you are here, I'm here, your kids are here. My wife had an affair 20 years ago. Not a big deal, sort of liked that devil in her. Call your buddy back up, get your game on, Cowgirl.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 June 2019):
 OP, you’re not in a very happy and loving place with your husband. If you were, you wouldn’t have cheated for FIVE YEARS. You also wouldn’t be calling someone else the “love of your life”. I’m truly sorry that your husband’s medical condition means very little intimacy, but that does not excuse your betrayal when he thought you were faithful to him. What about your kids? If/when they find out what you did? What would you say if one of them eventually came to you and said they’d cheated or been cheated on?
Get some counselling, OP. Then own up to your husband. You can NOT take away his CHOICE of being married to someone who cheated. Once you cheated, it’s not up to you whether he should know or not. It’s not FAIR to him if you don’t tell him. He DESERVES to know.
OP, you aren’t meant to stay with your husband if you’re going to be this miserable about the sexual issues. He can find someone who loves him without much sex and you can find someone who loves you and have a better sex life.
Once you cheated, it stopped being your choice whether you stay together or not, unless you decide to leave. It’s his because he was the one who was betrayed. He DESERVES to know and part of the consequences of cheating is owning up to it.
The rest of your relationship will be a lie unless you tell him. It’s not fair to keep it from him and for him to be worried about you without knowing why. If you truly care about him, you need to tell him.
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