A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need a bit of advice regarding my ex partner and his skin condition please - he had very bad exzema that flares up when he binge drinks. Despite the fact that this guy treated me really, really badly for nearly two decades - after more than two years of being separated and now (me) being in a new relationship, we still want to be friends.Over the last couple of years I've done a lot of emotional work and figured out a lot of stuff about where things went wrong. For most of this time he has carried on binge drinking (which was the main but not the only reason that we separated). He does seem to have a bit more understanding but not much - whilst we were together he would stay out all night, have affairs, prioritise other people before my daughter and I, be hungover a lot of the time and generally had a terrible, moaning attitude to most things. In between all of that were some truly wonderful and loving times that finally got eroded out due to his drinking. He would not seek help with this, despite my attempts to help him.Anyway, despite his drink problem his career is and always did go fantastically because he is an amazing networker (hence the drink problem). He recently has tried really hard to get me some work that will really boost my own slightly flagging CV. To say thanks, I took him out for dinner which I can barely afford, but I wanted to show my appreciation because I genuinely appreciated what he'd done.One of the things that would be very difficult about this guy - on top of what was basically extremely immature/nasty behaviour all around - is that he has exzema. In all the times that I knew him he would do nothing - I mean absolutely nothing - to help this condition. Whilst we were together I did everything I could to research it, find out how to minimise his symptoms etc etc - including getting rid of all my carpets and sanding my floors instead, using different soap-powder, leaning what foods might help, what fabrics to avoid next to his skin etc, encouraging him to find ways to relieve stress and so on. All of these things helped him enormously and his skin really improved overall but would always be put back to square one by his massive binge drinking habit. One thing that I found difficult to live with is that he was constantly scratching _ not just subtly but really overt, prolonged, aggressive scratching sessions - especially after a binge drink - alcohol makes his skin condition much worse and he would really flare up after a binge. As well as this he ate loads and loads of sugar and dairy products, which also seemed to aggravate his skin. It really was incredibly difficult to live with and he would do nothing to address it but would go nuts if I ever said, even gently, "your constant scratching is making me feel on edge". It was almost constant and it finally drove me nuts. After we separated he would sometimes visit and I had to point out to him that he would sit on my sofa, put his hand down his pants and constantly scratch his groin area - I mean, I'm sorry but I found this extremely unnerving and even after I pointed this out gently he would act very arrogantly about it, getting angry with me for pointing it out.Anyway, when we met for dinner he had been bingeing two nights before and we were sitting in this restaurant with him constantly scratching and wriggling about - he doesn't just scratch, he moves and twists his whole body to reach around his back and so on, so it can be very difficult to hold a conversation with him. As well as this, his body language is really quite disconcerting and always was - it is very difficult to feel that he is listening because he will stare elsewhere, move a lot, even pull odd faces - like frowning or looking shocked - when what I am saying does not at all merit that reaction. Finally, after about an hour and a half and when I was trying to talk about something really sensitive, I just stopped talking because he was basically wriggling and contorting and scratching and frowning so much that I just did not feel able to open up to him at all. He asked what was wrong and I told him and he went crazy, saying that "I'm suffering" and then saying that I was punishing him by not continuing to speak. I said that after 18 years of knowing that he does nothing to address his condition my patience had just finally worn thin and that I found it anti-social and difficult to discuss sensitive issues with him. He just went crazy, saying that I was being stubborn and he could never relax with me etc etc. I got really upset and pointed out that I'd done everything I possibly could to help him to improve his skin but he had never, not once, done anything of his own accord to address it. We left with me angry but also crying and him raging about what a bitch I was and how he could not be himself with me. Prior to this I'd felt quite happy and afterwards I felt hopeless and very down, which is what I used to feel like during the relationship but far worse - like being on a constant roller-oaster.I'm generally a very patient, kind and caring person but I think with him I was treated so badly that I am not as tolerant as I would be about this kind of thing. But what I'd like to ask people is whether it is wrong to finally object to something like this - even forgetting all the bad behavior that went with this guy - does a woman ever have a right to finally say "enough" to someone's habit like this? Or to say, after nearly two decades, look, I really do find this very difficult to be around, even as a friend? It would be completely different if I knew that he was actively trying to sort it out but he literally does nothing. Or if it was a condition that could not be improved on at all, like being deaf, there is no way I would complain. Is there a point at which someone really should take responsibility for addressing a condition that makes them difficult to be around? Ironically, it is only because he could relax more with me that he would constantly scratch...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (20 October 2012):
 Hi
I don't know why you took him out for a meal to be honest, you should have just said thanks over the phone.
You have moved on and have a new priority in your life,your current man. Whatever your ex does its not your problem any longer. All I can think is that your hoping he will change to be what you always hoped he would always be~ because your emotionally attached still.
He won't,he is how he is,only a mother would tolerate his bad behaviour and habits,but doubt they could live with it.
I would stop contact, he just brings you down,shows no respect and he is not going to change now.Focus on the new man.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (20 October 2012):
 I only got through the first three paragraphs before I "concluded": WHO would want to be friends with - or have anything to do with - a guy like the one you described??????
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 October 2012):
 You are TOO patient,kind and caring. Why !, after 18 years of groin scratching, ( and general mistreatment ) - do you still feel like being around socially ,let alone be friends with , a compulsive scratching,wiggling and frowning binge-drinker ?..
Unluckily ( or, in fact, thank God ) you are not his mom, or his partner any more . He is an adult , he knows he has a drinking problem ,( and consequently a skin problem ), if he does not want to do anything about it, too bad for him but that's his choice. Leave him to his itching destiny, which you are not obliged ( nor wise ) to share .
He did you a favour, you thanked him- I'd leave it at that. It is very generous of you forgiving him for all the distress that he has caused you in the past, directly and indirectly, because of his alcohol addiction- but forgiveness does not mean at all that you also have to take whichever crap they want to dole out to you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 October 2012):
 I do not understand the need to stay friends...in your situation I really don't.
Forgive me but you are acting like his mother, worrying about his drinking and skin condition, still getting upset because he does nothing abou it....
HE'S A GROWN UP FOR PETES SAKE!!!!
If he chooses (and he obviously does) to live like that then let him alone, because you absolutely cannot make him do what he does not want to do. Not your responsibility and most definitely none of your business.
You have moved on to a new relationship, so his life should not have any impact on your life now.
It's fine to still care for an ex but you have to draw the line between the past and the present or else he and is issues will overpower your future life and most likely destroy it.
Not sure if you guys are still conncted in business, but if you are, keep it business like...ONLY TALK ABOUT BUSINESS!!
You absolutely have the right to say ENOUGH!!!
He is NOT your responsibility and unless you are secretly enjoying mothering him, maybe it's time to back off and not attempt to get into cosy indepth convos with him.
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