A
female
age
41-50,
*ryingToMovingOn
writes:I started dating my ex husband when I was 15, he was the only guy I dated. We got married shortly after high school and had five kids together. I love him but neither of us were really in love with each other for years but we had kids and we were comfortable together. This summer I realized that I wanted more for a relationship and we separated. Dating has been rough. I never really dated before. Being with only one person I was uncomfortable being in the dating scene. I recently met a guy that I’m actually comfortable with, he’s really sweet and fun and we get along great. He is a divorced dad with two older sons. But I find myself even as an adult worried about what others will think. He’s 17 years older then I am. I don’t want comments or questions I just want to be able to be happy. A few friends have made comments , they know I’m dating but nothing more. They have made comments on the fact that my kids have already met him. My theory was if he had no connection with my kids then there was no reason for us to continue seeing each other. They met him as my friend and my oldest knows we are dating but that’s it. He doesn’t sleep over or anything like that. Am I wrong for letting him meet them so soon
View related questions:
divorce, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (26 January 2018):
 OP, you didn't plan on dating this soon either. You asked a question and I've given you the overview most psychologists seem to give, that's all. Revolving door or not, your younger children have no understanding of why a man they may become attached to suddenly disappears - that's why it's advised to delay meetings with children until your dating has been established for a while first.
A
female
reader, TryingToMovingOn +, writes (26 January 2018):
TryingToMovingOn is verified as being by the original poster of the question eyeswideopen I 100% agree with you on the not dating thing. I had never planned to date for a few years. But once I was in the position things changed. I think it’s differnet because we were kinda prepared for the separation. Even though we didn’t officially do it until recently we were preparing ourselves for it. We knew in our hearts it was coming and prepared for it subconsciously before we really even talked about it. I have worked on myself the past year of marriage, I had things in line before I approached my ex, then we made plans for a month to make sure things were less stressful on the kids before he moved out.
If this relationship doesn’t work out for what ever reason, I don’t plan on dating for a while so there won’t be a revolving door of men coming into their lives.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 January 2018):
It's not just a harm thing, but a "revolving door" of men thing. Say you let him meet them a few more times and it doesn't work out? How will your youngest 3 understand?
Children tend to get attached to family friends, which is why it's recommended by psychologicists to wait until you have a better idea of how it's going.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 January 2018):
 You are just separated from your husband, not divorced. This is the time you should be focusing on what effects the pending divorce is going to have on the children's lives as well as your own. A very important time of adjustment. The time to introduce boyfriends to your children is after, long after, you have divorced their father.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (25 January 2018):
You know your kids. You know this guy. You are the best judge of when to introduce someone to them.
...............................
A
female
reader, TryingToMovingOn +, writes (25 January 2018):
TryingToMovingOn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess comfortable wasn’t the best word to use, he makes me feel like I can be myself. I was nervous when my husband and I separated I was nervous about the fact that I was now a single mom of five kids. When I’m with him I feel happy.
As for my kids they are my top priority and their safety is my biggest concern and was / is a major thing I worry about when I think of dating. To think I could possible bring someone into their life’s that could harm them scares the crap out of me. Even though I feel like they are safe with him I have no plans putting them in a situation alone with him just yet.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): I think the general-rule about introducing men you're dating to your kids is based on how well you know the man; and how well you judge character. It comes down to you doing whatever you want; they're your kids whatever other people may think.
Their safety and well-being depends on your making good decisions. Don't get too comfortable too soon.
There should always be caution in protection of children. You say you've done business with him and you've known him for years. Then it is likely they were somewhat familiar with him from the past anyway. I wouldn't trust him spending time alone with your children unsupervised; you have only been dating three months, and there is nothing official between you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): In my opinion, and most psychologists I've read, it's okay for older children to meet them soon-ish, as they can understand if they don't see them any more, but it can damage younger kids to meet them before it's established. 2 and a half months is VERY early on. Knowing him for years isn't the same as dating him. There's a reason you never introduced him when you knew him for years, but you're introducing him now when you're only just begun dating.It's not a smart idea, but they are your children, so it's up to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 January 2018):
 Just reading through your post again it strikes me that you are seem to be simply swapping one "comfortable" for another. Is another "comfortable" what you really want?
...............................
A
female
reader, TryingToMovingOn +, writes (25 January 2018):
TryingToMovingOn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy kids are 4,7,10,12 and 13. I knew who he was for a few years, he has a business that I used in the past. We have been dating for three months and my kids met him two weeks ago.
I will always continue to involve my husband in their lives, regardless of what happened between us he will always be their father and he is a great dad so I would never deny him or them the chance to be in each other lives. I talked to my ex and he doesn’t really want to hear about my dating life, we agreed that what we do is our business. He said he trusts my judgement and i know my kids better then anyone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (25 January 2018):
It is YOUR choice and yours alone as to how/when/if you introduce someone to your kids. You sound like an intelligent caring mother who views her children's happiness as her top priority. As long as this continues to be the case, I am sure you will do what is "right" by instinct.
As for the man being older than you, so what? Again, it is YOUR choice who you date. Listen to what your friends say but remember that everyone will have different opinions and views on something and the final decision is YOURS.
The only thing I would advise (along with trusting your own judgement) is to take things slowly. You were married for a long time and there is no need to rush into another serious relationship. Keep things casual with this new man for a while. Enjoy his friendship by all means, but don't try to "replace" your husband.
I hope your children are having as much contact with their father as possible. Remember that, although they may have liked your new friend when they met him, their attitudes towards him may change completely when they realize he is actually mummy's boyfriend, not just a friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 January 2018):
You never said how old your children are or when you actually met this guy, so we can't say.
For children under 12, I think 6 months is the earliest a new person should be introduced, even as a friend. For teens, I think 4 months is the earliest, so they're not still a complete stranger to you. That said, people *are* still total strangers, at that point, but teens are usually able to understand a bit more and look out for themselves with strangers, more so than a child.
This sort of thing should always be discussed and agreed upon with the other parent, but introducing strangers to children is unwise, regardless of how you label them.
...............................
|
