A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend one year and five months - exclusive for a year. At about 9 months, I asked him about the "next step" and he said he cannot even talk about it until its a year and not to "pressure him". So i let it go - until now.Last weekend was our one year anniversary. He planned nothing special or sentimental and didn't give me a sentimental card or anything. And he knew it was our anniversary. I booked us couples massages and told him it was a surprise as his anniversary present. Afterwards he did pay for a dinner but it wasnt planned, or fancy or a sentimental spot. Just somewhere we walked into after the massages that I bought us. After dinner, he wanted to go to a nearby bar for "one or two drinks" because some of his friends were going to be there. I told him I'd rather go right home and have a night of lovemaking. He said he still wanted to go and we could have sex after!!!So I got upset but went anyway. The night was ruined. The anniversary ruined. So I brought up the one year mark during our fight. He apologized for hurting me by being unsentimental and then he said I was still "pressuring him" when i said "where is this going" He said we need to "get back on track" and build a strong foundation before we take the "next step". I told him that's a stall tactic and he has the weekend to come up with a concrete plan. Did I make the right choice? I feel like I'm getting strung along and I'm in my late 30s and want a family.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 February 2014):
 OP your request for “"lets move in now, and if that goes well, get engaged in 6 months and married next year" will get you 6 months further down the road and no engagement.
He is not going to want to marry you in 6 months.
When I met my now husband he told me “I am never getting married. Marriage is stupid and not necessary” and having been married before and not caring if I married again I was FINE with it. NOTE he is my HUSBAND. A man who SWORE that marriage was “stupid” and he was “NEVER getting married” is married now. WHY? Because HE FELL IN LOVE with someone for the first time in his life. He was as shocked as I was. Three days before our marriage I told him we should not get married and just have the party in Vegas… he put his foot down.. HE WANTED HIS MISSUS!. BECAUSE he is IN LOVE.
I think that he will give you the words you want to hear and waste more of your time… but if you want to give him 6 more months to drag it out go for it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is not a bad person and I think he believes that "one day" he will finally be able to grow up and commit. But for him it's still a "one day" and for me it's a now. Or within a year.
My ultimatum wasn't for a full proposal. It was for a concrete plan of the next step. I want him to say "lets move in now, and if that goes well, get engaged in 6 months and married next year"
But now I'm doubting the entire thing. I feel sad I even had to do this. He should be eager and excited to take the next step with me.
We are supposed to talk tonight. If he doesnt have a solid plan I need to say that I can't do it anymore and tell him I need space. And to eventually start dating
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Ah well. Your update sheds quite some light on things. I guess you just chanced into an eternal bachelor.
Probably he was never going to say , no I am not gonna marry you , and he hoped he could count on your patience for some more time ,before things had to come to a head. So, from this point of view, your ultimatum broke a stalemate, and , if you'll have the guts to enforce it ( because I doubt that
in a weekend he'll say, yes, OK , I am game ) you will have saved precious time and spared yourself further frustration.
In general , though, ultimatums are seldom a good tactical move, they are often foolish, or countereffective.
Like, in your case : you wanted him to WANT to commit to you forever, to see the good side of neing married... I don't think that an ultimatum would have worked anyway " Uhm, let's see, I am on the fence about marriage. Now this woman tries to threaten me, to blackmail me and to force me into something I am not sure about. Oh yes, she must be the one ! She must be right the person I want to spend my life with ! " Wouldn't make much sense, would it ?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 Well there you go, you said it. He isn't marriage material he thinks and he continually put off getting married in a 9 year thing and tries to talk his friends out of it.
Some people just don't want to get married, it's that simple. Doesn't make them a bad person but also doesn't make them the right person to be with if you really want to get married.
If you want to cross an ocean you need a boat not a bicycle!
He's not going to be able to give you what you need!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers Aunts. @YouWish I think he doesn't seem himself as marriage material. His last serious relationship lasted 9 years and he always said he could see it "one day". He tells everyone in their 20's and 30's not to get married. He's in his 40:'s. no responsibility. Lives in a house owned by his father.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 February 2014):
 Normally, I'd tell you that one year is too soon to whip out commitment ultimatums. However, I think you're deflecting because you don't want to know the real truth.
He's showing you signals that he's not as into you as you are to him. Wanting to see friends on an anniversary, not showing desire, and hemming and hawing is a sign that he may not see you as marriage material.
Your biological clock shouldn't be another's pressure. If you're wanting a kid, it may be that you may need to take matters into your own hands if you're not married within the next 5 years.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2014):
I agree that IF you issue an ultimatum and the person does NOT comply if you do not carry out the "punishment" you have lost all credibility.
so if you said "shit or get off the pot" and he hems and haws you must leave.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2014):
 When you issue an ultimatum / deadline you had better be ready to enforce it. You made that decision in the heat of battle. That was probably not the best time to throw that out. On the other hand your frustration has built over months.
He issued a specific postponement of decision. when his self imposed deadline arrived his decision was to give you an indefinite postponement. Quite frankly I think you are right you have your answer giving him a weekend to change his mind was unnecessary. You are the only one who is doing any mind changing.
The reason you are asking this question is this. You have cooled down and determined that you really don't want to lose him. That desire to stay with his is o9verriding your frustrated realization that he is not interested in moving forward. You are making all these decisions based on your current emotional state.
As a cold dispassionate outsider, I can see the following clearly. He is not going to make a decision to move forward until he is ready. He does not see any specific time that he will be ready. You see your relationship as permanent already. You always view it as us. He rarely sees it that way. He sees it as me and her. Both viewpoints are reasonable. They are not compatible. Oh and like me he forgets the importance of celebration days. He is currently paying for his inability to see it from your point of view.
So what you are really asking is should you call him up and say "I'm sorry about what I said. I don't feel that way now."? Well saying that would be honest and a decision based on your emotions. Which is the way you seem to make this kind of decision. On the other hand: is this the best and safest choice for you? Well think of it this way: is it likely that you will be able to fix this relationship in less time than it would take you to find and build a new relationship. I have insufficient information to answer that.
FA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2014):
 When you first got together did you sit down and agree on a time table for your relationship? My guess is, no.
So you giving him an "ultimatum" is you telling HIM that he needs to want what you want at the same time table as you want it - is that realistic?
You have your biological clock tick ( I get that) but HE doesn't.
YOU have to decide if things are moving fast enough for you or not. If it isn't YOU have the choice to let him know and then leave. Trying to PUSH him into something he may not want OR be ready for will only alienate him and make you resentful of him.
As for your anniversary - you should have talked to him prior about your expectations for the day. Some people celebrate anniversaries EVERY months and make a BIG deal out of them, others don't. For you, the 1 year was a milestone - for him - maybe not so much?
I'm not saying that having expectations is bad, but you KNOW this man and I would guess you would have an idea of HOW he would deal with the 1 year anniversary.
You put forth an ultimatum, are you willing to deal with it if the outcome is negative?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2014):
Forcing him to make a choice will not make this go smoother.
I am a firm believer in the fact that when YOU KNOW YOU KNOW so to speak.
My husband who at age 37 when we met swore up and down that he was NEVER getting married. Yet, he knew he was going to marry me about 6 months into our relationship. We married just before our two year starting mark.
My son who is 27 met a girl mid 2013 and within 4 months he speaks of the eventual wedding with her. HE KNOWS....
Our dear friends married 3 weeks before us... first time for both 40 for the bride 53 for the groom and guess what? THEY KNEW a year in they would marry and they did a year later....
IF you KNOW you want to marry and have children then after a year of him not being what you need/want then it's time to leave. IT's ok to leave a relationship because you care but want different things.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 February 2014):
I think he is right to hold off, he isn't yet sure if he wants to be with you long term and has told you quite clearly that he isn't ready to talk about the future.
You cannot change how he feels by pushing/asking/negotiating/ultimating him, it won't work because he has told you so.
You have your agenda and he has his and that's just how it stands.
I feel your frustration, but by telling him he has a weekend to come up with a plan is incredibly pushy and demanding. It's going to push him further away from you because it's like a threat.
You know him, you know and have heard what he is saying and although you are disatisfied, you are staying in the relationship in the hopes that he changes...
What if he doesn't change his mind? Would you still have a baby, knowing he could walk away at any time? Millions of women have fallen into this trap and then they think the man SHOULD stay for the child...and the men walk away.
If he doesn't know he wants to commit you after a year and a half and is not recognising anniversaries, he probably never will. He might be one of these guys who likes having a woman around but wants to keep his freedom (plenty of those around)
Bottom line is you have to decide what is right for you and make a plan of what you are going to do.
Remain in the relationship if you want, but drop your expectations, then you can never be disappointed.
Keep those high expectations and face more blows from him when he doesn't meet them.
You cannot make someone something they arn't and if he is a commitment phobe, he will be that forever, even if you force him into a relationship to get what you want, eventually he's going to let you down.
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