A
female
age
30-35,
*riaz
writes:My mom is very controlling..and today, I finally stood up for myself. But i don't know if i took things too far.Over the years, she has constantly harassed me about my weight (always calling me fat, despite me being 5'9 and 160 lbs, and work out regularly), She yells at me when i eat, and she yells at me when i spend more than an hour at the gym. She is also constantly praising others in front of me and belittling me in front of others. ("You're son/daughter does that?! That's amazing! I wish my daughter could do that!" or when parents compliment me, my mom says "Really? I don't think so.")All of those things, plus more, really lowered my self confidence, which many others have noticed. Senior year of high school, she didn't let me apply to far colleges because she wanted to keep me close to home. I ended up going to a crappy school because she wanted me close to home, when I was accepted to better schools farther away. Yet she let my older brother go to berkeley. I dormed freshman year of college (to get out of the house) and she drove to my school and dragged me back home every weekend, against my will. Now that i have moved back home, it seems things are getting worse again. If i am out after 10 pm, she calls me and yells at me. She doesn't notice the progress I have been making in my weight loss - used to be 170, now i'm at 160, went from 35% body fat to 30%, and still gets mad at me when i eat and work out too much (she's also said on multiple occasions that she should starve me to get me to lose weight). She never wants me to go out, yet when i'm at home, she's always pushing me to go to work. She thinks I don't study and am just wasting my money at school (she doesn't even pay for my tuition anymore. I am paying for everything on my own.) Because I am in nursing school and work 2 jobs, all of her friends are praising me, but she has nothing to say.I had a talk with her today. I told her that I know she's done a lot for me and i really appreciate it, but that she's being too overbearing, to the point where other people are noticing and saying something, which she denies again. I also told her that she did a good job raising me, and that she should trust that i will make good decisions, but she says she doesn't trust me. I told her that she is the reason why i have low self esteem because she makes me feel like i'm never good enough.(calling me fat = calling me ugly as well in my head, praising others while belittling me made me feel like she wanted everyone else to be her child, but not me) She also denied that. I also told her that if she keeps treating me this way, I will move out and never come back because I can fully support myself while in school (I work 2 jobs). Now she wont talk to me. Was I too hard on her? I feel bad because I think I really hurt her.ps. I am chinese, 21 years old, the youngest in my family and generation.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I was in a hurry when I wrote that this morning (yesterday morning). As a clarification, I'm suggesting that you put a defensive distance between you and your mother. Not an impossible distance, but an inconvenient distance. Not only will it remove stress from your life, it will help mom to appreciate you more.
FA
A
female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (9 February 2014):
You did not go to far. She needed to hear some home truths. Your culture may have something to do with her expectations but I doubt it. Regardless of what culture you're from, there is no excuse for belittling anyone. This is what you call emotional abuse pure and simple. I can't go into detail about it on here as there is sooo much to it. Have a look on the internet and see how what you're experiencing is VERY much like emotional abuse...in fact it is! I've had bad experiences with my family and now I've cut them out of my life, estranged myself. Do I regret it? No! It's the best decision I made. Families are special. And if you're lucky enough to have a nurturing loving family who think the world of u whether you're right or wrong, embrace that. My family are the opposite. They hated me. Pure and simple. I was never good enough. I'm still not...lol If it was not my personality they were criticising, then it was my looks. I was the worst possible person to them, scum of the earth. Why? I don't know. I was just a child. I was a good kid and an even better adult now. I never did drugs, alcohol, got pregnant or any of the usual bad stuff some kids get up to. I was a nun pretty much. I still am in some ways. Sadly that is not good enough for my family. The loser in all of this is them not me. As an adult, I REFUSE to be made to feel less than I am. I have freed myself in order to allow positive healthy influences into my life in order to to finally find happiness and be loved the way I deserve to be. You do to. I'm not suggesting you cut your mother off but you need distance from her. She sounds toxic and will eventually destroy you emotionally. Luckily my family's negative influence on me had no lasting effects. I wanted to get away from them and close the door on that chapter and area of my life. You're not alone. Just try and find a way to steer your life away from your mother's destructive nature and focus on yourself and your future. But like I said before....this is emotional abuse. Period!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): It sounds like your mom has borderline personality disorder and possibly falls in the "witch" category or maybe "queen". You should look into it, you may find a lot of solace in understanding your mother and your relationship as well as tools how to cope with it.I recently discovered my mother is "queen" borderline and we are starting to see a counselor together so that hopefully she can get the help she needs.If I am right about your mother too, just be aware that most people with this condition are most resistant to chance and most difficult to work through in treatment. Some day it will become so unbearable you may have to make the choice to cut her out of your life and have no relationship. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2014):
move yourself a minimum of 250 miles in any direction.
FA
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 February 2014):
 You didn't go too far unless you told her you hated her, cursed her out or hit her/put your hands on her.
She may not be talking to you now, but let her process what you've said. That's what is going on now - she's thinking about what you said to her.
Give her some time, talk to her civilly, and be assertive if old behaviors pop up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 February 2014):
 Didn't expect you are Chinese because few are tall like you. As a Chinese I can relate but maybe I spent more years in Hong Kong so I didn't really conclude my mom as belittling. It was just her style and how she was raised. It was even tougher for her generation.
I did not think you went too far. She just wants the best for you. You showed her you are American and the tough Asian way of treating children has no way in the US. I don't know if you spoke Chinese to her. It would probably sound very different. There's very little communication between Asian parents and kids besides make more money and your family proud. So this is new to her and she will learn some things.
It's an enviable thing that you could separate yourself and be your own individual. Many people with tough parents grow up and continue to be children inside. You expressed your feelings well and you were telling the truth. I don't know what is it about the youngest family member getting less privilege and having to stay home. It gets better in time. Your mom will learn that when she gives you respect she gets respect back. Being western and independent does not have to mean you forget your Asian roots.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): you were so not being hard on her. no. you think you hurt her? well, she hurt you, all you're doing is telling her how you feel. what she's doing is completely wrong and you were right to tell her. i think she's not talking to you because she's trying to make you feel bad. you shouldn't feel bad for her. i think you did the right thing. gud luck, i hope it works out x!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): I think I want to congratulate you!
Many women have complicated relationships with their mothers, and end up not standing up to overbearing mothers until it is to late.
Let the dust settle and carry on with your life. Let her sulk and think about her behaviour. She is the mother and you are her child and now she is having a toddler tantrum because maybe the truth hurt.
Carry on being polite and respectful at home and hopefully she will come around to wanting to make your relationship better for both of you.
She wants to keep you close for her own insecurities and that is neither right or fair or healthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2014): Your mother shows extremely similar to my own, emotionally abusive mother.
It took me years and years to figure out that she was undermining me because she was jealous of me and wanted me to have no life of my own.
So things like praising other kids whilst putting you down in front of others - yes, this is so familiar. My mother would also never talk to me privately about anything remotely 'motherly' ie. there was an extreme neglect to the point that she didn't tell me what periods were, we never once discussed my feelings about anything - or if I tried she would simply talk about her own feelings instead, I was considered beautiful by others but she never once acknowledged this, she mocked my attempts to get into university first time around, made me go without all the normal things that girls that age have - even a few nice clothes, make up, treats out to the cinema or whatever - there was absolutely nothing, it was like living with a miser, actually a twisted miser. When I did finally managed to gain my own life she did everything she could to put me down - when I got a job that literally involved a lot of people skills and relationship management, she told me in a horrible spiteful voice that "you don't know how to talk to people". When I started to get friends: "you've got no friends". When I managed to get what most people considered a very generous redundancy pay when I was still very young: "that's not much money. When my father showed any affection for me she did everything she possibly could to undermine me. Worst of all, she basically turned my younger sister whom I'd adored, against me after I moved out - my sister's 10 years younger and has absolutely no clue that my mother did this, but she now hates me - really there is no basis at all for her hatred - and can't see that my mother deliberately made this very close bond with her and turned all her anger and hatred against me whilst encouraging my sister to do the same.
You did not go too far with your mother. I know how much it hurts to start to defend yourself. It really, really hurts. Not just because you don't want to hurt your Mum but because, by feeling like you hurt her, you also feel like you are ruining any chance of her ever being a nice Mum to you and of having a good relationship with her.
The only way forward is to keep being assertive. She will try anything to make you feel guilty for asserting yourself and will try to weaken you through guilt. It won't do either you OR HER any good. She sounds massively insecure, like my mother was, and if you don't stand up to her you will only feed her insecurities. Moreover, you will simply be dragged down and down by her. Be strong. You did the right thing. Keep doing it.
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