A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wrote last week about going on holiday to see my partner's family and the fact that we had to keep to schedule and had no time alone even though I was ill. I appreciate everyone's advice. Some said I should have my own staycation meaning stay at home and relax but I do that at home because I am studying and working only three days a week. Others said take my own vacation but I can't because every extra penny goes towards going to see his family abroad. Tonight I spoke to him and he said maybe I should be on my own because he doesn't want me to be unhappy or isolate him which I obviously don't do. But he wants me to move to his country and that means because I don't have a family of my own (no mother, father, grandparents, aunt's, uncles or anything) that that means I have no choice but to spend every special occasion or holiday with his family or spend it alone. I'm trying so hard but I feel like because I don't have a family it means my time is meaningless. Normal couples split time and responsibilities. He said to me maybe one day he won't come home. This makes me sad because it makes me feel like I can only be with someone who has no family like myself. I will never be number one. I don't want to be the only thing in someone's life. I wish I had a family too but I dont. I love his family but I'd like to have some say in how we spend our holidays and time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2019): You talk about how miserable you were in his country so why on earth would you want to move there.If you just got sick from being there on just vacation imagine how it would be living there.And the way he says if you do not go he might not come back is just emotional blackmail and it is abuse.Sadly I think you are going to do it and be so unhappy and stuck.It is sad you cannot see all the red flags right in front of your face.You know you are a good person and can do much better.There really is no excuse for abuse in any situation.I just hope so much that his country is not a place where women have no rights and are treated worse than dogs.Please listen to us .
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): Look love no matter how hopeless your situation might be and how hopeless your life look but you and only you have the key to turn it around and make it better. I am astonished that you say you dont have any relatives you must have some relatives unless you were given to an orfanage at very young age. Even then you must have some friends you can trust. Anyway my advice is first you must have faith in yourself and have confidance in your self. You must say to your self I must and can change my life to the better and with that resolve you must get a job so you can support your self independent of your bf who I am sorry to say does not care much for you. Surely you can work as a waitress in a cafe. That does not require much skillto do. Try to make friends with others and have at least one best friend on whom you can rely. Once you manage to support yourself financially and you have friends you can trust dump your bf. You deserve better than him. Let him go back to his muma.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): I’ve no family either and I too feel very lost about what to do during holidays. I don’t think anywhere near enough understanding is given to people left with no family - it’s not a matter of just latching onto someone else’s and magically fitting in, it doesn’t work like that and you shouldn’t be judged for it.
I think it might be worth getting some counselling so that you can get more of an understanding of how the lack of family affects you. I know from experience it can make you very vulnerable to getting caught up in unhealthy relationships because fear of being utterly alone can be overwhelming at times and the constant reminders in a daily level that everyone else has family and you don’t can be hard to bear.
I do agree holidays are tricky with no family but I also think things like this - or like father day or mother’s day for example - can trigger a lot of dark thoughts and feelings and although it’s not quite logical we can end up very self critical as a result.
Would your college where you study offer counselling ? Most colleges do have some sort of support service like this. It may be a bit basic but it would be a step in the right direction.
Honestly, I wish someone would invent lovely holidays for women with no families
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2019): If you had your say in what you'd do for holidays, tell us where you would want to go and/or what you would do?
It's unfortunate that you have no family. Unless you're an orphan, or come from a war-torn country where all your family-members were casualties. I don't know why everyone sharing your DNA no longer exists? Have you bothered to search for family? Checked public records for people with your surname?
You are only in your 30's; and I suspect that you've decided to depart from your family and wish to have nothing more to do with them. Unless you wish to reiterate or offer more backstory on what happened to every known member of your family. I have some reason to doubt your situation is a dire as you claim; unless you provide some details as to why you have not a single family-member. Perhaps I missed your original posting.
He can't help that you have no family, but he does have a family. He loves his family, and returning to his country is what most people do who have migrated from their home-country to live in another. My suspicion is that you haven't offered him much of a suggestion; and if it means he can't see his family or go home, I guess your suggestions are a no-go! Especially if your financial-resources are limited; and he only gets to see his family once or a few times a year. That means his reason for travel is not just a vacation, it's going home!
You are apparently dependent on his income; so he gets to decide what he does with his money, and where to go on vacations. You get to benefit if you're invited. If you're not happy and ungrateful for his generosity; you have every right to become independent and to fend for yourself. He's not your husband, he's just a boyfriend. He can't stop you from going anyplace you want to go, or doing whatever you wish to do.
It is most unfortunate that you have no family. If another family reaches out to you; accept their offer graciously. It is a kind gesture to be adopted by a family; who shows you affection and inclusiveness.
I think you are a little self-centered and a little too into your self-pity. You want him to suffer for your sake? What would it prove? I guess he won't, and he has suggested that if you keep complaining; you'll find yourself complaining alone.
You're a student on a budget. If for now your only vacations are visits to see your boyfriend's family, then so be it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2019):
 Wow, talk about rubbing it in that you don't have a family!
What does having a family have to do with anything?
A vacation is about so many MORE things than JUST seeing family. Seeing new places, meeting new people, trying new food, seeing new art, a new beach, basilica, ruin, mountain top WHATEVER, the people on vacation WANT it to be.
Do you even WANT to live in his country? And give up your own? Family or no family?
I think he is being unfair and using manipulation to get his way. The whole "maybe one day I won't come home", I mean seriously? That is a scare tactics for you to tow the line and do what HE wants.
While I DO get he ONLY gets to see his family that ONE time a year, HE also decided to LIVE aboard away from them.
I think it was good that you talked to him. Because it showed you part of him you may not have knows.
He says he doesn't want YOU to isolate HIM, but HOW would you feel living in his country without being fluent in the language and integrated in the culture? WITH absolutely NO family to support you, just him and his?
YOU aren't married.
What you want is not important to him. You are not important to him.
He could have compromised and said, well, why don't we NEXT year take a few days out of the schedule and find a place where WE (the two of you) can just chill and enjoy the country side). HE CHOSE not to.
Where is he from, OP?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2019):
 OP, you don’t have to be with someone with no family; you have to be with someone who’s family is in the UK and who doesn’t want to move to another country. You’re just not compatible with your partner in terms of future plans and now he’s threatening to leave because you want a bit of holiday time to yourself.
He NEEDS to see his family as often as he can and possibly move back there. That is okay, but is not what you want, which is also okay. You’re not going to last, OP. Most people’s families will still be in the UK, so visiting them is much easier and doesn’t need to use up all of your holiday time or money. Most people also won’t expect you to see their family when you’re genuinely ill.
You’re old enough now to know that having to “be with someone with no family” isn’t a rational thought. I am sorry you don’t have family, but it doesn’t mean you have to be with someone who’s family lives in another country or has no family at all. You’re focusing too much on holidays, but it’s more than that. What do you think it would be like if you moved to his country with him?
As hard as it will be to start with, break up. This relationship is getting dragged out and wasting time for both of you. Be single for 6+ months until you’ve healed. Find a guy who has family in the UK and doesn’t expect or want to spend every holiday with them because he can see them throughout the year without using up holiday time and money.
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