A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy through some mutual friends at a house party 4 months ago, and he had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship a few weeks prior. The breakup was "straight forward" so to speak - no unresolved feelings and he did not want her back. Needless to say, he moved on pretty fast. Coincidentally, he knew some of my friends from university months before he and I met. Once his rel ended, he started hanging out with us a lot.Soon after, he and I started to text each other on days we weren't hanging out. A month ago we met up and he told me he's developed feelings for me and wanted to see how I felt before asking me out. I was so speechless that he decided to give me time to think. In the meantime, we tried to go back to normal.. but our conversations became forced and infrequent as we didn't know how to act around each other anymore. He confronted me a few days later, and I told him I could see our rel going somewhere in the future, but I liked things the way they were and I just wasn't ready to start anything considering we hardly knew each other. Initially he agreed, until I said we should continue hanging out as friends and let feelings develop naturally instead of pushing them. I did not intend to put him in the "friendzone", but from what I said I can see why he took it that way. He's a now or never type guy, so the fact that I didn't want to date right away made him decide I was not worth the chase and we should just be friends. We haven't talked since then.Now my question is, was I wrong to tell him we should continue hanging out as friends? Did I just throw away a perfectly good opportunity to develop a relationship by saying that? I felt like we had a really good thing going on and all I wanted was to continue that, knowing it can turn into a relationship. I understand he doesn't wanna wait and then realize he's wasted his time, but the fact that he gave up so easily makes me think this isn't worth pursuing in the first place.The problem is I miss talking to him. Ironically everyone's been too busy to hang out this past month, so we haven't seen each other at all and he hasn't made the effort to talk to me. I don't know if I should back off and let him get over his feelings and try being friends again, or if this is a sign he doesn't even want to be friends anymore.Any advice??
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I'm sure you'll still hang out as friends in the group setting. That's where your relationship will stay. It's not like he suddenly doesn't care about you, but he has switched his focus to other dating prospects because that's what he's looking for.
In regard to your comment about wanting more time to figure out your feelings. In the future, if you find yourself in a similar situation, it's not a bad thing to accept the proposal to start dating on the condition that you take things slowly because you aren't as sure as he is. Dating is getting to know each other, but in a different way. Many couples start out knowing very little about the other person at all. Just look at a blind date, or couples who met over the internet.
It's also not out of bounds to tell him you miss him. You may find that his interest hasn't waned as much as it seems.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): Responding as the original poster since I didn't make an account.
Thanks so much for your response. I guessed as much, just needed to hear it from someone external. It hurts that we're not "friends" anymore, considering he's still quite close with my circle of friends (and he has every right to be). Of course I didn't expect him to stick around forever, I just thought I'd have a bit more time to figure out my feelings.
Not really sure where we stand now, but we have a lot of mutual friends so hopefully we can talk it over soon.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (23 February 2011):
"was I wrong to tell him we should continue hanging out as friends?"
Not if that's what you were feeling.
"Did I just throw away a perfectly good opportunity to develop a relationship by saying that?"
Yup. Here's why. The dreaded friend zone. Getting to know each other as friends never ends well for the guy. You may think otherwise, but we know the truth. There's no reason you can't get to know each other and be dating. It's not like you have to jump right in the sack together. You can still take things slowly, you just have a label attached, and a sense of exclusivity. Basically, you told him you weren't interested in dating him. "Down the road" is imaginary.
He was pursuing you because he wanted more than friendship, that's why he stopped when you rejected him. He wasn't interested in being just friends, he has enough of those already. He wanted a girlfriend, and he was spending time getting to know you, and making you comfortable with him so that hopefully you would see him as a viable prospect for a relationship.
Now, you're "friends," but really, more like acquaintences. This was a missed opportunity for both of you, but at least he tried, and you're learning something from it.
In general, men don't actively pursue friendships with women they aren't interested in advancing things with. That's just how we work. We want to give you enough time to be comfortable with us, but not too much time that we're "like your brother." Having landed there waaaay too many times myself, his approach is the correct one. At least in my experience.
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