A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First off I'd like to say I really, really appreciate that you are reading this lengthy story/question.*question at end I promise!*Me and this girl had a thing together and I told her how I felt and she said she couldn't date me because I was out of high school (she's a junior, 11th) and "getting my life together" and that she can't go out with anyone at the moment because she has so much stuff in her life and wouldn't be able to fit "us". She told me that I wasn't ready to see anyone and that got me mad, although she said "and I don't mean that in a mean way what so ever" but I can't help to get offended. and told her "Why did you give me an impression that we could be something, and here I was thinking it would happen. I knew you were busy and made time somewhere and I told her what her comment meant. She responded "Because I'm selfish and dumb, even though I wanted something i knew that it wouldn't be possible. I'm sorry, I should of made it more clear, I just thought, hey we're both mature enough to do this but i guess not, as for the comment, I just think you have other priorities" I just think that just some pity factor for me to fall for and accept her friendship to make things easier for her. I responded: "It's not alright to lead someone on, and speak for yourself when you say you're busy and don't have time for anyone but I make time, I go to any length to see anyone, I'd do it for you, I was willing to at anytime, I always would find a way regardless of everything else. (At this point I was upset and I'm speaking out of my feelings/anger)She responded: "I didn't lead you on. I never said we would be anything regardless of what I may have wanted. As for time, I've made time for you, you can't say I haven't. I've made time but it hasn't been a lot.I responded: I've got a lot more to say but what's the point, you're going to pretend to listen and care just so you wouldn't be the bad person, but just tell me the truth, honestly why you can't and don't worry I've heard it all, I'm not good enough for you or something, just don't give me some believable sob story just the truth because at this point that's all I want to hear.She responded: "What kind of person do you think I am, some heartless stuck up bi**h?I responded: No, I didn't imply anything like that. just whatever more I have to say doesn't matter at this point is pretty much what I meant, and you didn't answer my question.She said she already answered my question on how I was starting life and that she'd be busy all the time. I responded: "So that's it?"She responded: "We just can't make it work, But I'd want to stay friends although I know that probably won't happen, aha."I responded" What's the point of being just friends?? if I was your friend because you'd barely think talk to me then, just makes things easier for you, oh yeah sure we are still friends but that's it and strangers then later on, and we won't talk like we did before but what then happens later on? You'll just be so busy with your already busy life and forget me, so it's better if we never talked, I wanted you to be mine but you probably don't care and that's the whole truth. You probably never cared now and you aren't gonna care later and I even bet you never cared before unless you can prove me wrong because right now I'm feeling all sorts of emotions, sad/mad etc.. and just know, I'm going to miss you, a lot."She responded: "You're making me feel like a terrible person, I truly care about you but you act like I don't give a crap about you, I guess you don't know me at all, if this is how you see me and being maybe it is best if we left things alone. I'll see you around."I pretty much responded that I see her as a beautiful girl that I couldn't wait to see and other sweet things.she responded: "why should I have to prove anything to you? I shouldn't have to, you should know that I care.I responded: "You have to tell me straight up, you can't just give me hints and just expect me to know.I'm going to make this short and sweet, I apologize for this lengthy story/question, I really appreciate it again.I told her if me being upset was dumb and she said its not dumb to be upset about it but I shouldn't be upset with her, she didn't say no because no, there's reasons behind it. She wants to be friends but she said I'm looking at this at a negative perspective. and "we'll see where out friendship goes maybe bad maybe great only time can tell."I responded: But yet you haven't given a chance to know for sure. That's why I'm angry, what good will come out of being friends? What's the point.. give me a good reason, watch what time will do, it'll only make us strangers. I'm telling you all this because its happened to me plenty of time for me to know where being friends is going to lead us. Its hard for me to explain, I want you around but just wouldn't think as friends, I can't see you as thatShe responded: " You have other friends, how come out friendship can't be like that. What makes me so different"I responded: My friends are totally unrelated between you and me, its not like that, I didn't have feelings for them, I do to you and just being you friend and not having you makes me have a dead feeling inside and you never answered my question, what good is it?? just answer me that"She responded: Well I'm sorry my friendship isn't good enough or hurts you. I want to be friends because I enjoy being your friend and you're a person I like to be around but it's okay i get where you're coming from and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. some things just aren't possible i suppose"I responded: " No, sorry I wasn't good enough for you and its already too late for that, I don't get it, if we can't be more than friends than why's it easy for us to befriends? and you get were I'm coming from? You don't know half of where I come from, you don't understand. It's just easier to be friends in your point of view, right? good thing you came out of this situation alright right? ha."She responded: Yeah, I'm on cloud nine, as happy as can be, how can you even say that? What's wrong with you? You're being so mean about all this, I don't understand what do you want me to do? What do you want me to say? Things just can't happen between us not anytime soon anyways."That's all that she said, I didn't say anything back, I didn't feel anything else was to be said, (i felt some sort of feeling that I needed to apologize to her but i don't know) I feel like whatever I did, it would result in the same outcome. I felt I should leave it alone?Question: Is it right to leave it like that? Was it right that I reacted the way I did out of feeling/anger? How do you see all this? Should I stay friends with her?But the main thing is did i react right? or was it too harsh on her? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2012):
 When you wrote this: "I've got a lot more to say but what's the point, you're going to pretend to listen and care just so you wouldn't be the bad person, but just tell me the truth, honestly why you can't and don't worry I've heard it all, I'm not good enough for you or something, just don't give me some believable sob story just the truth because at this point that's all I want to hear." I'm amazed she actually responded. At that point, I would have hit 'delete' and written back, 'the truth is this: I don't want to date you, I never did, I tried to let you down nicely but you didn't take the hint.'
She doesn't like you in the way you want. It doesn't make her a bad person. It just means she doesn't feel the same way that you do.
I think you need to dial it back. You sound like a petulant child who's having a tantrum because you didn't get what you wanted.
She doesn't owe you her love and affection, no matter how nice and sweet you are, or how much you like her.
"I wanted you to be mine but you probably don't care and that's the whole truth. You probably never cared now and you aren't gonna care later and I even bet you never cared before unless you can prove me wrong because right now I'm feeling all sorts of emotions, sad/mad etc.. and just know, I'm going to miss you, a lot."
Hard life lesson here: she doesn't care in the way you want. That doesn't make her responsible for how you feel. Your feelings are your own, she has hers. She didn't like you back. It's that simple.
The messages or phone calls or texts or whatever the communication you have going on here clearly show that this is a girl who doesn't want to date this boy. She's trying to be 'nice' and let him down with the tired platitude 'all we are is friends.' That was your cue to bow out gracefully and give her something to wonder, which is, maybe she was making a mistake? She doesn't have to wonder if she might have been making a mistake, she sees you as a guy who is being kind of mean and nasty because she doesn't feel the way you do about her.
I expect that there may be girls who like you but you wouldn't give them the time of day because you don't feel the same way back about them. Open your eyes a bit and look around. There's probably at least one or two girls who accidentally spend time near you and you are so absorbed with this girl you don't even notice.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 June 2012):
 Harsh?... my friend, it's not a problem of harsh..... it's that you just totally freaked out on her, and I am surprised she has been so patient with you, at her age I would not have been. I think for such a young girl she handled things with class, maturity and fairness.
The truth, as hard as it is to swallow, is that nobody owes you anything, in term of feelings. Nobody HAS to love you back if you love them or like you back if you like them. Not even your own family, imagine a random girl that you happen to fancy.
It's pointless and a bit silly tryng to strongarm her or guiltrip her into liking you. You have the right to feel anything you want for her, and to let her know...the rest is up to her, if for any reason she does not feel the same she is not even obliged to give explanations : she did , as a matter of fact, only it was not what you wanted to hear , that's way they aren't good enough for you.
You accuse her to have led you on, but if it's true that she never actually said or promised you were going to be something more than just friends, it could be very well that your wishful thinking has led you on, making you see in a certain light expressions of normal camaraderie or platonic affection. But, even assuming that you are exactly right, that she did or say something that made you reasonably sure you were going to get together... so ? she changed her mind- people are allowed to change their mind. Maybe she was tempted and on second thought, for all the reasons she told you, had a change of heart and decided you'd better to stay just friends. You can be disappointed , frustrated, that's normal- but she is right , you should not be mad AT HER.
As for being friends, you don't have to ,if for you it's too painful or difficult. That's what she can offer, and it was nice of her to offer, rather than just say please buzz off and disappear from my life- it could be just out of politeness, or it could be that she really cares about you and values AS A FRIEND, - anyway surely she did not insult you offering you friendship, and IMO you should not have reacted - or overreacted- as you did. Again, you don't have to accept the offer, you can decide NOT to stay friends, that's your choice. But why biting her nose off.
I'd say, no, don't try to stay friends right now- since you have got romantic feelings for her, it would be painful for you and you'd never move on.
If you wish , in case you want to leave the door open for a future change of heart- you never know- or if you want to close the door , but without slamming it, you can send her a short apology, nothing too drama-loaded , just " sorry about I handled the conversation yesterday, I guess I let myself be overwhelmed by my emotions, now that I am calmer I see your point. I have decided that... then add either option a ) I'd like if we were friends - or options b) I don't feel we can be friends at this point in time but I am glad that you asked.
Something like that.
And chill, my friend. Rejection sucks, Ok- but it just HAPPENS, and that probaly by no means will be the first , last and only- you can't freak out like that if it happens again !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): What a fantastic answer from Abella..(as always)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): If someone doesn't want to be with you, begging them and putting pressure on them won't help at all, it will only drive them away. I was great friends with a guy who told me one day that he thought he loved me and wanted to be with me. I really didn't feel the same (but did genuinely care about him very much and wanted to be his friend) and so I explained this to him and we talked for a long time and I thought things were fine after that, but over the next few weeks and months he began to get really pushy and when I said I still wasn't interested, he told me I was a heartless b*tch. In the end it ruined our friendship because I just started to get really irritated by his behaviour and in the end I didn't see the point in even being friends any longer.I suggest that if you want this girl in your life and can handle being just friends, go very slowly. Apologise to her, because in my opinion you were harsh, and then leave it up to her to take the next step. If you can't handle being her friend, you have to jsut cut her out of your life. In either case, you need to back off and give her some space. I don't know how long your "thing" lasted but it seems way too much, all the things you were saying.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (24 June 2012):
 Wow ! I could never recall that many word for word conversations in such detail. Did you accidentally have a recorder on? That was amazing.
I looked at the conversations and thought, why is this person not writing dialogue for day time dramas
However this is your real issue.
And you do deserve a reply.
You are still a teen and she is a junior (11th) and I think she is being very sensible.
She does not want to get emeshed in a too close relationship. She says that she wants to stay friends. That may or may not be the truth.
But at least she has had the courage to tell you that she is not ready yet for a very committed relationship. That does take great bravery and tells me that she is an honorable person.
Your best bet to win her back one day is to be her friend but not put pressure on her.
And do not revisit it yet as it is still too raw for her too.
Get on with your own life.
Do not obsess about her.
Take up a sport.
Take up a hobby
And do not blame her. If you can stay a gentleman around her you may be surprised one day to find the closer dfreiendship is revived
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (24 June 2012):
 This girl clearly does not want to be anything more then friends with you, and all the begging and pleading in the world isn't going to change that. For whatever reason, she is not ready to be in a relationship, and you need to respect that. If you feel you can remain friends with her, and not pressure her to be more then that, then be her friend......but if you simply can't do that, then cut your losses and move on.
Maybe somewhere down the road you'll meet up again, and if you're single and she's single, the time will be right.
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