A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Iv been dating my boyfriend for a year and i love him so much. But i want to move in with my friend who lives 150 miles away and my boyfriend says if i do he will split up with me and look for someone else. So now i feel trapped because i dont want to lose my boyfriend. Am i wrong in thinking he should still love me and be my boyfriend even though ive moved miles away? Does he reallyl ove me to say that because i wouldnt split up with him over this? Im so confused i feel beyond sad right now.i really dont know what to do? Am I just convenient lover and because i want to move not convenient anymore. My bpyfriend lives with his mum and cant afford to get a place either.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2018): Well he seems to be very nasty about this situation. I said I would like to see him before I go and he said what's the point!! Then he said he would like to stay friends and that he's not looking for anyone else. So im totally confused. What the hell does he want. H
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): Thank you so much for all the advice it has been so helpful to me cant thank you enough. You really are so kind here in helping people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2018): OP, I'm not sure why you are surprised that he would split with you at that distance.
I am sure he wonders how YOU can love him and yet choose to move that far away.
At this age in your lives you aren't really looking for long distance. I would assume you are both looking toward building a future and moving in together. This is taking a major step away from that.
I mean, really, would you stay with a guy who says he has decided to move out of your town? When you have already been dating a couple years? I think not.
I would never stay with someone who chose to move out of my town, especially if we had been working toward a serious relationship and they took off...I mean, yes, life happens, maybe they got a better job or whatnot but at least I would expect an invitation to go with them (which I would not accept because I have built my life in my current town). No matter how much I loved someone I would never do long distance unless it was with an end in sight. Not an indefinite "I am moving towns, maybe we can see each other one day every weekend for the rest of our lives". I mean really, how can you expect him to be okay with that? I think it is A LOT to ask of someone to agree to basically be your side dish for the rest of their lives while you go live with your friends.
That said, it seems like he doesn't really have his life together if he isn't earning enough money to live on his own. Maybe your relationship is just not meant to be, but you have to decide if you are building a life together, or not. I don't think you can live life with one foot out the door and expect him to come around every so often when its possible. That isn't fair.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 January 2018):
 OP, I'm sorry to say you're just not well matched.
He has no stability to promise anything and you can't stay put. If he will earn more, it makes sense to split bills respectively, as it becomes "ours", not "yours and mine".
He wants you to wait, but you're both too old to be waiting around, to be honest. You're not old, but you are too old for games and this amount of uncertainty.
Move to be with your friend and focus on building YOUR life and becoming financially stable ON YOUR OWN. Perhaps you don't want to live alone, which is okay, but you need to be able to support yourself.
Don't waste your life waiting around for some guy who may or may not be able to support himself in the upcoming years.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (25 January 2018):
There is a lot missing here like why you are moving 150 miles away. Are you moving for a job or some other valid reason? If so your boyfriend is a jerk. If you’re moving because you think it will be fun to live with your friend then it may be too much to expect your BF to do a medium distance relationship. Whatever the reason it’s your choice and it’s his choice whether to continue in the relationship.
What I find hard to fathom is a man in his 40’s who lives with his mother and can’t afford a place of his own. It makes me wonder if the reason he is upset is because when you move he won’t have a second place to stay anymore.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (25 January 2018):
 I wouldn't expect him to stay with you in that distance. I also wouldn't expect you not to go. Perhaps it's life telling it isn't meant to be. He needs to sort his life out and you need to move on in yours. I don't think it's a matter of if you love each other as much as you say you do or not. In a way it's sort of irrelevant.
I'm marrying the man of my dreams. If he had to move 150 miles away and I couldn't go then I don't think it would last and I'd break it off. Perhaps that's weak but I can't do long distance. It's too hard and is hardly a relationship at all.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 January 2018):
Please could you give us more information about why you're both in this situation?
Why do you need to live with a friend?
Why does he have no money?
Where do you see this going if you can't afford to live together and/or you move 150 miles away?
I have no issue with you moving to live with a friend. If you'd prefer it, I'd say go for it. That said, you really need to evaluate this relationship. What do you each bring to it, as fully grown adults with no financial stability?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): I must add my boyfriend is trying to save and starting a new job and career soon and then he says he will be able to get a place but he says he doesn't know when this will be ? It could be next year or longer. He also would want me to pay half the rent and bills which I cant afford and he earns about a thousand pound a month more than me.Also his new job is working all week and some weekends on call which means we wont even have hardly any time together. He will have to be up at 4.30 am and probably have to go sleep around 8pm most days which wont really give us much of a life other than work.I just don't get how he can just look for someone else if he loves me and how is going to have any time, money for another woman if he hasn't for me? I guess it just really hurt when he said he would split from me over this
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): I don't believe it is selfish of a person to make necessary adjustments to their lives; if it somehow will improve their career, financial-situation, or will be a significant benefit to their health and well-being. These are adult-choices we must sometimes make in our lives.
There is so much you do for other people, but they also have to be willing and able to make some sort of compromise. He's in no position to compromise.
He can't afford his own place, or to move to live with you. You have no responsibility to support a full-grown able-bodied man (you're not even married to); neither does his mother. Yes, we all may need help at some point in our lives. His options are limited to getting his finances in order. He can't move. You have an opportunity; but he said if you go, that's it.
If you give-up the opportunity and stay; how long will it take him to before he can live on his own? It will always nag at you in the back of you mind; that you stayed for him and nothing changes. Then comes resentment. He evidently can't even afford to share the cost of sharing an apartment with you, or there would be no reason for your post.
He had no problem making his decision. Telling you you're being selfish may not be completely fair. You have no reason to work your life around an adult-male who has to depend on his mother for shelter; and can't afford to share a life with his girlfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): You're over 40. I'm assuming your boyfriend is in the same age-group, or older. Even if he was in his late 20's or 30's; he should have his life together by now.
If he can't afford a place of his own at that age, and can't keep-up with his girlfriend; then move the 150 miles and let him concentrate on getting his life and finances together.
You can't put your life on-hold for a guy his age still living with his mother. He already said he'd let you go; and you said you wouldn't do that to him.
So who loves whom more?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): i do love my boyfriend but I have to move and have nowhere else to go as i cant afford to live on my own and only sharing with my friend is the only option I have also my new job is there. if my boyfriend wanted to move away from me I wouldn't split up over it. it just doesn't seem like he loves me as much as he is saying.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (25 January 2018):
If you are moving 150 miles away to move in with a friend, you are definitely sending a message to your boyfriend that you no longer love him or even value his company. People who are in love move 150 miles to be together, not to be apart. What would your reaction be if HE moved 150 miles away?
You sound selfish and self-centered, so he just may be better off without you. Assuming he is around your age (40's), he should be able to afford his own place and not be living with his mum. So you may do well to be without him.
It is probably best that you put this relationship to sleep and move in with your friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2018):
 If your BF lives with his mom because he can't afford a place of his own, he certainly can't afford to drive 150 miles either. Can he even afford to later to LIVE with you?
Can your relationship really progress if his finances are so low that he HAS to live with his mom?
Maybe this is a turning point for you.
What is the reason YOU want to move in with your friend? To save money?
This isn't about love, OP - this is about being REALISTIC. I absolutely get how expensive it can be dating someone who lives WAY to far away. He knows if you move he won't be able to afford travelling to see you, and if you are thinking about the move because YOU are low on funds yourself... you won't be able to afford it either - so you two will barely see each other. He doesn't WANT a Long Distance Relationship.
So you have to decide, is there a future with this man if I STAY put Or is it time to move and move on.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 January 2018):
 I don't think he's being completely unreasonable here. Depending on where you're moving to you could be adding a 1:30/2:30hour travel time onto seeing each other.
Can you both drive? That would cost a lot in fuel for a 300 mile round trip or meeting in the middle to stay in a hotel. I don't really see the point in long distance relationships personally, why would you be with someone you barely see when you could spend time easily with someone that lives 5 minutes away?
Why isn't your BF saving or in a financial position to be looking into a house for the both of you at his age? If you can afford it why is he different? I understand that people fall under financial hardship at times but surely at his age he should be looking into his own home or at least saving for it (providing he's not caring for his mother and that's the reason of living There).
I think you need a serious chat, mainly regarding do you ever see yourselves living together and if so, when? Travel arrangements for if you do move in with your friend and ultimately whether this relationship has a future.
If not, then you have a chance to start fresh when you move away.
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