A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for five years. To be honest things haven't been right since the second year. I met my boyfriend on online dating. I was 22 and he was 25. We are now 27 and hes 30.At the time he told me he was in and out of a gardening job with his uncle. I was finishing my masters degree in his home town university. We decided to meet and things went off to a great start. Over a couple of months we developed a relationship. We were both going out to clubs and drinking alot though which I wasn't happy about but went with the flow. I later found out that he lied to me, he was actually a stoner on government benefits. He didn't have a job or any education for 10 years because he wanted to be stoned and just have fun with friends. I was really unhappy that he lied but asked if he could stop smoking/drinking heavy and get a job. We moved in together in a city where I got a graduate job. He did stop smoking and he got a job in a game retail shop. It wasn't an easy ride and I felt like his mother alot of the time. A couple of months of him being in this new job he went out to clubs with work friends and got so drunk that he didnt know what he was doing. I was so upset with him because each time he promised that he wouldn't get drunk. He said I was wrong to be upset about it and he started to get angry at me so I let it go because I didn't want the stress. I had very little trust him at this point. When ever we would go out I would notice him looking at girls and when I confronted him he would get so angry at me. He would call me a nasty person who was pushing my insecurities on him. I eventually stopped telling him how I felt and bottled it up.Then one morning his phone went off. It was a porn/webcam girls company that text him saying they took a subscription payment from his account. I was furious. I confronted him and he lied at first. Then he told be the truth. I was so upset because he always said that he would never do that. I was also upset because he said he has no money to buy me flowers at the time but he spent it on these other girls. I was so angry that I told him it was over and I was moving to another city. He started to cry and for 2 days he begged for me to give him another chance. I loved him so I did give him a second chance. I never trusted him and i became obbessed with checking his phone. The whole thing ruined my self confidence and mental health. He moved with me to this new city. We started a fresh life and he managed to get the same job. 2 months into living their, I found pictures of a naked girl on his phone. I was so upset. I felt betrayed again. When I confronted him, he said that it must of been some virus in his phone. I told him I believed him but deep down I didn't trust him. Since then he never leaves him phone about. He makes sure to keep it on him all the time.12 months ago I found him a really well paid office job. He started it but 4 months in he decided to quit because he said it was causing him work anxiety and he didn't want to work hard. He said that he enjoyed him game job. I think it's because it was easy and he was just having fun playing with games all day. He applied to the old game company but then didn't want him back. So he applied to a new office job. He left that after 2 weeks and then this happened with 5 other jobs. He's been unemployed for 8 months now and he says that bad work anxiety is stopping him from working. He went to the doctors and they have him anti depressants. His mum has been helping him pay bills for the past 8 months. The problem i have is He's doing nothing to really improve this situation. He's recently been offered a job but he doesn't want it as he thinks the hours are too long. He has also told me that when he gets a job he will be going out drinking with his work people again. He says that I need to get use to it and get over my fear of abandonment. I've tried explaining him that it's not abandonment issues but more trust issues. I wouldn't mind him going out if I could trust him or if he wasnt always going drinking. I don't understand why he can't go out with friend to do other fun things like bowling.We also don't have sex anymore and it's because I don't feel comfortable with him due to lack of trust. During this whole period I have put on 100lbs and my health has got worse due to stress. I Love him so much and we do have good times but I don't know how long I can try making this work. I just wanted to mention that from about 6 months into the relationship he became very verbally aggressive when is came to discussing things we didn't agree on. He calls still calls me horrible names when we argue, he shouts and never let's me express my opinion. He always chooses to discuss difficult topics when we are walking outside and it's very embarrassing/humiliating to have your partner shouting at you on the streets when others can here. I tried to explain this to him but he doesn't understand why I should be upset. He says that it's better to air our stuff outside than in our flat where our neighbours can hear everything. I have got very tired of my relationship. I can't even talk to him about things without him exploding and turning it on to me. Can someone please help me make sense of this relationship and what I should do? How to I detach myself emotionally from him before actually telling him it's over if I decide I don't want this anymore?Really appreciate your advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): It's affecting your health. Your mental-health will deteriorate; and that will make its way to your job-performance. How you could continue this relationship past the two-year mark is tough to figure-out? Why? That is even harder.
You're too young for this. You don't deserve it!
In some people (gay-male, or straight-female) the need to have a boyfriend is a total obsession. You were identified as male, perhaps that was an error? My point applies in either case. You attach to something, and you stick like glue.
People often use love as their reason for remaining in a totally toxic, jacked-up, and tumultuous relationship. The word love, as a noun and a verb, is misplaced and misused.
My dear, love has clearly backed-out of this situation. It has now become emotional-dependency. I even venture to say, it is now an addiction to a person; and the drama they create. You get sucked into it, and your life becomes a vacuum. You've become fascinated with the challenge and task of trying to transform a person into someone you want them to be. You've convinced yourself that is possible. He is trying to show you that it's not! He tricked you in the beginning.
You're an enabler, because you have difficulty removing yourself when you can't win. He still reaps the benefits of your extra income, a roof over his head, food on the table, and someone to fuss over him like a mother. No matter what evils and transgressions he casts upon you! He's got it made!
You get yelled at, you're stooping to snooping on his phone, and nothing you say or do changes anything. He does not even remotely show any inclination towards change; or giving a damn about you. You simply provide a place to live, you are the only source of stability and security he knows. You don't seem to know what you're doing. On top of all that, he lied to you from the very start. He's a squatter in your life!
How do you detach your feelings?!!
Stick around and see how much more you can take before you shatter. What's it going to take? Losing your job, getting kicked out of your place, ending-up in therapy? Becoming a drunk like he is? You feel responsible? How? He's older than you!
You have to learn to deal with pain, loss, and grief. Go through the gut-wrenching withdrawal, healing, and recovery-process. Life doesn't promise you happiness 24/7. Grown-ups have to make hard decisions. You don't always get to feel good after making a difficult choice.
You do what you have to do, to survive. You must maintain your sanity, move forward, and prosper. You'll see light on the other side of this. Life is teaching you a lesson, toughening you up, and making you stronger. Preparing you for something better. Provided you wise-up!
Stop calling your emotional-dependency and possessiveness love. You own him like a pet. He's a project. A perceptual series of mistakes and wrong decisions. You can't fix nor rescue him. He's not a rescue animal. He's a man.
You didn't describe anything in your narrative to justify undying love and devotion. I see a lot that would drive a person crazy. You're going to be burdened with baggage and totally damaged before you're his age. So get the process of healing underway. Push the ejector-button!
Kick him to the curb. Suffer the grief. Get over him, and move on. Live long and prosper!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 January 2018):
 Wow, OP
I'd hate yo be in your shoes.
Now This is NOT a "bashing you post" but I'd like to point out a few things.
1. When you found out he was a unemployed stoner with no ambition, nor drive other than to party, you SHOULD have let him go right then and there. Instead... you tried to change him into a semblance of what kind of man you'd like to date. A guy with a job. Big mistake.
2. The first time you found out he was paying webcam girls, you should have let him go. Kicked him out. Instead you started to go into full on invade his privacy, snoop mode. Which honestly? Is partly why you feel so bad about yourself. NO ONE should have to MONITOR their partner to ensure they don't do STUPID/SLEAZE/NASTY things! Instead you SEND them packing!!
3. He is now verbally abusive. You need to get RID of him.
4. His MOTHER pays his bills. You need to get rid of him.
5. Your health has taken a HIT (a 100 lbs weight gain is NOT good at all and can probably be due to the stress).
6. He LIED to you in order to try and get you to date him, you should have DUMPED him the minute you found that out.
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But 1-6 are all in the past, that you can not change, time to look to the future.
How can you detach emotionally? I don't know. There isn't some magic formula here that works for everyone. The fact that you KEEP staying with a man who is someone you DO NOT want to be with makes this even harder on you.
Tell him, Bob I can't do this any more, you need to move out. I'm done. Don't tell him he can stay if he just changes ABC about him because NO, KICK him out. Time to start over.
AFTER he is GONE, you work through your emotions. I think as soon as you start working on getting back to YOU, getting your health in order, you will come to realize that this guy was a HUGE mistake to date.
You are dating a man whom you KEEP trying to mold and change into what you WANT to date, what you THINK he should be like. THAT is not how life works!~ OP, you already have a standard, you know what you REALLY want in a partner - STOP settling for less. Don't date someone like your BF - date someone who IS who he says he is, and who SHARES your hopes, and goals.
You are DATING a LOSER - no matter WHAT you do THAT is what he is. A LOSER. And he CHOOSES to BE a loser. And you keep DATING a loser.
KICK him out. CUT ALL contact. GET to the gym and start working on getting YOU back.
HOW can you have any doubts that this relationship is a total TRAIN-WRECK and has been from the start?
YOU can not FIX him. You can not change him.
While he temporarily got a job it wasn't because he all of a sudden wanted to be a good man and partner for you, NO it was so he could AFFORD to pay OTHER women to do sexual things on CAM for him. Talk about gross, OP!
And don't say I LOVE HIM! No, no no. He isn't worth a pot to piss in as far as being a partner (for ANYONE) And he SURELY doesn't love you. All that you write about him doesn't show me a LOVING partner, or a guy who has potential to be one. It show me a girl who is so desperate to NOT be alone that she is willing to settle for a LOSER.
STOP procrastinating and KICK him out. THEN you get your life back on track. Take a GOOD while NOT dating anyone and figure out why you would date someone who is NOTHING like the man you actually want.
Come on, OP!
You deserve better than this! You can do it!
IT IS by far better to be single than date this guy, OP.
Chin up and DO this for you!
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 January 2018):
 Look, this relationship has run its course.
When you start to gain weight and your mental wellbeing takes a hit because of a relationship it is time to call it a day! You are NOT his mother or councillor. Stop letting him treat you that way.
The guy has no drive or ambition and it bothers you, so why settle for it? Just think about the whole situation and answer us why are you staying? What are you getting out of this? There's no trust, happiness, sex only stress, so I really can't draw any positives from it at all.
You're seriously wasting your time with this guy and you know it, you just aren't compatible at all. You'll meet someone one day where nothing even remotely close to this occurs and you'll be kicking yourself for staying with this guy.
You don't need to detach yourself emotionally from him first, you need to LEAVE asap and deal with your emotions lately, stop delaying.
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